DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

@amblers

Obviously I've not been a SAHM for all of the 25 years. I worked before having children and I work now. Ive had a couple of part time jobs I could actually fit in that suited DH. When we first moved in together and he got his first job My family paid the deposit on the first property we bought (we would never of got on the property ladder if we hadn't bought back then) and I paid off all of his student debt. I bought myself and him our first mobile phones, paid for cinema, petrol, days out etc because he couldn't afford it as a student and I could as I was working. Funny how things turn out.

Ive had a couple of part time jobs I could actually fit in that suited DH.

What do you mean by jobs that 'suit DH'? I'm assuming your kids are teenagers or older... so no need to arrange jobs around childcare. Why not just get a 9-5 job?

"I can't possibly get a job, DH doesn't like to cook"

oh come off it, OP.

How. Old. Are. The. Children.

@Flowers500

How. Old. Are. The. Children.

Teenagers, I believe

"my youngest needs me around to make sure he revises for his GCSEs, it's simply not an option for me to get a job at the moment"

Yes, you should have a say. No, you should not have a veto. You’ve said your dh can easily re-earn the money as he’s a high earner. You have savings. He’s offered you an equivalent amount for frippery if you want it.

You may well be being abused/controlled/treated unfairly etc but spending £4K on a one off not a bike when you earn £60k and have £50k savings and expecting your partner to make a contribution to the family finances are not in themselves abusive.

All of this. And it really does matter how old the children are.

"my youngest needs me around to make sure he revises for his GCSEs, it's simply not an option for me to get a job at the moment"

Hi OP
This shit you are going was my life over 20 years ago. I had very similar issues. Took me ages to realise that I was being abused and controlled, and I left. I had to get part time work initially and top up with benefits, but I was free from the mind games and the control. I have worked hard since that time, and got work placed qualifications and now have a decent salary where I can support myself.

Do you really want to be with this man for rest of your life? You aren't trapped OP, you can get out, it's just whether you really want to. Good luck xx

OP like you when DH and I got married I was the higher earner and owned my own house. I had 8 years off with the DC and went back to work part-time when dd was settled into reception. It was low, paid and entry level. I was about 43. It meant I could pay for my own hair, make-up, have some independence.

Two years later I was offered a promotion and the chance to get some professional quals but had to work full-time. Once I paid for the au-pair and I never contemplated asking dh to, I cleared what I had in the p/t role.

I have never regarded dh's earnings as mine, nor him mine.

Working full time meant my dc were organised vis their school work.

I have a lot of sympathy for you op but wonder if your dh has got tired of shouldering the load.

OP you really need to focus on your career now and stop thinking about the past and paying for cinema trips as students. I’m sure your DH has paid for a lot more over the years,

It sounds like it won’t be long before the kids leave home and it will just be the two of you, so maybe now would be a good time to go out for an alfresco lunch and talk about where the two of you see the relationship going in the future, when the children are away at uni and adults.

You can tell him that you need his support to get back into the job market or that you want to retrain in a particular field and because of that he needs to step up with housework or cooking etc or maybe pay towards a cleaner if you will be working full time.

You need to look to the future and not the past and not use the dc as an excuse anymore as to why you can’t do things or what agreements were in place 10 years ago or more, try to move past that.

The op’s other thread mentions saving for a child for uni so presume there’s one and a teenager.

@TheMotherlode

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?

I was thinking exactly this!

What happens in families where there is no"saving for Uni"

Sorry op, but... you are here insisting on keeping the status quo as that is the only thing you know, while he looks as he has long signed out of his marriage, is moving on but doesn’t want to be the “one who ends the marriage”.

I would better prepare, get back to work, stop seeing your children as if they are toddlers, and build some savings to bear you through until the separation of assets is sorted. It is not a matter you have or can have full control of, it is not a matter of “if” but a matter of “when”. And no, he won’t be forced to support his children beyond 18 unless he wants to but... if he is already begrudging contributing to their food bill 🤷🏻‍♀️

And don’t be so naive, build your secret fund just in case (don’t you think he wouldn’t have one if he is so disrespectful of your and your kids’needs??? ), even a few hundred pounds hidden under the mattress is better than having nothing to survive on/pay a deposit with because “you needed to report all savings to court”, do you think he will? Do you think he will be decent when he is showing huge flags he will not?

@randomer , it depends on your circumstances, if the household income is over £58,000 a year, you will need to find around £10,000 a year to pay the living cost of your child at university.

If you are under the threshold (around £25k), your child get a maintenance loan to cover around £10 k of living expenses.

There is a sliding scale in the amount the will get if the family is between both thresholds.

@randomer if the family is low paid the bursary element may cover rent and living expenses. Otherwise parents are expected to make up the difference or the student has to work part-time.

For example my DC are/were eligible for the minimum each term which is c£1300; dd's rent is c£1700. Her university strongly recommends students don't work. Different families approach things differently. Not everyone takes out student loans.

... and agree with Roses, even if your kids get the full amount of loan maintenance loan you still need to have some extra savings as the loan won’t cover all, for example, most students move into private accommodation at the 3nd of their first year, but they have to pay the deposit of the next accomodation months before they get the deposit back of the house they currently live in.

The whole situation sounds awful OP. He doesn't respect you at all

I can't see how you have needed to be a stay at home mum for so long but you continue to defend your position. If you are not going to work so you can look after the family/home, that should ideally be a joint decision between you and DH as should the spending of large amounts of 'family' money.

i get the impression from your posts that your DH has been trying to get you to find some work and contribute to the family finances (by making out money is tight) for some time. He now seems to have then decided that if you are not going to, he can spend some of 'his' money how he likes. Particularly as he is a high earner and has accumulated a decent amount of savings. I am not sure I entirely disagree with him. It sounds like he is fed up of paying for everything and without knowing more about the ages of your children, it isn't possible to know how reasonable/unreasonable this is. While lots of mums stay at home while kids are small, most look for at least part time work once the kids are in full time school and certainly by secondary. I don't know any parents of secondary age children who don't work.

For the record, I am a full time working single parent to a 14yo. I still manage to look after the house, cook from scratch and care for my son. While I am fortunate to be able to work from home currently and my house isn't always as clean as I would like, it is actually a lot easier since I got rid of exH!

Good luck OP.

In my opinion, forcing someone to be the sole breadwinner without their consent (excluding the obvious situations of illness, disability, etc) is a form of financial abuse.

Op, if you aren't content being financially dependant on your partner, then you need to find employment. Childcare is not a reason to not work: many parents use childcare in order to enable them to work. You could retrain to increase your earning potential as well.

part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

This jumped out at me at a big red flag. Obviously some serious distrust in this relationship.

For me, I wouldn't really mind if my husband wanted to spend 4k on his hobby. We both work but have only joint accounts and everything we earn is shared. We're both very easy going with money though and I'm thankful for that!