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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 01/05/2021 15:48

He doesn't have a pension???

YoniAndGuy · 01/05/2021 15:48

Yes, getting married would be an ENORMOUS mistake.

Don't.

Merryoldgoat · 01/05/2021 15:48

Nope. In this scenario I’m your partner because I fritter my personal cash. He saves and is about to spend £2k ish on a gaming computer.

We have our joint savings and car money and bills or sorted and then split the surplus.

He doesn’t comment about the amount of makeup and face cream and other shit I but and the same goes the other way.

YoniAndGuy · 01/05/2021 15:49

And yes, he has planned a retirement income.

Your income.

Horehound · 01/05/2021 15:50

@AlmostSummer21 I think it's fair, op thinks it's fair. It's common for people to split household bills like that of one does earn less.

That doesn't change the fact the guy sounds like a twat and I think the op should leave him!

Sexnotgender · 01/05/2021 15:52

I’d certainly be having the chat about retirement sooner rather than later.

TSBelliot · 01/05/2021 15:55

Partners are usually, when lovely, delighted when you buy yourself something. It makes them happy to see you make yourself happy. I can be a bit mean but if I splash out my husband is delighted. He encourages this and buys me things when he goes out. Once I hadn’t bought any clothes for a while when at home with kids and he went off and came home with about ten items - all to my taste and from my fave shops. Honestly it’s this kind of thoughtful delight in the other person being happy that for me predicts your long term happiness.
Your partner sounds poor with money and happy to be so as he counts your savings as his own. That he is also poor at recognising your absolute right to spend your money and his enormous good fortune in living with a generous younger partner who is subsidising his lifestyle - well it would be a fuck that from me.

greyinganddecaying · 01/05/2021 15:55

Lots of worrying things here OP.

When I met my oh we had a chat about money, he had debts so we cleared them together, then set up a pension, life insurance etc. We are even put child benefit in both names (ie one child in his name, another in mine) to cover any Ni insurance gap. This way we're both set up to be ok financially without the other.

From what you've said, he's completely financially dependent on you and will be indefinitely. I would be concerned about this & worried about what he thinks will happen in the future

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 01/05/2021 15:57

So he’s not paying half the house then is he, if you’re putting money into maintenance and improvements which he’s not.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 01/05/2021 15:58

Very convenient for him that you have split the actual mortgage half and half but you’re paying more on the improvements and bills, which won’t be counted towards your share of the property. So he keeps his 50% equity if you split even though you’ll have paid considerably more, all things counted.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2021 16:00

What is he going to live off when he retires? How will he pay his share of the bills?

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 16:02

@AtLeastThreeDrinks, yes, I've been thinking and talking about buying the ipad for a few months. He's been part of those discussions, so it's not as if I just impulsively spent almost a grand. Sorry- I've just realised I didn't make that clear before! He seems to be pissed off that I didn't check or ask him at the moment of purchase, or maybe he thought I wouldn't actually buy it.

OP posts:
saltychoc · 01/05/2021 16:04

The check of him!
So he's got a younger, better paid partner who is happy to contribute more than 50% to the household - therefore subbing his lifestyle and he moans about you buying yourself something out of your own money?!?!

I have to say I would be needing a proper discussion/explanation from him about how the fuck he is a) any of his business b) has the right to grump when he already has his lifestyle subsidised?

I would really be out off marrying someone like that who wants his cake and yours too!

Enough4me · 01/05/2021 16:06

This is the reason my partner and I will seek legal advice and have a legal agreement before he moves in with me. We have been together for years and will not rush the moving in together step nor merge finances, except possibly a days out 'holiday' fund.

Your partner currently and in long term is looking to spend his money and yours - how selfish of you OP to spend your money on you and reduce his free income!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 01/05/2021 16:09

Get imo a grump every time he buys a packet of cigarettes. He might not think the £10 he spends every day or every other day is much but it adds up very quickly.

PriestessofPing · 01/05/2021 16:11

Urgh so with no savings and a house paid off by the time he’s 65 what are his plans? Retire and let you pay for all the bills?

M0unta1nT0Cl1mb6 · 01/05/2021 16:13

If you are in UK
The state pension is approx 9.5K per year, per single person, with 35 qualifying years
If you had your mortgage paid off by his retirement age

Graphista · 01/05/2021 16:16

Gah had a long post written and it's vanished hate when that happens

But briefly and bluntly - cocklodger!

Dump him. He's royally taking you for a complete mug. You've essentially handed him 17% of the house he hasn't earned/paid for and you're subsidising him in various other ways too.

The ONLY way I would say it's worth staying with him is IF finances are completely fair from now forward inc him getting himself and paying himself a pension AND don't whatever you do marry him!

I'm so sorry about the lack of dc that's tough Thanks

Has he got kids?

Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 16:17

He’s being hugely unreasonable.

You pay bills and household expenses proportionally according to income, which is fair, and you end up with the same or very similar personal ‘fripperies funds’ which, again, is perfectly fair, so no, he absolutely doesn’t get to be angry/annoyed/offended that your being a saver means you get to buy nice things with your share of the money! And I can’t quite believe the cheek of him thinking he should be consulted and/or have to give you permission to spend your money on something you want, that you’re paying for, unless he’s going to check every purchase he makes with you and wait for your permission too.

1WayOrAnother2 · 01/05/2021 16:18

If he checks with you before he buys his cigarettes from his own spending money... then he has reason to think you might tell him when you are buying things with your spending money. I bet he doesn't though :)

(You could be paying for the iPAD in little amounts per week over the year. It would seem just the same as his expenditure then?)

I do wonder if he sees you as his pension. This sulk suggests that he has your savings in his mind as something joint.

VeganVeal · 01/05/2021 16:18

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules

Hankunamatata · 01/05/2021 16:19

Mines not a saver so as part of his bill money transfer he also transfers x amount to cover private pension and savings for him. I set his pension up and savings are in his name only but he doesnt know where the savings account is (paperwork is in our file but he doesnt want to look so he keeps saving)

Eddielzzard · 01/05/2021 16:20

You might have a cocklodger by stealth. Gradually you'll be subsidising more and more and have less and less say on your own money. I would NOT marry him

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 01/05/2021 16:21

Dh and I have always had the 3 account approach (mine, his, joint - then a 4th for joint savings)

Strictly speaking a 4 account approach Grin

Sorry derail.

OP getting married will make him more financially secure and you potentially poorer (if something went wrong).

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 16:21

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice and support!

@Graphista, I keep encouraging him to organise his own pension, that even starting now, it would help him later on. He nods and makes all the right noises, but never does anything.

No, he doesn't have kids himself, has never wanted them.

OP posts: