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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 01/05/2021 20:02

I have a DD11 and I wouldn’t let her. A relative of mine died died suddenly and we went to pay our respects in the chapel of rest. whilst it helped to process the shock of the sudden death, they looked very different than in life and I would prefer to remember them alive. I think it would have been unbearable for my DD to see her much loved relative looking like that.

LittleOwl153 · 01/05/2021 20:03

When MIL died we took our kids then 6 and 10 to the home - she had dies about 8 hours previously. My youngest sat with my husband chatting to his gran for 15mins or more. My eldest took a quick look from the door and bolted. My eldest said it was spooky. The youngest talked about it for a few weeks afterwards quite happy with it.

So long as he still looks like her grandad I would let her go. You might find it hard though so send her with her dad or take someone with you. Remember her autism might well cause her to react very differently emotionally to how you might react or expect from her.

DoubleTweenQueen · 01/05/2021 20:03

I saw my grandmother when I was 10 and it was weird and not a helpful experience.
However when older, I saw my mum, talked to her, and after a short and very painful illness she looked about 10 yrs younger and at peace so that helped me a great deal.
I would agree with the poster who advised you to go see your dad first, to help you decide if it might be useful to your DD.

I'm so sorry your dad has died Flowers

CompleteBarstool · 01/05/2021 20:05

Depending on your daughter's level of understanding there are ways that you can prepare her.

I once read something that suggested that you should describe a deceased person's body as being like a glove, whereas the hand that was inside was the real person that you knew.

When the person was alive they were real, animated and existed (like a hand). When they died, the hand left the glove (you can add something here that fits with your beliefs or the child's understanding that describes where they went eg. they left the glove/their body and went to heaven).

The glove may still resemble the person you knew but it's not the same as when they were alive and occupied it.

Not sure I described it very well but you get the gist.

RosesAndHellebores · 01/05/2021 20:05

Gosh. I am 60. I have never seen a body in the Chapel of rest and have lost: 3 grandparents and my father. As has DH. To the best of my knowledge neither has my mother or my mother in law.

Is this really a usual thing? I know it is in some cultures but I know nothing of it in mine.

TheUndoingProject · 01/05/2021 20:06

I absolutely wouldn’t, she’s not old enough to make an informed choice.

Have you seen a dead body yourself Op? It’s pretty harrowing, especially after a post-mortem.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:07

Let her go. It's important to properly take your leave of someone you loved.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:08

@RosesAndHellebores

Gosh. I am 60. I have never seen a body in the Chapel of rest and have lost: 3 grandparents and my father. As has DH. To the best of my knowledge neither has my mother or my mother in law.

Is this really a usual thing? I know it is in some cultures but I know nothing of it in mine.

It's a very usual thing, yes Confused
tigerbreadandtea · 01/05/2021 20:08

@KingdomScrolls

I saw my gran after she died, I was about 30, I would never see someone after they've died again. I found it hard to get that image out of my mind for a long time.
Me too! I regretted it almost instantly. It didn't look like her and for ages after she died when I thought about her that was the only image I could see in my mind.
Original poster
Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 20:08

Shes been to a couple of funerals but all closed casket. She wasn't close to them like she was her grandad. She's his only granddaughter. Stayed there every Saturday night. Granny and grandad and dd would pick a film to watch. He was always there for her. Taking her to gymnastics competitions hours away.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 01/05/2021 20:09

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died suddenly too, I'd seen him in the morning and he had a massive heart attack in the afternoon, we were waiting fir him to come home...and got 2 policemen instead. Big hugs xx

I would let her, she's asked and it's not something she can do when she's older, it's a now or never.

He died suddenly and seeing him will help her believe it's true snd give her a chance to talk to him & say good bye. She can also take something to put in the coffin with him.

It's her Grandad, they loved each other- there's nothing to be scared about. 💐

I'm so sorry x

Flugbusters4 · 01/05/2021 20:10

Let her see him. She wants to! In my country we have wakes and open casket funerals and children of all ages are included. I know it's different in England but she's asked to see him please don't deny her that. She might be upset but that's normal. We are all going to die someday. Death is not something to hide away.

DonGray · 01/05/2021 20:10

If she has asked I would take her
We took our children - all under 10 - to see their grandparent in the hospital mortuary - it was a sudden death and it helped them process it all

Flugbusters4 · 01/05/2021 20:12

Pressed post too soon! Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a lovely dad and grandad Flowers

saraclara · 01/05/2021 20:12

It's a week since he died. I'm sorry but that's enough for me to say no. My husband died at home and for that first few hours afterwards he was himself but 'asleep', if unusually still.

A week later that won't be the case

AnUnoriginalUsername · 01/05/2021 20:12

Yeah I definitely think you should let her. I was younger when my nana died and they wouldn't let me see her or go to the funeral. It really made it hard for years and years to find closure that she'd gone.

AlmostSummer21 · 01/05/2021 20:13

I first saw a relative after they'd died when
I was 12. Sadly seen quite a few others. When my Nana died when I was 15 my parents decided it would be too upsetting for me (as her death had taken a lot out of her)

My mum (&Dad before he died) regretted that as they know how it upset me not to see her. And it still does 36 years later.

Drbrowns · 01/05/2021 20:15

Where I’m from wakes with open caskets are very common and always children around. It wouldn’t be a big deal here for a child to see a body and say goodbye. I would never have thought twice about bringing my children to a funeral or to see an open casket especially if they asked to go. Death is apart of life and it’s ok to understand that.

DishingOutDone · 01/05/2021 20:16

Ask the undertaker how successful the embalming has been. Never mind all the saying goodbye bit, I saw my dad and things had not gone well. I regretted it. You could let her see the coffin but get advice from the funeral parlour first.

AMillionMilesAway · 01/05/2021 20:18

I think at that age, if she has asked, I would take her.
I am so sorry for your loss.

AlmostSummer21 · 01/05/2021 20:18

@saraclara

It's a week since he died. I'm sorry but that's enough for me to say no. My husband died at home and for that first few hours afterwards he was himself but 'asleep', if unusually still.

A week later that won't be the case

Depends. When my Dad died we had an incredible funeral home. I saw my Dad every day for over a week between him dying and the morning of his funeral. I appreciated having that time with him.

She's old enough to be reminded that he won't look exactly the same as when he was alive. Even if she were to regret seeing him, it's better than being told she's not allowed this last moment with her Grandad.

@Namechangenumber2000. He really does sound like a fabulous Grandad. Life is so bloody unfair x

NancyDrawed · 01/05/2021 20:23

I can only speak from my (adult) perspective and experience regarding chapel of rest.

I was not with my Dad when he died after a long illness, and took comfort from seeing him looking peaceful and not surrounded by the machines and tubes in the chapel of rest, although I was a bit taken aback by how cold he was - I somehow wasn't expecting that.

I was with my Mum when she died, but also went to see her in the chapel of rest to say a final goodbye and wish that I hadn't - she looked 'wrong'.

It is a difficult decision to make for your dd, especially given her age, but I think previous posters are probably right in saying that if you went to see your Dad first, you would have a better idea of whether seeing his body will comfort or upset your daughter.

I am sorry fro your loss. Losing a parent is hard x

Greybeardy · 01/05/2021 20:23

I'd be really careful and either see him yourself first or take the funeral director's advice. I saw my Grandma in a chapel of rest (as and adult) and they hadn't done a great job with her - she looked totally different (she actually looked very angry, which sounds daft but was really quite upsetting).

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 01/05/2021 20:23

The first funeral (cremation) I attended was my best friend’s dad when I was 16. I was unexpectedly horrified when the coffin went behind the curtain, although I knew what was going to happen. It has stayed with me all these years. When my grandpa died a year later I went to the chapel of rest specifically to make absolutely sure he had finished using his body and therefore it was OK for it to be cremated.

Your DD is younger than I was but she may need to see your DF for the same reasons.

I am sorry for your loss. 💐

Original poster
Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 20:24

He was sent off for post mortem so that took a couple of days then had to wait for him to come back from there. Its done in the nearest city 100 odd miles away. So Monday will be the only day we can see him. I'll speak to the director. Who's been so lovely about it all xx

OP posts: