Dd Chapel of rest

[Namechangenumber2000]

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

When my father in law died my dc were between 5 and 10. We had kept small animals (hamsters and guinea pigs) and had two elderly cats when they were younger. When these little souls passed away we used to let the dc stroke them and say goodbye before we buried them in the garden, so when we lost fil we gave them the option of saying goodbye which every one of them wanted to do.
We are 11 years down the line and all 3 are glad they had the opportunity to see their grandfather for the last time and say that it really helped with the grieving process.

@Bluebird76

I still don't get why the cultural context is in any way relevant to whether a child is traumatised or not. I mean, I saw my granny laid out when I was 4 years old. I had never seen a body until then, and absolutely no idea what the cultural context was or wasn't! Mostly I think kids are concrete little beings and if seeing a deceased relative presented as something natural and not to be scared of, that's the cue they'll take. The wider context is neither here nor there.

Just because a family member dies, it doesn’t mean everyone has to view the body. It’s not expected here whereas in some countries/cultures it could be.

Children certainly aren’t expected or encouraged to see a dead relative here.... and by all accounts very few do.

@Livvymax

I saw my gran after she died, I was about 30, I would never see someone after they've died again. I found it hard to get that image out of my mind for a long time I had a very similar experience at 25 and I’ve regretted since

Yep I’d agree, I was with one parent when they died and that was a helpful experience. I saw my granny literally minutes after she died and that was fine. But I saw my other parent a few days after they died in the undertakers in a coffin and I would rather not have done. A dead body is very dead and I found it a bit grim. For context I worked in care homes when I was younger so pretty used to dealing with dead bodies, but not the same when it’s someone you loved.

"The “they do x and y in other countries” is an irrelevant argument really."

It's not irrelevant at all. It shows that the way things are done in this country is not the only or necessarily the best way, which has been strongly implied by a number of posters. Personally I see great advantages to a culture in which death and grief are not private and taboo experiences from which children are to be shielded at all costs. But equally, horses for courses, much depends on the circumstances of the death and the individuals concerned.

Awareness of multiple ways of dealing with such questions might perhaps prevent the sniffy self-righteousness of pronouncing the idea of children viewing a body as 'utterly inappropriate', even when it's something which is absolutely the cultural norm for many of us on this thread.

I think I may have settled on dd seeing a closed coffin then she can say her private goodbye. I don't want to see him. I want to remember him as he was with a pint in his hand and a paper in the other. I grieve differently to others I think. I tend to hold it in and deal with it myself.

I am originally from NI, I can't remember when I first saw a dead body or who it was because it was the norm at funerals there. I have lots of English and Scottish cousins, when they came for a funeral they followed us into the room where the coffin was, it wasn't a big deal because none of the adults made it into one.
It might not be the norm in all of the UK but it is in part of it. I do think it demystifies death in a good way. I've never seen a body that looked grotesque. I don't know how many I've seen, dozens but not hundreds.
A few funerals where people had been ill the deceased had chosen in advance not to have an open coffin for anyone but close family just because they looked so different anyway when they were still alive due to the ravages of the illness.
There are comments about how peaceful people look, some look asleep, some don't and I actually think that's a really unhelpful thing to say to compare death to sleeping. That could be more frightening for children.
I think it's much worse to deny someone the opportunity to say goodbye, whether that is via funeral attendance or seeing the body (if there is viewing available).
The amount of adults who are so uncomfortable with death, so awkward at funerals, so keen to avoid the topic completely (there's an active thread about it) makes me think it would be easier all round if people were introduced to death as children when there is a family bereavement instead of being sheltered from it. I hate hearing that DC would be upset to see adults crying, instead of seeing it as a part of being human thing the fact that DC would see that adults are sad. It is a sad event and by being part of it they can watch and learn and process.
I would hate for a funeral to be more traumatic because it's all so unfamiliar.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I do think its important to remember that not everyone grieves the same. Whilst you would prefer not to see him and preserve your memory of "as he was", your daughter has also been quite clear and explicit several times of what she wants, which is impressive for an 11yr old especially in the circumstances. Tbh, I'd have a hard time denying her this . You have to not let your own personal approach and grief get in the way of what might be right for hers

Potaytocrips: The amount of adults who are so uncomfortable with death, so awkward at funerals, so keen to avoid the topic completely (there's an active thread about it) makes me think it would be easier all round if people were introduced to death as children when there is a family bereavement instead of being sheltered from it. I hate hearing that DC would be upset to see adults crying, instead of seeing it as a part of being human thing the fact that DC would see that adults are sad. It is a sad event and by being part of it they can watch and learn and process.
I would hate for a funeral to be more traumatic because it's all so unfamiliar.
...........
I agree with that wholeheartedly. Death is a natural part of life.

@Namechangenumber2000

I think I may have settled on dd seeing a closed coffin then she can say her private goodbye. I don't want to see him. I want to remember him as he was with a pint in his hand and a paper in the other. I grieve differently to others I think. I tend to hold it in and deal with it myself.

Your daughter will see a closed coffin at the funeral anyway, Namechange, along with everyone else who is there.

Why would you not? It is important for closure and in many cultures it is perfectly normal for children to attend funerals/wakes etc. Death is normal thing, it's part of life and often viewing the body of a loved one makes it real.

I'm worried that she would fixate on seeing him. Like she tends to with her asd. At the funeral she will probably try to make sure everyone else is OK rather than deal with her own emotions. I don't want her to have nightmares or have flashbacks. She has had pets that have died before and relatives far away. But it's never been someone close like dad. I'm just trying to figure out what would be less damaging really.

OP

That's the hardest part of being a parent, not wanting to do the wrong thing when you are not sure what the right thing is.

I think the closed coffin is a good idea, she will see that at the funeral anyway.

You know our daughter, maybe she could make a card / drawing to take with you, it could be put in the coffin later.

Equally she might fixate precisely because she wasn't allowed to see the body & have that closure. Since you can't get this decision perfect, you can at least give her some agency -- some control over part of a situation that was imposed on her.

My gut feeling is to trust her if she think she'll benefit from seeing him. Ask her if that's likely to be true.

Winstons wish, Marie curie cancer care, a hospice, child psychologist or therapist. Most will advise or point to bereavement counsellor.
Children grieve differently to adults, may be more matter of fact. It will help her come to terms, unless the body is terribly damaged

Mums going to see him at 3 so will see what she says and the funeral directors opinion.

@Maggiesfarm

ConcernedAuntie, do you not remember your mother at all when she was alive? I certainly remember all my dead loved ones when they were still with us, even though I saw them dead.

I'm sorry the experience did not give you closure.

I do eventually get to her as she was alive but first I have to get through her laying there cold, grey, blue lips, eyes partially closed and looking like they are full of blood. Every time.

Sorry I don't want to upset anyone if that is TMI but that is what I saw. It made me cry even today and it was 20 years ago.

Whereas with Dad, MIL and FIL who I didn't see after they had died I just remember them as they were.

I'm so sorry, ConcernedAuntie.

How did it go

Coming in here late I know........
I am from an Irish Catholic family. When my grandparents died (separately) they were both brought home to spend a last night there before the funeral and the coffins were open for people to pay their respects; and we children all saw them and I remember I had to kiss my grandpa and remember he was cold.
Some people need closure, some do not.
I have always visited anyone in my family who has died because I feel it is important to come to terms with their death.
We should never be afraid to do whatever we wish, and we should listen to family members when they ask to do something, and really listen because this is the last time they will see the deceased loved one. It's making a connection both mentally and physically.
There is no right or wrong here.

I hope it went ok whatever you decided. Sometimes there are no right or wrong decisions, either way is very hard. Just have to go with how things feel at the time.

We went. I triple checked that he looked OK before letting dd in. He really did look peaceful. She rubbed his head as dd just cut his hair. Before What she calls the pussy cat cut as it feels soft like a cat. It's hailing and snowing today which seems fitting he loved the cold. Family is arriving today from all over.

I think you made the right choice and it sounds peaceful, for being so strong at such a difficult time. Take care of yourself as well.

Well done. I hope you both found some peace. I'm very sorry about your dad.

I’m glad it was as you hoped and I’m sure your DD will find her loss easier as a result of you being able to support her in this.

Thank you for taking the time to less us know. 🌸

I'm so glad it worked out for you both.
You very definitely made the right call.