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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cooldarkroom · 01/05/2021 20:53

Whereas I am 100% with you, particularly as he spends his money on himself too, & I'm sure feels happy doing so.... however,
My DH went to look at a car recently, & would have bought it had it not been sold earlier. I didn't know anything at all about it, & honestly didn't mind, its his money, he can afford it. BUT, what upset me was that he didn't consider telling me about it, effectively insinuating that my interest, opinion & participation was not important. It upset me.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/05/2021 21:48

To be honest,bId be really mad to be paying for windows and a boiler while her was spending on cigarettes and his hobbies. Why are you subsidising that? There's a difference between paying extra because your dp really can't afford it and you want them to have the same quality of life that you enjoy and your situation, where you are paying more bills so that he can piss his money up the wall.
Agree with all previous posters warning you not to marry him - there's no advantage for you, only increased risk.

cooldarkroom · 01/05/2021 21:56

Agreed, protect your investment.
Dont get married.

Daphnise · 01/05/2021 21:59

He sounds a moody little brat.

Pansypotter123 · 02/05/2021 07:27

I know your house is in joint names, but is it held as joint tenants or tenants in common? If the latter, whilst there are no children involved, have you both made wills? If so, who are his beneficiaries?

violetbunny · 02/05/2021 07:37

No kids and he has no pension?
You'd be insane to get married.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 02/05/2021 22:14

He seems to be pissed off that I didn't check or ask him at the moment of purchase
Grin Really??!!

How about he start talking and doing something about increasing his own payments for the higher mortgage? He's relying on you paying off the najority of the mortgage...and then when he retires you can fund the extra that his basic state pension won't cover cos they don't do that at the moment for individuals.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 23:32

OP

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is but are you listening.

You are his nurse with a purse and he certainly doesn't want you frittering HIS money on YOU.

You are being played and used.

Do not marry this waster.

You deserve better by a long shot.

Wake up OP and protect yourself.
Flowers

Ninkanink · 03/05/2021 09:12

@Pansypotter123

I know your house is in joint names, but is it held as joint tenants or tenants in common? If the latter, whilst there are no children involved, have you both made wills? If so, who are his beneficiaries?
Very important point.
AmbientLighting · 03/05/2021 09:16

My DH can be like this. We have a similar set up with finances and I have more disposable money than he does and I save whereas he doesn't.

He will sometimes comment on what I spend but he doesn't rant a right to. He considers the money I save to be "ours" though and sometimes complains that I think it's my money Hmm TBF it mostly goes on the house end things for both of us but yes I do consider it my money as I saved it snd he contributed nothing to the savings.

PicsInRed · 03/05/2021 09:22

[quote herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]@AlmostSummer21, we've been together for 6 years, bought the house 3 years ago.

I feel the 2/3 + 1/3 split is fair- I'm not resentful of that. However, some of the comments on here have worried me about the future and what his expectations are once he reaches retirement age. I'm mid-30s, he's almost 50.[/quote]
Have you ever heard the phrase "a nurse with a purse?"

I think he is in this with expectations you haven't anticipated. What's his is his, what's yours is "ours".

Despite you being more than fair (such arrangements normally prorata the bills on the proportion of respective incomes, NOT to ensure equal spending money once bills are paid), he has apparently decided he is entitled to even more of your assets.

He has clearly become controlling over your own money and how you spend it. I would rethink this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2021 09:53

I think the 'nurse with a purse' comments should be considered @herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo. You do need to talk with him about his expectations as you get older. He will reach retirement age 15 years or so before you. As a smoker, he's likely to hit ill-health before you too.

He's said "he will keep working freelance if he needs to" - but will employers put that work his way? That can't be guaranteed. You think he may be "relying on getting a sum of money in inheritance, which is likely in the next 10 or so years." But that also cannot be guaranteed - what if it's all used up in care home fees? He could well be left with only the basic pension - and you.

So, he hits 67, you're early 50s. Let's imagine how that might play out.

The inheritance never materialised and freelance work is drying up. But you're still working and you have a healthy pension pot, so he's not worried; steps down and retires. You are still working, but you'd like to step it down too - maybe go fewer hours, maybe retire early. It feels weird him retired and you still going out to work, like your lives are diverging and so you'd like to retire with him. But your early retirement income is a lot less than if you worked until 67. You mention you retiring alongside him, and just like all those years ago when you bought yourself an iPad, he get's into a proper grump and tells you that you are selfish.

The time to talk about the future is the present. How does he see it playing out. What has he assumed? What have you assumed? What are his expectations? What are your expectations? Because if there's a big mismatch between his and yours, now is the time to either fix that, or realise it's unfixable.

billy1966 · 03/05/2021 13:31

Oh he has definitely done some retirement planning OP, and you are it!🙄

If you marry this waster, within a couple of years he will retire and by the time the penny drops snd you fully grasp what an absolute leech you are stuck with and EXACTLY why he targeted a young woman with a good income and zero children YOU will be SO stuck.

By then he will have fine equity in a house YOU will have paid most for but he will also have an entitlement to a large chunk of YOUR pension.

Either way he can't lose but by gum you can and will.

Do not marry him.

Flowers
Newestname001 · 03/05/2021 14:43

You must be feeling a bit battered by the responses you are getting, @herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo (though I do agree with them). How are you? 🌹

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 03/05/2021 15:55

Thanks everyone :D We are joint tenants, for those asking.

@Newestname001, I took a bit of time away from reading the thread because it was a little overwhelming. Thanks for checking in with me.

We talked last night and he apologised for being pissy, and said that he was surprised I'd gone through with it and actually bought the ipad, because it's out of character for me. I told him that his attitude had been completely uncalled for, and it had really upset me and my friends (i.e. you guys!!) had pointed out some home truths about our finances.

When I asked about his plans for retirement, he was stumped. I've left it with him to make an appointment with a financial advisor to look at his options and take control of his future.

OP posts:
BlackMarauder · 03/05/2021 16:00

Good on you for forcing the retirement issue OP. Don't let him dither on this be insistent. Fgs he's an employed adult. At his age he should've had a retirement plan already. I do hope you'll rethink getting married to this guy. With his lousy way of handling finances, you stand to lose more than him in the event of a divorce. Don't let yourself be blinded by love. ALL relationships are vulnerable to ending.

Apileofballyhoo · 03/05/2021 16:04

Good for you, OP.

Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 16:09

I thought this was the point of separate finances. DH have joint finances so we discuss big purchases. If we had separate personal accounts we wouldn’t need to do that.

billy1966 · 03/05/2021 16:18

I'll bet he was stumped.🙄

Couldn't quite say the words "eh YOU are my retirement plan" 🙄

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2021 16:21

"When I asked about his plans for retirement, he was stumped. I've left it with him to make an appointment with a financial advisor to look at his options and take control of his future."

Well done! Because he really needs to do this. Don't let it fall to his back-burner though - it needs to happen, for both your sakes.

Mix56 · 03/05/2021 16:29

Hmm, so he will have to pay into a plan, which means he will have even less money at the end of the month...

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 03/05/2021 16:46

@WhereYouLeftIt, yes, I've said I'm not going to remind him. If he does nothing, it tells me all I need to know... I'm not willing to be his pension pot.

@Mix56, yes, potentially, but he is going to have to fund that difference by cutting out the fags and adjusting how much he spends on the hobby.

OP posts:
Teabaghag · 03/05/2021 16:46

Ha! How was he proposing to support himself during retirement??

Or was he assuming he would piggy back on your pension?

wingsnthat · 03/05/2021 16:51

He sounds deeply unattractive

YoniAndGuy · 03/05/2021 18:21

Or was he assuming he would piggy back on your pension?

Well yes, of course he's assumed this. Why do you think he was 'stumped' - he could hardly say, well YOU'VE got a good pension and we'll have paid off more of the house by then and so I'll be ok...

OP, to reiterate yet again - just don't marry him.

It sounds like your relationship has its good and bad points and what you have broadly suits you, but this issue is clearly rumbing along in the background. It's great that you have brought up the finances - what he does now will be telling. Cynically, I suspect that one of the things he will do now is definitely want to make sure that marriage doesn't go on to the back burner...

Stay as you are. As an unmarried, financially independent pair, you can choose to be in your relationship at no cost to you, and that's good. Marry him, and you'll simply give yourself a scab to pick - the fact that now, if the cracks get bigger, he'll be in a position to screw you over. Don't put that kind of pressure in - there is absolutely no need.