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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gothichouse40 · 01/05/2021 16:22

For me personally I'd have to talk about spending that amount of money with my husband, only because I see it as a large amount. My husband does not spend large amounts on himself, but if he wanted to spend that amount on himself, he'd discuss it with me. For this type of scenario it really depends on the couple and how they work their finances between them.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2021 16:22

@VeganVeal

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules
Yeah that doesn't really apply here though does it as they have the same amount of spending money.
Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 16:22

@VeganVeal

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules
No. You are completely misrepresenting it, which just makes you look silly.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/05/2021 16:23

@VeganVeal

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules
I think you may only be remembering the more partisan responses.

Nobody in real life agrees with that mind set!

rwalker · 01/05/2021 16:23

Honestly I'd just suck it up i've been both the low and the high earner. There can be resentment when the other partner treating themselves and you can't . The other side of the coin is you earn more so why shouldn't you not your fault they don't earn as much .

Being harsh if you get married your fuck he's quids in pension and all .

amusedbush · 01/05/2021 16:24

Please don't marry him. He sounds like a cocklodger and if you get married, he'll be a nice comfy position with your hard earned money and you can only be worse off.

He's nearly 50 with no provisions for his retirement and he's happy to piss his wages up the wall. He's not a catch.

cruisecrazy · 01/05/2021 16:24

Please do not marry this loser. He will just as likely say after a couple of years, sorry it was a mistake. You will then wave away half the house, your pension and any other assets you have and he will be laughing all the way to the bank. Open your eyes and smell the coffee he is just using you.

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 16:25

@VeganVeal, as others have said, your statements don't describe this situation.

I didn't spend family money, I spent my money.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2021 16:26

@VeganVeal

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules
Firstly they aren't married. Secondly that's not how they organise their money. Thirdly, I'd love to see a thread with a 50 yo woman, smoking her cash away, no pension or savings, younger partner paying more expenses, no kids, moaning about him buying a one-off purchase.
WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2021 16:27

@herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice and support!

@Graphista, I keep encouraging him to organise his own pension, that even starting now, it would help him later on. He nods and makes all the right noises, but never does anything.

No, he doesn't have kids himself, has never wanted them.

OP I asked earlier but you may have missed it. How will he pay his share of bills when he's retired?
RandomMess · 01/05/2021 16:30

Marriage with someone with completely different attitudes to money is usually a disaster.

Sadly I think you will financially carry him above and beyond what is "reasonable". The fact he cannot understand how you could afford it despite you having equal spending money is an absolutely HUGE red flag.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 01/05/2021 16:34

[quote herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo]@AtLeastThreeDrinks, yes, I've been thinking and talking about buying the ipad for a few months. He's been part of those discussions, so it's not as if I just impulsively spent almost a grand. Sorry- I've just realised I didn't make that clear before! He seems to be pissed off that I didn't check or ask him at the moment of purchase, or maybe he thought I wouldn't actually buy it.[/quote]
Even worse that he's in a mood about it then! Did he object to the purchase when you first mentioned it?

We're always really excited for each other when one of us orders something we've had our eye on. I'd be in a massive mood about his mood if I were you Grin

Original poster
herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 16:34

Thanks for asking again, @WallaceinAnderland. When we talked about it a while ago, he said that he will keep working freelance if he needs to, and the state pension 'should' cover bills. The mortgage is our biggest expense, obviously.

OP posts:
wombatgoeswild · 01/05/2021 16:34

It is VERY hard to accrue a decent pension in your 50s.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2021 16:35

Your money your business.

If he gets a better paid job and/or gives up smoking he can afford some nice things for himself.

have you go kids/are you planning on having kids with him?

JollyAndBright · 01/05/2021 16:35

DP and I have been together a long time,
we have a teenager and a house but are mortgage free.

Like you we get paid into our personal accounts and then transfer money for bills and household expenses, which we split 50/50, into a joint account we have.
Anything left over is ours to do with as we please.

DP is a saver and can easily save large sums in just a few months (such as the 5k he’s just committed to purchasing the new Rolex that was just announced)
I OTOH am a spender, I can easily fritter away all of my spare cash each month and saving takes real effort for me.

I would absolutely never begrudge DP any of the expensive toys he purchases, it’s his money, he can spend it however he pleases.

Your DP is a dick.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2021 16:36

@herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo

Thanks for asking again, *@WallaceinAnderland*. When we talked about it a while ago, he said that he will keep working freelance if he needs to, and the state pension 'should' cover bills. The mortgage is our biggest expense, obviously.
What about when he's too old to work?
skodadoda · 01/05/2021 16:38

@waitingforthenextseason

If you're not having children, based on what you've written, getting married would be a potentially big mistake for you if the relationship then breaks down.
I agree. The house would become the matrimonial home and could get complicated if you split.
Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 16:40

@herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo you really do need to tell him straight out (if you haven’t already) that his attitude is out of order and you’d like him never to have a bad attitude about your spending decisions. He doesn’t get to demand anything from you unless he’s going to live by the same rules.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2021 16:41

OP I am so sorry I just saw your post about not being able to have children. Please excuse me because I asked about that. I have two children, one is adopted so presumably you don't want to do that. I'm just asking because you are quite young to have decided not to pursue a family and your partner is so much older than you.

Yosami · 01/05/2021 16:43

Wow. He is a dickhead.

How can he not see this has nothing to do with him ?

LuaDipa · 01/05/2021 16:44

@VeganVeal

You for got the MN rules, if DH does it he's a careless, unthinking shit for spending the 'family' money on rubbish without holding meeting to get permission, if DW does it he can fuck off, its your money, you worked for it and can do what you like with it . Thems the rules
This is blatantly incorrect, it very much depends on the individual family setup.

Op and her dp have separate bank accounts and separate spending money. They have not committed to saving together or a joint account. His money is quite clearly his to spend as he likes, so hers should be the same.

The responses would be very different if they had joint savings and op decided to spend such a substantial amount on something just for her without checking.

RosesAndHellebores · 01/05/2021 16:45

OP you have the patience of a Saint.
DH and I have organised money and finances in a diametrically opposed way to MNet for decades.
We do not have a joint account.
I have not always known how much DH has earned.
We have accounts and assets splattered about but her knows where my papers are and I know where his are.
I had 8 years as a SAHM and he paid for everything but I laid out and he wrote me cheque at the end of the month. Had a little box fornelreceipts and notebook where I kept a tally - he never questioned a penny.
when I got a part-time job it was for an interest and pin money but I started paying my own personal expenses.

There was a point when he earned more than 10 times my salary and some.
Now he earns about 50% more.

We have similar attitudes to money. We have both secured our pension income. We both spend wisely. Despite that he doesn't know exactly what I have and I don't know exactly what he has.

We have both made major purchases without consultation. His: a sports car and a house in France; me plantation shutters in a former house, some paintings and ......... a cat 🐈. He was a bit grumpy about the cat.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2021 16:47

I agree that you need to challenge his attitude OP as that is not on.

Sunbird24 · 01/05/2021 16:47

OP if you did your maths in the beginning and worked out that the financial situation when he retires and the mortgage is paid off is one you’re satisfied with then that’s great. You do however need to deal with him sulking if you spend your own fun money on stuff for yourself without consulting him, when he spends the same amount of money on cigarettes and his hobby without thinking that he should consult you.