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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
wdmtthgcock · 01/05/2021 20:25

You should talk to the undertaker and ask them what they think.
When my Dad died suddenly and had a post-mortem the undertaker strongly advised me not to see him. He said I can't stop you if you want to but I would strongly advise against it.

There are a lot of people on here saying let her etc, the bodies of the relatives they viewed may have been perfectly preserved and the circumstances of the death different.

Please talk to the undertaker first and then view the body yourself before deciding whether to let her or not.

Maggiesfarm · 01/05/2021 20:26

@Sirzy

She has asked to go, to me that’s enough. Make sure someone is there to take her out if needed or you go at a separate time to pay your respects.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Yes Flowers
Humpty11 · 01/05/2021 20:28

Sorry for your loss 💐.
When I was 12 someone in my year group died and although completely different situation I wanted to share anyway.
I asked my mum to take me to her grave after the funeral as I felt traumatised by what had happened. I couldn’t sleep properly for weeks imagining what she’d been through (died in a hit and run). I remember there being a Britney Spears music video being on the music channels where there was a lot of blood and I think I combined the two and made the thoughts worse. Does she understand what she’s going to see?
On the other hand I’m now a nurse and visited a funeral home and watched the process of preparing the body for the chapel of rest and they do make the person look like they’re sleeping, the rooms that they use are calm and homely and to outside people you wouldn’t see it as anything other than the room that you go into.
As other people have said I think you should prepare for her to need to leave and make sure she knows what she’s asked.

HoulYerWheesht · 01/05/2021 20:30

If your worried about your Dad’s condition and how he will look OP, you can call the mortuary or funeral director where he resting and ask for their opinion on whether they feel it would be appropriate for you and your DD to view him. They will give you an honest answer and do their best to make the situation as easy and pleasant as possible.

Itsokay2020 · 01/05/2021 20:30

OP, you know your child better than anyone else, what is your gut instinct?

My FIL died, suddenly, when my daughter was four. She was adamant that she wanted to see him. I thought about it long and hard, but she was really insistent. So, I agreed. She took a drawing, a small toy and held his hand and chatted to him. I was in awe of her to be honest! She understood, and several years on she isn’t affected and sometimes talks about it. It was the right thing to do, for her, under the circumstances.

It’s a very personal thing though and I had to answer lots of her questions afterwards, which I had prepared myself for Flowers

alphajuliet123 · 01/05/2021 20:37

Hi OP, first of all I’m really sorry to hear about your dear dad. My dad died at home and so I saw him in the hours after he’d passed away. Mum saw him a couple of days later at the funeral parlour and afterwards advised us not to (although the decision was ours, of course) she said he just didn’t look like him and it didn’t bring her much comfort. We didn’t go.

It is different for everyone though, and you must do what’s right for you and your daughter. Has anyone else been to see him yet? I would suggest maybe doing that first.

Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful dad and grandad, I’m so sorry he’s gone. Flowers

HTH1 · 01/05/2021 20:37

Flowers I would let her go, OP. Sorry for your loss.

TillyTopper · 01/05/2021 20:38

Yes, if she wants to go then I would take her.

BlessedDD · 01/05/2021 20:45

In our culture we have open coffins. My dad was young when he died 46 I was 26 though. I saw him at the hospital not long after he died that was fine - well completely traumatic but it looked like him asleep. The chapel of rest was the worst I saw him - it was after his post mortem - he looked very grey and dead if that makes sense with a collar and a sheet on him - just wasn’t him that really traumatised me. Open coffin on the day and he looked better in his suit and make up on - more asleep - face a bit contorted I think mainly cos of the post mortem - like his ears looked wrong to me cos they weren’t quite sewn on right it seemed. Anyway I don’t know not sure it was the right thing to see him but as it’s our culture I can’t change it. Not sure how you prepare her either - it will cause trauma abs stay with her for ever

BlessedDD · 01/05/2021 20:47

I should point out he looked awful in the chapel of rest it was really traumatic

BlessedDD · 01/05/2021 20:47

Agree PPs please ask the undertaker or view him yourself first

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:48

it will cause trauma abs stay with her for ever
That is not a given at all.

Naillig222 · 01/05/2021 20:51

I never realised the UK was so different to Ireland regarding death/funerals.
It would be more unusual for a child that age not to see a grandparent over here really.
Reading your OP I would have definitely said to bring her but the responses from others saying they were traumatised by the experience makes me think maybe the experience is very different in Ireland?

TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey · 01/05/2021 20:55

www.andnextcomesl.com/2018/09/free-social-stories-about-death-and-funerals.html?m=1

Have a look at some of these. Social stories can help prepare children for all sorts whether they have ASD or not.

GhostCurry · 01/05/2021 20:56

@Drbrowns

Where I’m from wakes with open caskets are very common and always children around. It wouldn’t be a big deal here for a child to see a body and say goodbye. I would never have thought twice about bringing my children to a funeral or to see an open casket especially if they asked to go. Death is apart of life and it’s ok to understand that.
To all the people saying “open caskets are the norm around here” - then embalming probably is too. Not all bodies look the same after death, and the level of care taken to preserve or restore the appearance in life will make a big impact. I have seen people who look like they’re sleeping, and others that made me regret viewing.

OP, I would agree that you need to see for yourself first if you are going to consider this. You should also prepare a stack of old photographs to look at right afterwards - that can really help to immediately re-establish your memories of your dear father as he was in life. Hope you are doing ok, OP. Flowers

thornyhousewife · 01/05/2021 20:57

I'm so very sorry that you've lost a beloved dad and grandad. I hope you have someone looking after you, just as you're looking after your DD.

I hope whatever decision you make for your DD brings you both comfort.

Notnownotneverever · 01/05/2021 21:00

I viewed my grandparent’s body in the funeral home with my father. I was a little older than your DD but not by a lot. I did not find it scary or frightening in any way. It did give me closure and I also take pride in supporting my father during that difficult time. I wouldn’t deny your DD the opportunity that she has requested. She is old enough to know what will help her especially given that she heard the CPR.

JudgeJ · 01/05/2021 21:00

Just over a year ago I found my OH dead, he'd clearly been dead some hours but the 999 insisted that I performed CPR until the ambulance arrived, they declared him dead quickly. When he was in the Chapel of Rest I went because I didn't want that morning to be my last memory, I'd sent his gardening clothes and our daughter commented that all it needed was a sound track of him snoring.
I know this isn't the same situation as your daughter but if it helps her have a special memory then I would let her. If you don't it's something you cannot make up for.

Blakey24 · 01/05/2021 21:00

My son is 10 autistic and adhd personally I would not take him as he couldn’t handle it (I wouldn’t be going myself either). But if your Dd wants to go and you think it will benefit them go for it. It may reassure that he’s at peace after witnessing the cpr.

It’s a real personal decision and even harder with children.

When my grandad died last year it was a straight no I don’t want to from me. I seen him alive and well (fairly sudden death) 2 days before and I didn’t want to see him! It just wasn’t for me and I don’t regret not seeing him at all.

But as I said no one on here can decide either way.

Original poster
Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 21:02

She wants to take him a newspaper. He would take her to the park on the way to get his paper. Good idea about the pictures for afterwards she was asking today to look at pictures. I'll pop them a call tomorrow

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 21:03

@Namechangenumber2000

She wants to take him a newspaper. He would take her to the park on the way to get his paper. Good idea about the pictures for afterwards she was asking today to look at pictures. I'll pop them a call tomorrow
That's lovely.
Shadow1986 · 01/05/2021 21:03

My husband really regrets seeing his friend who passed away. I think if you haven’t done it before the expectation might be that they look like they are sleeping but the reality may be quite different. If it was my children the answer would be no. Maybe she will feel more closure after the funeral. So sorry for your loss.

EndOfLifeDoula · 01/05/2021 21:03

I think its very important to validate your daughters wishes whilst also protecting her.
I agree that you should speak to the funeral director around timings, post mortem and other factors after death. I'm so sorry you have to think about this extra layer, you are a wonderful parent putting your daughters wishes before your own grief Flowers

You do have other options, closed casket viewing, picking flower arrangements together and having them taking to the funeral directors so they arrive on the day already with her grandad.

You can also think about the ashes if not having a burial. There are so many options of jewellery, or bio degradable's with trees etc.

You also have the choice of making memory moments and a memorial area at home.

There are lots of good books to help work through the grief journey.

BlessedDD · 01/05/2021 21:06

I think poster who said it won’t traumatise her for life - how many bodies have you seen? I regularly have seen them it’s our culture. I tell you now in the chapel of rest they look their worst. The funeral day they are dressed and have make up. The worst is them in their raw state - esp after a post mortem.

Fuckitsstillraining · 01/05/2021 21:07

Sorry for your loss, its tough when it happens and you're trying to do right for everyone. My mother passed away just over a year ago,my niece and nephew were 10 and 7, I know things are done a bit differently in Ireland so it wouldn't have been the first funeral they were at but it was the first close relative and they were very very close to my mother, she looked after them every day until she got ill, they had great fun together and she adored both of them so we knew it'd be hard on them but they dealt with it very well. We had Mam at home (not a Chapel of rest/funeral home) for two days and the kids sat with her, chatted to her and to visitors, they were there for the prayers the night before the funeral (along with approx 150 other people), they helped chose her clothes, they put little gifts in the coffin, they sat right up front in the church and walked behind the coffin to the graveyard. All this helped them process the loss and even though she was a huge part of their lives they coped remarkably well. Be led by what your daughter wants to do, she will know her limits and as long as you are there with her she'll be fine.