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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thehop · 01/05/2021 15:23

Red flags everywhere with your updates Op

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2021 15:24

It’s weird though that you “forgot” to tell him. Usually a big purchase like that is exciting, and something you mention immediately. Particularly when you’re not in the habit of it.

Did you sub consciously know he’d object so decided it prudent not to mention it?

katy1213 · 01/05/2021 15:25

I've just seen his age and his lack of a pension ... bloody hell, he landed on his feet when he met you, didn't he? Younger woman keeping him in the manner to which he was too big a loser ever to achieve for himself.

Milliepossum · 01/05/2021 15:25

OP you’re his retirement plan, a nurse and a purse, don’t be surprised if he soon suggests you need to get married to show your commitment to him and once that happens he suddenly gets fired from his job.

I’ve seen this happen to friends more than once.

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 15:25

I love MN- thanks for all the viewpoints I haven't really considered.

I can't have children, unfortunately, so at least that's one less complication. We arranged the mortgage so it will be paid off by the time he's 65. That has meant the payments per month are higher than a 'normal' mortgage loan, but that seemed the most sensible option given his age.

We're engaged, but COVID meant we've put off making any plans. What started as a silly thread about his grumpiness and me being baffled by it, is now making me wonder if getting married would be a big mistake.

OP posts:
Grumblesigh · 01/05/2021 15:26

Well. I'm going to go a little against the majority view and say that maybe YABU, as the issue is differing expectations on finances and an apparent lack of communication.

He thinks that any big purchases should be discussed. That's not a radical idea in a serious relationship, even if he is frittering away far more at regular intervals. And it suggests that he's taking a 'family money' stance.

You think, I earned it, I'll spend it how I like and not ask permission - the only 'family money' is the money I put in the joint account. Also entirely valid.

You two need to sit down and talk this through. Money can be such a toxic issue if you don't agree on how to save and spend it, and on who it belongs to (in this case, mainly you!).

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 01/05/2021 15:26

What kind of pension is he going to have? How old will he be when the mortgage is paid?

BetterKateThanNever · 01/05/2021 15:27

Although £900 is a lot of money, it's not like you just splashed 40 grand on a new car. I wonder if he's ever worked out how much he spends on his hobby and cigs? Surely then he'd realised that compared to his expenses, £900 is rather reasonable! What a silly thing to get grumpy about. Perhaps you should curtail his expenses too so he's only allowed £1 a week pocket money for sweeties!

waitingforthenextseason · 01/05/2021 15:27

[quote herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]@AlmostSummer21, we've been together for 6 years, bought the house 3 years ago.

I feel the 2/3 + 1/3 split is fair- I'm not resentful of that. However, some of the comments on here have worried me about the future and what his expectations are once he reaches retirement age. I'm mid-30s, he's almost 50.[/quote]
He's frittering it all away while you save and got angsty when you finally bought something for yourself?

I'd definitely have a huge rethink, especially with him approaching retirement a good decade and a half ahead of you ... he was clearly looking at you as his buffer while enjoying his frittering and expensive cigarette habit.

waitingforthenextseason · 01/05/2021 15:28

If you're not having children, based on what you've written, getting married would be a potentially big mistake for you if the relationship then breaks down.

Grumblesigh · 01/05/2021 15:30

Ooo. Xposted on the age gap and the no-pension.

Yeah, that's not good.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 01/05/2021 15:31

He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save
Yet he chose to buy a house with you.......so who pays for things like furniture replaceents, broken item replacements, emergency repairs etc when they crop up?
You?

All he's paying is reduced 'rent' and bills and gets a % of any equity in the house despite paying in a lower amount and not contributing to the added value/extra expenses.

As for getting the grump with you - i'd pull him up on that, it's as though he's trying to guilt trip you over how you spend your own money whilst he doesn't feel as though he needs to explain why he isn't saving....

QueenPaw · 01/05/2021 15:34

@wheresmymojo my friend keeps buying horses. She has a thing for bay thoroughbreds though with no white markings so they all look the same to her husband... I don't think he's cottoned on she's up to 9 of them now

cracracatlady · 01/05/2021 15:36

Nope nope and nope. Don’t marry him. In fact I would muse the idea of buying out his share of the house so far, so he’d have no interest init, get a sole mortgage for a longer period, go 50/50 on bills still. He would have more disposable income (to save for his retirement) that he is clearly expecting you to fund

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 15:37

@OmniversalSpecies2021, he paid half towards a few things, like a dishwasher and new mattress in the first year. But yes, I've paid for most household things by myself, like new windows and boiler, oven and fridge freezer over the last two years.

I can't remember who asked about the flowers. I get a bunch on my birthday. He did have some coming once a month on subscription (Freddie's Flowers- they were GORGEOUS), but it was too expensive. I love Spring, where I can pick up a bunch of daffies for £1 at the supermarket :)

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/05/2021 15:40

Oh! I missed your last post!

I think that now would be the best time to panic! Run round like a headless chicken for half an hour or so! Get the freak out if your system and then sit down and think things through calmly.

It sounds as though your reality is just dawning on you! You may decide that it is fine but you can change your mind if you want to!

DinosaurDiana · 01/05/2021 15:41

As long as you are paying your share of bills etc, and you both keep your finances separate, it’s none of his business as long as you aren’t getting into debt which he would be responsible for.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 01/05/2021 15:42

Aside from his attitude (what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine), I'd be really pissed off at him taking the shine off me treating myself. You say you have to talk yourself into buying a bath bomb/flowers, so presumably a lot of consideration went into this tech purchase. I probably would've mentioned it to my partner in conversation, but regardless, it's really mean of him to get pissy about something you're excited about. It'd be like you making a shitty comment every time he returns from the shop with treats/ciggies.

DinosaurDiana · 01/05/2021 15:42

When I buy something now, like a washing machine etc, I save the receipt in my photos to prove that it’s mine in case of a split 😉

Floralnomad · 01/05/2021 15:44

The not having a pension would be a huge issue for me , he obviously doesn’t plan on retiring at 65 but it’s never too late to start saving / start a pension as every little helps .

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2021 15:44

It's 2 or 3 packets of fags per week, plus the hobby, and then lots of little buys like convenience food just for him, crap for his computer, old DVDs/CD/books, amazon stuff, that seems to take up his money. I'm the chalk to his cheese, and have to talk myself into buying myself a bath bomb or bunch of flowers.

DH and I are you and yours. He buys beer, cigars, goes out, new gym and hobby staff... I buy incredibly expensive sunglasses once a year. We manage that by having pocket money. We both get an amount per fortnight and when it's gone it's gone. His is currently always at £20 left to my £300. It means he can see that I'm 'entitled' to my big purchases.

However, we're married with children and the same age. We have planned for retirement and saved for DD and so on. We both have pensions. I think you need to ask what his plan is financially. His plan, not 'our' plan. And don't marry him. I'd also think carefully about the split of the house if this one isn't a keeper.

BlackMarauder · 01/05/2021 15:46

OP is he the best you could do? Do you really believe that you couldn't do better than a man in his 50s so hasn't planned for retirement and spend every cent he gets? Honestly I think you're making a mistake by buying a house with and marrying this guy. He already has his eye on your savings. You can do better and you know it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/05/2021 15:46

And I just had a delivery so missed that you are paying an accelerated mortgage to meet his retirement... so he really is benefitting from your earning power.

As I said, you might decide that the financial inequity is acceptable, my FILs 3rd wife did, she was 35 years younger than him and kept him until the died. It's not impossible.

But you have to walk into that relationship with your eyes wide open. And the financial inequity will be a permanent fixture in your relationship. You HAVE to be sure that is acceptable to you!

Newestname001 · 01/05/2021 15:46

@LadyCatStark

He’s clearly jealous that you can have this nice thing and he can’t. Don’t enter into any further discussions about it, you’ve done nothing wrong!

Actually he could have it, or something similar, if he wasn't literally burning more on cigarettes than the cost of the item OP bought on top of whatever the cost of his hobby. 🌹

Wegobshite · 01/05/2021 15:48

Your his retirement plan as someone said a nurse with a purse 😂
Don’t marry him otherwise you might find he’s entitled to some of your pension .
Ask him how he plans to fund his retirement- that will be very telling .
Oh and I’ve booked ££££ holidays and spent
£300 on Botox and fillers today
My DH wouldn’t even question it - he probably wouldn’t notice it either 😂
He bought a new car last year and didn’t really consult me - no more than I would with him when I’m buying something.