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Original poster

To say that your if daughter tells you she feels the same as Elliot Page

207 replies

Notagain20 · 01/05/2021 08:46

... To please explore all the reasons why she might feel intensely uncomfortable with her growing female body, and not just assume she's transgender?

There's such an epidemic of sexual assault, harassment and sexualised bullying towards girls of all ages. Kids are exposed to violent porn from the moment they can use a phone. Eating disorders are exploding, further evidence that hatred of bodies is rife among young people. Adolescence has always been a storm of hormones and emotions, girls have always discovered that their bodies are treated as public property but that is so much worse now.

If your daughter hates her female body please don't assume she's transgender. She might be, but it's far more likely that she is having a normal response to a really sexist society. She needs your help to discover how women throughout time have helped each other navigate this experience, looked after each other, and organised together to change things.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 01/05/2021 08:50

Hmmm I think if your dd comes to you to tell you she is transgender and you come back with that you are likely to damage your relationship with her / him forever. Never dismiss someone’s feelings and experiences about their own body.

Hopdathelf · 01/05/2021 08:50

We need a Like button for common sense posts like this.

BlackForestCake · 01/05/2021 09:01

Does she think Eliot Page seems happy?

PassionPeach · 01/05/2021 09:07

I can see both sides here, really. I remember when I was going through puberty, the thought of it terrified me. I would bind my breasts and wear overly slouchy clothing because I didn't want to be seen as female or 'sexual'. The thought of being sexualised or desired made me feel sick, so I figured that trying to make myself look as masculine as possible would divert that attention away from me, which is did, but people then also started called me a 'lesbian' so it was hard in that sense, too. If I was young now, I would no doubt think I was trans, or at least be questioning my gender. Not that there is anything really wrong with that, but I get your concerns. If it was my daughter, I would just try my best to keep an open dialogue. Don't shut down what she is saying, because like what I experienced, it could just be anxiety about a changing body, but it could also be something more. Sorry for not being much help.

Original poster
Notagain20 · 01/05/2021 09:09

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmmm I think if your dd comes to you to tell you she is transgender and you come back with that you are likely to damage your relationship with her / him forever. Never dismiss someone’s feelings and experiences about their own body.
Absolutely. Dismissing someone is never good. Exploring feelings fully in the context of their full experience is vital. The experience of growing up in a female body is sadly an increasingly dangerous and distressing one which can lead to various conclusions and interpretations.
OP posts:
Hangingover · 01/05/2021 09:12

You shouldn't assume they are but I think you should listen carefully and show you're taking them seriously.

I feel very sorry for Elliott Page and I really hope he will be happier in the future. What he described sounded absolutely miserable and I can see how people are so worn down by it he contemplate suicide. Sad

Original poster
Notagain20 · 01/05/2021 09:13

Apologies for typo in the title of this - should be "if" your daughter says this. I'm not in this situation myself atm

OP posts:
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 01/05/2021 09:18

My 9 year old often says she wishes she was a boy. It stems mostly from boys not having to have periods or breasts and the fact boys don’t seem to have silly arguments and fall out with each other constantly like girls do. She sadly does seem to have a lot of negativity towards her own sex despite me raising her with a feminist approach. We have plenty of books about amazing women, we talk about how great women are and she has a strong girls club T-shirt too Grin but she sadly currently feels life would be easier as a boy. Tbh she’s probably right, men do have it easier in many ways...

Anyway, I would never jump straight into the ‘oh you must be transgender’ approach with a child. Children experiment with all manners of different identities over the years.

cinammonbuns · 01/05/2021 09:23

@BlackForestCake what type of weird question is that? I assume none of us now Elliot personally so how exactly could we tell if they are happy?

Original poster
Notagain20 · 01/05/2021 09:25

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

My 9 year old often says she wishes she was a boy. It stems mostly from boys not having to have periods or breasts and the fact boys don’t seem to have silly arguments and fall out with each other constantly like girls do. She sadly does seem to have a lot of negativity towards her own sex despite me raising her with a feminist approach. We have plenty of books about amazing women, we talk about how great women are and she has a strong girls club T-shirt too Grin but she sadly currently feels life would be easier as a boy. Tbh she’s probably right, men do have it easier in many ways...

Anyway, I would never jump straight into the ‘oh you must be transgender’ approach with a child. Children experiment with all manners of different identities over the years.

She's lucky to have a cool feminist mum!
OP posts:
Soubriquet · 01/05/2021 09:29

I think lots of girls become uncomfortable when puberty hits and why wouldn’t they?

Hair starts growing in odd places, their breasts start growing and boys make comments and then you start bleeding!

It’s a hard time to be a girl.

I wish Elliot all the best but I do think they look unhappy now too

They look very ill and uncomfortable despite being “their best self”

bumblingbovine49 · 01/05/2021 09:32

I use to wish I was a boy/man all the time from my childhood right up to my 30s. Somet
It never occurred to me that I was trans, just that being female was scary in a male led and dominated world and I didn't want to be in the ' victim group'. I understood that even in my teens and thought of myself as a feminist even then.

I am not sure how we help our young woman with this epidemic of loathing their bodies but it is pretty heartbreaking.

Hangingover · 01/05/2021 09:35

They look very ill and uncomfortable despite being “their best self”

I've just said this on the other thread but...

If we really, really try to get our head around what a massive thing this person is going through (and not default.to.trying to pick holes in it, as is the normal way of the intern, let's be honest!) and then factor in the fact it's all playing out in the public eye I think it makes total sense that we didn't see a "finished product" so to speak. Most people who undergo huge and serious change in their lives come out of it a bit wobbly. I thought the same as you at first but as the interview went on and he spoke about the joy of feeling right within himself I thought it was more like overwhelm. Which is understandable.

AMillionMilesAway · 01/05/2021 09:47

I wouldn't automatically assume trans, no. But I wouldn't dismiss them out of hand.

As a younger teen, I would hide my body in baggy clothes. I was ashamed of periods, I hated everything about puberty. I think that's normal. What wasn't normal- then- was a transgendered person. Pretty sure I didn't know they existed in the early 90s, although of course they must have.

So I think wishing you didn't have to deal with a changing body is pretty normal.

BanginChoons · 01/05/2021 09:49

If someone tells you who they are, maybe you should believe them.

Ponoka7 · 01/05/2021 09:55

@BanginChoons

"If someone tells you who they are, maybe you should believe them."

Adults yes, but children/teens, particularly girls, do go through phases of self loathing, or wanting to be boys. So their feelings need to be explored and they need help to work out how they really feel and why.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2021 09:55

@BanginChoons

If someone tells you who they are, maybe you should believe them.
Never heard of rapid onset dysphoria (ROGD), predominantly in girls?!

A child does not have the ability to make that decision. Nor does a very mentally unwell one. The priority should be to deal with underlying mental illness and see if the dysphoria remains once the former is under control.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2021 09:58

@BanginChoons

If someone tells you who they are, maybe you should believe them.
My 5year old would constantly tell me they were a cat.
terfinginthevoid · 01/05/2021 09:59

This reply has been deleted

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zzizzer · 01/05/2021 10:00

Yes - the detrans community on reddit is absolutely packed with stories like this and I would recommend exploring it for the side you don't often hear online.

It's honestly a bit heartbreaking for me as its a "there but for the grace of god" thing. I've said this before on here, but I would have transitioned as a child: I "lived as a boy" including name, haircut, only playing with boys and hating all the girls etc for most of my childhood and teens. Utterly loathed my breasts and period when they started (still could do without them really). Wore boys or baggy clothes all the time and still do sometimes. I would have ticked every box and leapt at a chance to be a boy instead.

Luckily this was the old days where people just played along gently. I only really grew into my female body in my mid 20s (coincidentally at the same time as discovering feminism). Then I was diagnosed autistic in my 30s.

Branleuse · 01/05/2021 10:01

Id tell my child not to jump to conclusions. Elliot is an adult and also their own person and has just decided to embark on a lifetime of medication and surgery which even if they change their mind will have long term consequences and that is no small deal. Its far better to wait these things out and if they want to dress differently or are drawn towards more masculine things, theres nothing wrong with that. Being comfortable in your own skin can be a long process with a lot of people and it doesnt necessarily mean that theyll be happier for all this intervention.

megletthesecond · 01/05/2021 10:02

I thought it was quite normal to hate your body growing up. Puberty is a thing to be endured IMO and hopefully you'll make to your 20's with only a handful of issues.

Branleuse · 01/05/2021 10:03

@BanginChoons

If someone tells you who they are, maybe you should believe them.
Why? Do you believe and enable everything your child says without question?
BanginChoons · 01/05/2021 10:03

No-one is born in the wrong body. ‘Being trans’ is an expression of distress (or a sexual fetish).

There was a time when being gay was considered a mental illness.

SD1978 · 01/05/2021 10:06

Puberty is such a massive change- physically and mentally. Knowing you can just go back with the help of a few readily available pills......I agree. The increase of ROGD- mainly girl, many with Autism, who with no prior body dystrophies issues suddenly want 'top' surgery, it are happy to be 'heterosexual' and leave their female genitals intact, whilst still sleeping with women, is scary. They we encourage body mutilation in children who growing up seems to be the issue........this is not a time future generations are going to look well on I don't think. We are supporting female mutilation from a younger and younger age and I find it terrifying.