Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 30/04/2021 22:05

Hi op,
What is your Aibu please?

KarmaStar · 30/04/2021 22:06

Sorry just read it again!😀

mayblossominapril · 30/04/2021 22:06

Is it when rather than if you split? If you are going to split you may as well get copies of all the paperwork and ensure he can run off with the joint savings before he spends £4K

KarmaStar · 30/04/2021 22:07

Yanbu at all.he is being selfish.take the 4k and put it aside somewhere for your future.

cookinahurry · 30/04/2021 22:08

What Karmastar says. He ain't got get any less selfish!

HermioneWeasley · 30/04/2021 22:08

You need to go back to work. He doesn’t repeat you and this will not end well.

FWIW my partner is a SAHM and I’m a high earner. We discuss a,, big purchases, and have equal spends. I am only able to earn because she takes care of the kids and the house. All money is family money.

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 22:09

How much savings do you guys have? What does he want to buy and is it a hobby that he is invested in?

lolacola77 · 30/04/2021 22:09

Isn't he a fucking prince?

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 22:11

How old are the kids? Perhaps he is getting tired of being only earner.

Zancah · 30/04/2021 22:13

Definitely take 4K and just sit on it. If it's left to him, it sounds like he'd fritter it away anyway.

LittleOwl153 · 30/04/2021 22:14

I'd take the £4000 and the £2000 for the teeth and put it somewhere he can't touch it - parents friends you can trust? It feels like you are going to need it and not a share...

TheMotherlode · 30/04/2021 22:14

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?

Iloveacurry · 30/04/2021 22:15

Take the 4K, and put it in YOUR savings account.

Suzi888 · 30/04/2021 22:16

@KarmaStar

Yanbu at all.he is being selfish.take the 4k and put it aside somewhere for your future.
^
lostlife · 30/04/2021 22:16

@Iloveacurry

Take the 4K, and put it in YOUR savings account.
Makes no difference- still a marital asset
fallfallfall · 30/04/2021 22:17

he's an ass. he's able to earn what he does because you are taking care of the home and home life he enjoys. you contribute equally to the relationship although not financially at this point.
you are not "worthless" and your input into the family is not "worth less".
please stand up for yourself and don't accept this bull shit warped perspective.

SpacePotato · 30/04/2021 22:17

So you need to work to buy food while he gets to piss £6k up the wall. Nice.

Can you split the savings and put half in an account in your name?

New teeth, telling you to get a job, spending money etc. Any chance he's planning to leave/got another woman?

Cocomarine · 30/04/2021 22:19

@lostlife it still makes a very big practical difference, to have £4K in your own bank account when a marriage goes tits up!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 30/04/2021 22:19

Open your own bank account and put the 4k there. Save in line with what he spends

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/04/2021 22:21

He sounds resentful that you don't work. Was it a joint decision?
He's entitled to ask you to pay your way, and he's also entitled to spend his hard earned money on a hobby. He's said you can have the same amount so that seems fine.
Really I think you should have a discussion and find out what the problem is. I would probably be annoyed if my partner didn't work but expected control over my earnings. Particularly if children were school age.

amblers · 30/04/2021 22:21

I'm trying not to be to outing with details. Sick of having to worry about the newspapers publishing our posts. We have around £50k in savings, we are in our mid 40's. I don't understand why just 4 weeks ago it was so important to have money saved for a roof, boiler, car, pension etc but this week it's fine to take £8k out just like that. Where will it end? Like I've said I think it's partly to start to reduce savings so I don't get as much. I've never been a money grabber. I've literally lived begging and justifying for money off him. I've been using a small inheritance for the last year to cover shopping, everything for the kids, holiday, dog, he's 'let' me buy it all. When I noticed my money getting low I asked for help towards food shopping and the answer was a very clear NO! That's when I insisted on looking through the bank stuff together and all this has started since. He agreed after that reluctantly to give me a third of the shopping expenses. All my clothes are supermarket brands, very basic. I'm very low maintenance. I'm still paying for the kids stuff and the expenses of the dog.

OP posts:
rwalker · 30/04/2021 22:21

Why wouldn't you want to work and contrubute

Freecuthbert · 30/04/2021 22:23

YANBU. I think spending 4k on an item for a hobby without consulting you is very unreasonable, unless he is a very high earner. The fact that you are having to go back to work to pay for the weekly shop suggests that he isn't one.

It's unfair of him to argue that he earned the money/he's worked hard for it therefore it's his to spend. He may have brought in the money, but only because you've been a stay at home mum, allowing him to work full time and progress in his career. And now he thinks you are less deserving after the sacrifice you made? I would definitely pull him up on that.

DeciduousPerennial · 30/04/2021 22:23

£4000 is a lot of groceries......

Pinkandwhiteblossom · 30/04/2021 22:23

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?

My first thought. ^^

Dh wants a 10k one. I laughed at him, and suggested I might quite like a couple of 5k handbags.

He’s not buying the bike.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread