DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

@Hellocatshome

There is no point taking money and putting it into a bank account, she would have to declare it if they divorced. Thats why she should take it in cash and give to a friend/family member to look after. If she doesnt have it they cant split it in the divorce can they.

I haven't got anyone to keep cash for me. I'm embarrassed enough to be stuck in this situation, I'm not telling anyone in real life. Not that I have anyone to talk to. DH gets to look a great catch to the outside, nobody has a clue what I go through.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

But you could have booked a nursery or childminder and it doesn’t sound like your child is very young so no reason not to have worked other than your choice. Millions of parents work, it’s hardly hard to do both.

I am only able to get minimum wage, no skills or experience. I'm restricted to the hours I can work and by the time childcare is paid for Im not earning much. School holidays and I'd work at a loss! And yes I'm to pay for it.

@amblers please consider having a chat with Women’s Aid

It sounds like there’s more to unpick from your situation than just the finances (which are an issue)

You could have used the thirty odd hours in which your child is at school to train, volunteer, work etc. After school care doesn’t wipe out a min wage job even in expensive areas.

@An0n0n0n

Step 1. Take the 4k.

Step 2. Get a job to suit you and make him responsible for finding childcare - you DONT have to work around him.

1. Work out an exit strategy.

OP, do this, immediately. Take steps to ensure you can at least support yourself without him financially. Ignore the utterly misogynistic posters implying this is somehow your fault.

@DinosaurDiana

There is no point taking money and putting it into a bank account, she would have to declare it if they divorced.

It doesn't matter. What matters is the immediate need to have access to some money that she can use for a solicitor or rent or living costs if she needs it. It's a safety net, and opens up options for her. At the moment (if I've understood correctly), she doesn't have any funds.

Apols - I've realised Dinosaur was talking about the idea of taking £25k from the savings. I was referring to the £4k he's offering.

You need to start working as a long game.

The time will come when your children are all school age and even minimum wage will more than cover wraparound care, and then before you know it they are secondary and need no child care whatsoever and you will have nothing. If you leave it too long then you won't have enough working years left to rise beyond minimum wage and will be trapped with this man, as leaving him could put you in a position where you struggle to support yourself once child maintenance ends.

See it as an escape plan. It may take years but if you don't start working it will never happen.

Op your situation sounds awful. But you do seem to have some strange ideas about money. Firstly it's perfectly possible to work and have children. Yes you may be restricted in what you can do and you (as a family) may need to pay for childcare. But loads of women work and are still responsible for picking up and dropping off the children, shopping and cooking. Single parents manage it so it must be possible. Secondly there's nothing wrong with spending on a hobby. Thirdly university is a strange thing to be worried about. I would think it's preferable for both parents to work and have hobbies, than for one to stay home and neither have hobbies, just to fund university.
And it is means tested on household income rather than savings and is something like 3 grand a year that you are expected to contribute. So not a huge sum for a high earner.
Fourthly you said you are comfortable and no one goes without but now you say you can't afford to buy food and clothes.
It sounds as though neither of you have been communicating well as you are somewhat at cross purposes about the cause of the disagreement.
It also sounds like you could have been working years ago and the subject should have been broached much earlier which is your husband's fault perhaps. But if he's always going on about how hard up he is, maybe you could also have considered getting a job much sooner?
I don't think you can claim to be subject to financial abuse when you are the one trying to control his spending.

And if you cant work now/lack skills, try and get some training/qualifications asap to improve your prospects.

I think you need to start doing the maths to work out how much he has been hiding from you.

Do you know how much he earns ? You might not want to state his job on here to ask people but could you do a Google search to work out approx earnings?

You say he is a high earner as has an important job so therefore i think £4K would be less than one months wage . After rent/ mortgage etc which he contributes to, how much is approx left ? How much is left over ? How long would it take to get to £50k. I bet not long

Thus there is money saved elsewhere.

Did you work before you met him?

So many conclusions are being made. I asked originally if it was unreasonable to think it was a waste of money and to think it reasonable that I should have a say in what 'our' money is spent on. I think what I should of asked was AIBU to think of my DH's earnings as ours rather than his after 25 years together and being a SAHM for many of those 25 years.

AIBU to think of my DH's earnings as ours rather than his after 25 years together and being a SAHM for many of those 25 years

Yes I would say you are BU. Twenty five years isn’t a SAHM, it’s unemployed in reality. Children don’t need a parent home for 25 years whatsoever.

I think what I should of asked was AIBU to think of my DH's earnings as ours rather than his after 25 years together and being a SAHM for many of those 25 years.

The answer is: yanbu only if that decision for you to be a SAHM (for how long? Forever?) supported financially by him was agreed together, which it clearly isnt given that he is not giving you equal access to finances. It's clearly not his intention to fully support you financially & share finances. In which case you need to work and earn your own money.

Twenty five years isn’t a SAHM, it’s unemployed in reality. Children don’t need a parent home for 25 years whatsoever.

This. How old are your children?

@amblers

So many conclusions are being made. I asked originally if it was unreasonable to think it was a waste of money and to think it reasonable that I should have a say in what 'our' money is spent on. I think what I should of asked was AIBU to think of my DH's earnings as ours rather than his after 25 years together and being a SAHM for many of those 25 years.

The thing is, everyone has different opinions, based on their different experiences. I've always had a separate bank account, based on my having trained and worked in a specialist field and deliberately having kept it up. I always see work bonuses/savings as mine alone and spend them how I like. But I've also treated DP to nice holidays. Equally, I wouldn't begrudge him spending his money on a bike, especially since we are both cyclists.

What I found a bit concerning about you is that you said you don't have close enough friends you could leave a cash lump sum with. It almost sounds as if you've withdrawn from the world a bit and its become a habit. I think discussing your situation with a life coach or similar might help you feel more motivated.

What were you planning to do when your children leave home?

Are you actually dissatisfied with your marriage/planning to leave?

Regarding divorce though, I think the courts now prefer one off clean break settlements and aren't keen on extensive maintenance for non-working ex spouses. The idea very much is that people who are capable should work to support themselves, not expect an ex partner to do it.

Circles is right. Its considered today that there are few/no barriers to married women working, so long term spousal maintenance is not considered necessary.

@CirclesWithinCircles

Regarding divorce though, I think the courts now prefer one off clean break settlements and aren't keen on extensive maintenance for non-working ex spouses. The idea very much is that people who are capable should work to support themselves, not expect an ex partner to do it.

It’s a good move, I’d like to see spousal maintenance a thing of the past.

Obviously I've not been a SAHM for all of the 25 years. I worked before having children and I work now. Ive had a couple of part time jobs I could actually fit in that suited DH. When we first moved in together and he got his first job My family paid the deposit on the first property we bought (we would never of got on the property ladder if we hadn't bought back then) and I paid off all of his student debt. I bought myself and him our first mobile phones, paid for cinema, petrol, days out etc because he couldn't afford it as a student and I could as I was working. Funny how things turn out.

your husband is abusing you. He needs to treat you with the respect you deserve and fund the housekeeping. As the father of the children it is his place to keep them . You should not have had to use your money for this.
You need to get away asap. Contact woman's aid/refuge . He should be treating you as an equal and of course you should have had access to joint accounts and never have to worry or beg for money.
I suspect your husband is a public fugure or politician.
For the sake of you and your children you need to get out and woman's aid can and will help you.
You are being emotionally abused.
I wish you well.

Clearly he doesn't want to support you financially now. Many people would agree he doesn't sound like a real gem of a man, does he. Effectively that gives you two choices. Stay, work and earn as much money as you can for yourself (and don't share it) or get shot of him. In the short term leaving him may provide you some financial benefit as you will get half or maybe a little over that of assets. But longer term it's likely you would end up needing to work and fully support yourself financially.

How old are your children?

Take the money and put it in an account in case you want to leave. You say it will be marital assets so no point but it won’t be if you have spent it on rent etc.

Then work on getting a full time job or some qualifications.

If you have to pay childcare for a bit you are still getting work experience which will hopefully get you a better wage/job long term.

Your refusal to say the age of your children though makes me think they are secondary. You talk about uni fees and I don’t think you would be worrying about that if your kids were little.

The advice you get will vary depending on the age of your kids. It is very relevant.

You say you are the one providing all the childcare and cooking and seem quite resistant to working more than a few hours but lots of full time working parents do manage to cook and look after kids outside of their working hours.

So many conclusions are being made. I asked originally if it was unreasonable to think it was a waste of money and to think it reasonable that I should have a say in what 'our' money is spent on. I think what I should of asked was AIBU to think of my DH's earnings as ours rather than his after 25 years together and being a SAHM for many of those 25 years

Yes, you should have a say. No, you should not have a veto. You’ve said your dh can easily re-earn the money as he’s a high earner. You have savings. He’s offered you an equivalent amount for frippery if you want it. Personally I think it’s better for partners to have separate accounts for personal spending money. Like the couple on the other “buying an expensive item without telling him” thread, we are one “save and splurger” and one “drip drip drip daily pointless crap-er” so separate works for us. Joint works if nobody spends any money ever or you have very similar habits.

SAHP are undoubtedly an enormous support to a working parent, including financially during the expensive pre school years. Unless there is an enormous back story of an unusually high number of children or children with additional needs then it very much sounds like you’ve stretched the sahp period to breaking point. You are simultaneously talking about childcare costs like you have a pair of toddlers and imminent university costs like you have a pair of sixth formers (maybe you have one of each but didn’t think it relevant). The reality is, although £60k+ (+plus not that much I suspect given the monthly income) is a good salary but not one where it is the norm to support a non working spouse forever. It’s not normal or usual to not work (or barely work) for 25 years but you sound genuinely surprised that you are now expected to do so. Whatever agreement you had in the past that you are a sahp/unemployed, has broken down. This was probably inevitable and certainly predictable.

You may well be being abused/controlled/treated unfairly etc but spending £4K on a one off not a bike when you earn £60k and have £50k savings and expecting your partner to make a contribution to the family finances (which, again, boils down to how old the children are) are not in themselves abusive.

I’ve always regarded all our money (what we brought in at the start, earnings and inheritance) as “our money” through the back and forth of periods of unemployment or studying or high earning or (me) being a sahp. I honestly don’t know if I’d still feel like that if DH was going to not earn anything for several decades of his earning life, long after children had started school (I’m assuming based on university concerns) and with no responsibilities beyond normal adult life. I do know I wouldn’t take to kindly to being told I wasn’t allowed to spend what I was earning. Maybe that’s really unfair but it’s more expensive to support another adult who is not working through choice than it is to buy not a bike so I’d resent being told I couldn’t. Different with small children as it’s often cheaper to support the sahp to not work to save childcare expenses. (Even if more expensive it’s often the preferred choice ideologically so worth the money)

I have found that during my non earning periods I have found it quite stressful due to not really having much control over income/savings. I panic and don’t want to spend (I think because I personally can’t replace it). During my periods of being the sole earner I’ve found the responsibility stressful. I wouldn’t want to be in either position for very long periods.