...to have bought this without telling him?

[herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

He's jealous

Why not use his reaction as an opportunity to open an adult discussion.

I can't understand why you haven't sat down together with a list of outgoings and worked out what he is going to live off when he stops work.

With no personal pension, many people would downsize and life off the proceeds of house sale. Is that something you would be willing to do.

*live

He nods and makes all the right noises, but never does anything

Words are cheap - actions are what matter.

Good he has no kids (he sounds too selfish) as I was worried there was potential for your subsidising him meaning he could leave money for his kids

Personally in your shoes I'd be preparing to split.

He clearly has no intention of acting fairly financially and throws a childish strop when your sensible approach doesn't directly benefit him

No. You are completely misrepresenting it, which just makes you look silly.

Agreed

he said that he will keep working freelance if he needs to, and the state pension 'should' cover bills

Either he's massively ignorant about the level of state pension he'll get, or he's expecting you to support him but too cowardly to say so or likely a combo of both.

Has he checked how much he'll get and when?

Or you could?

www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Major red flags 🚩 OP, I would be considering if I want to be paying for his retirement when he can not get any more jobs

Thanks everyone. He hasn't actually said this, but I wonder if he's relying on getting a sum of money in inheritance, which is likely in the next 10 or so years.

House prices around here have continued to rise healthily, and our deposit was a decent amount, so we have good equity. Selling and downsizing is an option.

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo are you happy with your partner apart from this 'outburst' about spending?

If you are, then all power to you.

But if not, maybe now is a time to discuss things a bit more in depth - long term plans. The fact he has no pension is massively worrying. You say he plans to work freelance when older but what if he cannot?

Love can be a bit blind sometimes. When my dh met me I had no pension, but i was more like your age than your partners. I am a spending and dh a saver. Money is the only thing we disagree on these days! I've had to change many of my spending ways to make things work better for us.

I don't think you've BU in the slightest OP, but I do think if this was a man posting there would be a lot of different responses about your general finances.

You're in a long-term, committed relationship and you own a house together - I think it's entirely reasonable to split the outgoings so you both have the same amount of money left over after expenses. I don't think the fact that he pays less makes him a cock lodger. There are many, many threads on here where the woman earns much less and responses have been very clear that it's fair for the man to pay for more because he's the higher earner and they're in a LTR.

Personally, even though it's my money I would always mention a big purchase before buying. I don't think you're wrong for not doing it, but it does perhaps suggest that there's a lack of communication between you regarding finances and spending.

I'm a saver. My DP is a spendthrift. So believe me, I do get the irritation! You say his plan for retirement is freelance and state pension which "should" cover things - I imagine his back-up is your earnings. Tbh, in a long term relationship that wouldn't be an unreasonable expectation - imo, you both bail each other out depending on who's better off. However, that scenario only applies when you've both been living in a similar way. When he's pissed away his free money and you've saved yours, I think you will feel rightfully very resentful about being the financial safety net.

I don't think you were unreasonable in treating yourself, and I think you've got the current set-up re mortgage and expenses set up fairly. However, I do think you need to sit down and have a very tough talk about his retirement and what will happen if he can't get freelance work and state pension doesn't cover enough of the bills. What if you get ill? What if you lose your job and take a lesser paid one? It can't always be down to you to pick up the financial pieces.

It’s notable he said he’d work freelance if he had to. I suspect this would be his decision without your input, just like he thinks you have no business deciding to spend your own money on an iPad for yourself.

The warnings are all there OP, don’t ignore them.

a spender!

[quote herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]@AlmostSummer21, we've been together for 6 years, bought the house 3 years ago.

I feel the 2/3 + 1/3 split is fair- I'm not resentful of that. However, some of the comments on here have worried me about the future and what his expectations are once he reaches retirement age. I'm mid-30s, he's almost 50.[/quote]
I think it's time to have A Talk About Money then. Just to discuss things like what his expectations actually are, how much has he thought about it. Where does he see your joint finances being, 5 years from now, 10, 20, at retirement? Is there anything to put in place now to make it work better for you both? (Like getting a damned pension sorted for yourself!) And yes, to point out he has no say in how you spend your personal funds, or would he like you to constantly point out how he fritters his away?

I would also have a think about your financial security. Shit happens. How are you set up to weather redundancy, long-term illness, early retirement through ill-health? No, it's not likely to happen, but I'm very much a hope-for-the-best-plan-for-the-worst kind of person. If you were to suffer a sudden drop in income, how would that affect your joint finances? It seems to me that right now, you're his 'insurance'; he doesn't have the income to be yours.

Given he's just got all grumpy at you for spending your personal money, you have an "in" already to such a conversation, along the lines of 'What you raised about me buying my iPad, it's got me thinking about how we arrange our finances ...'

ExhaustedFlamingo "There are many, many threads on here where the woman earns much less and responses have been very clear that it's fair for the man to pay for more because he's the higher earner and they're in a LTR." But are those couples with no kids, or where the woman is earning less because she is caring for the kids?

Thanks for your post, @ExhaustedFlamingo, lots of good points. You're right, a good discussion is needed.

@Italiangreyhound, please don't worry about the baby comment. I completely understand that it's a little weird for a woman to be here on mumsnet without having children.

100% fine to be a person on mumsnet and not a mum! I just worried a little that I had said the wrong thing!

I agree that he probably takes comfort in the fact you are usually a saver, in that he knows if he spends all of his money on whatever he wants your nice little pot of money will be there. It would be different if you had agreed to share all money, if there was a big discrepancy in earnings and so one of you had loads every month after bills and the other none, but it doesn't sound like that's the case as you pay propotionialty. Me and DH have a similar set up as we are opposites in terms of spending, I am a saver and he likes to spend on his (expensive) hobby which is fine, we both earn the same, contribute the same, have joint savings and the same every month to spend- works for us and neither judges the other for their spending. It sounds like this isn't the case!

Bless you, @Italiangreyhound, no harm done

I think the age gap makes this a whole different ball game tbh. I'd be seriously looking to be his 3x girlfriend.

Is he/has he tried to give up smoking? If not tell him he should take life insurance - if smokers can get it.

Just calculate how much he spends on cigarettes and tell him. Bet he spends more.

I do think you should have mentioned it, I doubt it was the first time you’ve thought about it. But he shouldn’t waste all of (his bit) of your house hold cash either so I’d say your even.

Why exactly should she have mentioned it? I’m quite sure he doesn’t mention it to her every time he fritters away money on cigarettes or pays out for something to do with his hobby? Or spends on any of the many things he’s buying if he never has any spare cash and doesn’t ever save anything!

So why exactly is OP under any obligation to mention what she’s going to do with her own money so that he doesn’t get butthurt (borrowing a phrase from my daughters, there) about it?

This is nothing like the threads where the non-working or lower earner woman complains of expensive purchases- the OP changed her payment into the joint account so they would end up with the same amount of "fun money" - her being a higher earner doesn't mean she has more disposal money, she has the same.

From that same amount, she's saved, where as he doesn't seem to be able to save from the exact same amount of money the OP has. Being a lower earner is no excuse if what you end up with after bills is the same amount.

We had talked about it for a few months beforehand, @Thatswatshesaid, and he agreed it would be useful for me, both at home and at work. I just forgot to tell him that I'd actually ordered it.

Don't get married. Make sure your personal savings and assets are well protected. Keep a record of what you have spent on home improvements etc. If he's 15+ years older than you you could spend a decade working to support him. His attitude towards money and financial security would absolutely terrify me.

@MargosKaftan

This is nothing like the threads where the non-working or lower earner woman complains of expensive purchases- the OP changed her payment into the joint account so they would end up with the same amount of "fun money" - her being a higher earner doesn't mean she has more disposal money, she has the same.

From that same amount, she's saved, where as he doesn't seem to be able to save from the exact same amount of money the OP has. Being a lower earner is no excuse if what you end up with after bills is the same amount.

Exactly. And there are no children involved. This is not "family money".