...to have bought this without telling him?

[herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

Mahoosive red flags....bunting everywhere ....

"If he wants more money he better get working harder!"

Are people really still coming out with this shit?

Yeah I think he's jealous. It's got nothing to do with him what you spend your money on.

This is no brainier. He's totally in the wrong.

Definitely jealousy but he needs to understand that it makes him a twat.

You arnt spending joint money it's money that you save from not doing everything he's doing.... He spends his and you spend yours what does it matter what you spend it on if it doesn't matter what he spends his on?

We have pretty much equal spending money left over, once we've each paid our shares of the bills. I wanted the 2/3 and 1/3 split, so it would be fairer to him as the lower earner, and we both got the same fun money.

Some months, he works a little less, other months, he takes on extra work and gets more money, but it evens out over the year.

It's 2 or 3 packets of fags per week, plus the hobby, and then lots of little buys like convenience food just for him, crap for his computer, old DVDs/CD/books, amazon stuff, that seems to take up his money. I'm the chalk to his cheese, and have to talk myself into buying myself a bath bomb or bunch of flowers.

But did you also split your major asset that way?

Or is the house 50:50?

You intended to be fair, nothing wrong with that. Bit you are not married, did you protect your financial input? Or have you accidentally given away a proportion of your own assets?

I mean, I went out and bought a Mercedes without telling mine sooooo probably not the best person to answer this.

DH gave me a telling off and a hard Paddington stare which is actually quite stern for him

How long have you been together?
Any kids?
Planning on kids?

How do you feel about paying 2/3rds of the expenses? If he lived in a flat share he'd have to pay his share of the expenses irrespective of how much he earns.

You've presumably studied & worked hard to get a decent income, do you really want to be spending a lot of it on keeping him because he isn't paying his way? Then he has the fucking cheek to complain about you spending your money on something you want. While he pisses YOUR money away on cigarettes (it's your money because you're paying his bills).

I think you need to consider your current & future with this userbloke.

@CuriousaboutSamphire, we put equal amounts into the deposit, and the house is 50/50.

Initially for the first year, we split the bills 50/50 until it was clear that he was struggling and had little money left over each month, while I was able to save a lot.

@Horehound

Yeh so you're paying bills relevant to your salary. Totally fair. If he wants more money he better get working harder!

What did you buy, op? Sounds great

See, I'm not sure that is fair. His share of the bills is 50:50, not less because he earns less.

Obviously in a long term relationship things change, but I wouldn't be doing this with/fir someone who then felt he could dictate how I spend my money. Especially while he's possibly pissing up
£70 pw on cigarettes.

Just be careful. If you do stay together and get married your savings will become his. If you have a good pension and he doesn't then you will be supporting him in retirement.

Differing attitudes to money is a big strain on relationships.

Oh, and YANBU. £900 is what he burns through in ciggies in less than 6 months. I presume your shiny bit of tech will last a bit longer than that?

@AlmostSummer21, we've been together for 6 years, bought the house 3 years ago.

I feel the 2/3 + 1/3 split is fair- I'm not resentful of that. However, some of the comments on here have worried me about the future and what his expectations are once he reaches retirement age. I'm mid-30s, he's almost 50.

Something that costs nearly a thousand pounds would be discussed in our household before being spent. That’s a lot of money. My dh wouldn’t necessary stop me spending the money, but i wouldn’t spend that much money without mentioning it first..

So you have the same spending money each month, but he budgets £1.5k each year for cigarettes and begrudges you spending £900 on something for yourself?

Great big "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too!" energy.

Id say that if he wants to have a say in things you spend around a grand on, you should have a say in things he spends even more on, in that you think should be consulted about if he smokes or not. Point out how much he spends a year.

Point out again that you pay more of the bills so that you would have the same amount left over each month so if hes chosing not to save, he can't blame you.

If he still doesn't get it, id be looking to back out of this relationship. If you are facing him only just getting by when he has the same non-bill money as you, you know he won't be able to step up when you have dcs. He will see all clothing, childcare costs etc to be something that comes from your spare money, as his is accounted for.

Is he going to retire & then you pay 100% for many years, as your own retirement fund is impacted?

I have a friend with a non-working partner, who can't afford to retire & keep them both. She's utterly miserable.

Wow no one would be telling me how to spend my money! My dh tried once and he got the death stare, never happened again.
I would be tempted to buy another expensive present for myself if I were you !
I wouldn’t dream of policing what dh buys either. Perhaps it’s different if you are struggling financially as a family but otherwise there’s no call for it

He’s clearly jealous that you can have this nice thing and he can’t. Don’t enter into any further discussions about it, you’ve done nothing wrong!

Did he consult you about £00s a year going up in smoke?
Perhaps this one is a flatmate rather than a keeper. Keep your savings in your own name!

Your adjustment could be easily made. The house is a shared asset.

So he pays 50% of the mortgage in order to pay for his 50% of the house.

And you can pay more for the other bills as you do now, you still get to feel you are being fair and he gets to carry in living with a subsidy.

Make that crystal clear. And also let him know that it was his actions that made you rethink how you share expenses.

He chose to buy the house with you which means he also chose not to have a lot of spending money... or he always assumed you would pick up his living expenses.

There's nothing wrong with that if it was a decision you came to jointly.

But it has to have been a deliberate and informed choice if you are not going to be irritated by it at various times through your relationship.

Most especially don't get married or have kids without thinking it through and actively deciding to accept the financial differences.

Oh god, just seen the age gap. I assumed he was in his early 20s. No pension in his 50s? No savings? Wanted a house he couldn't afford to cover half the bills on.

What's his retirement plan? He's not got long. If its "my girlfriend will cover the bills". Leave now.

So in 15 years he'll be planning to retire on the state pension (ie fuck all) and there will still be mortgage to pay off, I assume, and bills to pay. While you work for another 30 years. Have you discussed how he plans to pay his share then?? Or is he assuming that your savings will support him?

If you plan to have children and reduce your higher salary how's that going to pan out?

Oh I’m surprised he is so much older than you. And behaving like this. I’d have thought you were both quite young.

I agree with the pp he’s jealous and he thinks your savings are his fall back. So he doesn’t need to save.

Got yourself a right prince there op.

what his expectations are once he reaches retirement age. I'm mid-30s, he's almost 50.

I think it's pretty clear what his retirement expectations are.

He's bagged himself the classic "nurse with a purse".

Just out of interest, when was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

the average pack of the cheapest 20-pack of fags will rise from roughly £8.82 to £9.10
This was in 2020. The cheapest, at 2 packs per week will cost over £900 a year. He can stuff that where the sun don’t shine 😆