...to have bought this without telling him?

[herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

So I assume you've told him that since finances are separate and he spends his own money freely that this is none of his business?
Nip this shit in the bud right now. This attitude would act as a warning sign to me and I'd be very careful about how this relationship progressed

No. Your money. Enjoy your new purchase.

'Not your money, not your business'

I would have told him and I'd expect him to do the same, although I wouldn't expect him to mind that I planned to buy it, I would have discussed it in advance.

Yabu to even consider giving a fuck about his response...
Maybe point out how much smoking costs if you want to respond..
Bare in mind this man child behaviour is a sign of the future imo..

Big red flag right there!

So he can fritter away his money on shite but you need to discuss your spends?

We are married, I’m the higher earner but we both spend whatever we like out of our personal accounts.

My husband spent the best part of £4K on a guitar. I couldn’t give a shit. Bills are paid, we have savings. He wanted it and we discussed it purely because he was telling me what he was getting, not because he needed to.

You don’t share finances so it’s your money to spend as you wish .

Oh my! How naughty you were. You spent a big chunk of the savings he is relying on for his future comfort. You didn't even consult him so he could have chosen something he could use.

What did you think you were doing?

Alternatively, now that you know he sees what is his as his and what is yours as his too, how do you feel about being the saver in your relationship? You earn it, you save it, he expects to have a say in how it is spent and to benefit from it.

You need to have a long think and maybe a sit down talk with him, get that ironed out quickly.

Thanks everyone. There have been a few posts on here recently about partners spending amounts of money, so I was starting to doubt myself!

I've told him that it's my money, that it doesn't affect my ability to pay my share of the mortgage and bills because I have X amount in savings. He's still pissy, though.

I've taken myself out into the garden with the cats :)

The agreement is that your have a shared account for joint expenses, and anything left over stays with the individual. So what you do with your money is up to you. You don't interfere with his hobby and smoking. he doesn't interfere with your "interests".

No way would I be in the garden because he's in a mood. He'd be in the garden.

Maybe plan a new patio... Always an alibi available here...

If you had taken it out of joint money that was set aside for bills or a holiday that would be different but it's YOUR money. You didn't put it on a credit card or get into any kind of debt. Enjoy your new toy 🙂

I'd bin him just for the smoking personally.

Agree with above.
In his eyes - you are there to save, to accommodate his future needs. You save for him. He fritters away his money on shite and doesn't have to save.
You are financially mismatched.
This will never work out.
You should break up.

I suppose it depends if you both have the same amount at the end of each month so he has the ability to save. Me and DH both keep the same amount each each month as spending money to do whatever we want with. He earns more than me as I'm PT with the kids. By saving the same amount and transferring the rest of what we earn it's fair. If you save £500 a month but he can only save £100 I can see his point. If you both keep the same each month he can jog on

@CuriousaboutSamphire, your post has given me some food for thought. I think you might be right... he doesn't save, no private pension, his 'assets' are in the house and he fritters away his own money. Maybe he does consider my earnings as a buffer for his chosen lifestyle, and that's why he's in such a grump.

He also said that he doesn't understand how I can save as much as I am, while also paying 2/3 of the household expenses, like he can't fathom why he isn't able to do that when he's paying less.

@Aprilshowersandhail, what an offer! We have a lovely patio and a large shed. What's that 'Something in the woodshed' song? :)

I think he's jealous and trying to justify his annoyance.

Id think carefully about this relationship long term.

Dh and I have always had the 3 account approach (mine, his, joint - then a 4th for joint savings), because we have different approaches to spending, im the "little and often" person, hes the "nothing for months then buy a bike" person. But we know we roughly have similar annual personal /fun money budgets.

He doesn't see his little and often spending as his choice of fun money spending, to be equivalent to your big spending, then I'd be worried long term. He doesn't see its his job to save for things. He sees your savings as something that he should get a say in how its spent but not be responsible for adding to it.

(If he smokes one packet of 20 cigarettes a week, thats about £560 a year BTW, before any other spending. Does he smoke more or less than that?)

How much are a packet of fags now, what would that add up to over a year for him, I start with that (whilst also saying none of your business)

Is he frittering away his money, or is the income difference causing a difference in what you can both afford? Absolutely you get to spend your money, but many women post because their ohs can afford high tech and they can barely afford new shoes. One woman's partner went on holidays without her because she couldn't afford them.

Yeh so you're paying bills relevant to your salary. Totally fair.
If he wants more money he better get working harder!

What did you buy, op? Sounds great

How much does he spend in a year on fags? If he spends £20 a week that's £1040 a year.

Oh, no pension, no savings...

The house, let me guess, he views it as jointly 50/50 owned but you pay more? Did you put the deposit in? Does he put into the joint account what could be seen as half the mortgage, but then you are covering most of the other bills to allow him to live this lifestyle?

Different approaches to spending can be overcome if you are both clear what you mean by "fair", but he isn't being fair.

Massive red flag.

He wants to spend his money for instant gratification, but you have to explain your spends.

He's getting ready to justify why you should pay even more towards the bills.
There is nothing at all for him to be pissy about. He should be happy you've got something you really want.

He only pays 1/3 of the household bills?

Does that include the mortgage?

Think that one through. You are not married. Did you ring fence any deposits, etc?

I'm sorry my last post made you rethink but I suspect you may now have to reassess your partnership. If you do that and decide it is OK, at least you will have made an informed choice. Currently you could just be drifting into a relationship that isn't quite the shape you thought it was!