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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
lostlife · 30/04/2021 22:23

[quote Cocomarine]@lostlife it still makes a very big practical difference, to have £4K in your own bank account when a marriage goes tits up![/quote]
If you spend it then it has to go back into the pot when the settlement take place- as does all money held in other accounts.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/04/2021 22:23

So you need to work to buy food while he gets to piss £6k up the wall. Nice.

Well he is paying all the bills so why shouldn't the op also work?

You might as well say "so she gets to decide what you spend on, whilst earning nothing at all. Nice"
(Assuming no drip feed about several pre school children or disabilities precluding childcare etc)

RandomMess · 30/04/2021 22:24

You posted before and you were advised to leave because he is so financially abusive and has zero respect for you.

Ask for £6k - 2 for his teeth and 4 for his hobby and use them as rent up front and leave.

Pebbledashery · 30/04/2021 22:26

In the nicest possible way, he doesn't not sound like a husband that respects you.

Freecuthbert · 30/04/2021 22:26

Wait, so he goes to work while you look after the kids full time but expects that he doesn't contribute to food?

toocold54 · 30/04/2021 22:27

I think it depends on how much you both earn etc if you’re earning minimum wage then he can’t siege that amount but if your earning £50k plus then it wouldn’t be such a big problem. Regardless I think you need to discuss any big purchases.

I think you need to sit down and work out how much money you’ll both set aside for savings, bills etc and then have a set amount each month to do what you please with which isn’t being taken from the joint savings account.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 22:27

@rwalker

Why wouldn't you want to work and contrubute
I have contributed in many other ways than money.

I've never said I don't want to work. His job has always had to come first and has at times made it impossible for me to work as we have children and no family to help out. He's the sort to not want to be inconvenienced by any trivial job I get.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 30/04/2021 22:27

I don’t see anything wrong with you spending your inheritance on household expenses - it’s just as much family money as the £50K savings is.

However - the whole situation is utterly fucked up because you’ve had to beg for money in the past, and justify it. He’s your husband, not your dad. Fuck that shit.

Was he in agreement to you being a non working parent, for as long as you have been? Is there resentment there?

Even if there is, doesn’t justify him being an abusive arsehole. Do you actually want to be with him?

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 22:28

@Pinkandwhiteblossom

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?

My first thought. ^^

Dh wants a 10k one. I laughed at him, and suggested I might quite like a couple of 5k handbags.

He’s not buying the bike.

No not a bike
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 30/04/2021 22:28

Very strange replies. Why can't he decide to spend some of your £50k savings, when he's happy for you to do the same?
The drip feed that he won't give you enough money for food is ridiculous. Why not put that in the original question if it was the case?

BungleandGeorge · 30/04/2021 22:29

How old are your children?

JellyBabiesFan · 30/04/2021 22:29

You only live once FFS and you cannot take it with you. You have £50k in savings so why not spend £4k each.

Jumpers268 · 30/04/2021 22:30

Bill him for the childcare and cleaning you do and then say "oh well this is my money, not ours". Dick.

Fuckitfuckit · 30/04/2021 22:30

£6000 of the savings you require for a start.

That £2k for his teeth wasn't exactly an essential item was it? Not directly on par with a pair of knickers from m&S

And from the point he said that you didn't earn the money, I'd be charging him for every single thing you do.

Time taking care of the children whilst he works? 50% of what you'd pay a childminder.
Washing? Cleaning? Time at minimum wage.
Dinner? What would his meal cost in a restaurant?

At the end of the week I'd give the fucker an invoice.

There you go mate. I earned it. Deduct my 50%of mortgage and bills from that.

Then Swan off, and put that £6k in an account solely in your name. Every time he takes something for himself, make sure you do the same. If he chooses to be so miserly you should beat him at his own game

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 22:30

@Pebbledashery

In the nicest possible way, he doesn't not sound like a husband that respects you.
I am 100% certain he does not respect me.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 30/04/2021 22:31

@lostlife that’s not true. If you piss it up a wall deliberately in the run up to or post split, your ex’s solicitor can certainly propose that it be considered as still counted and taken from your share.

But if you’ve used the money for something like legal fees, or clothing or feeding your kids when your ex won’t give you any shopping money - then it’s money just spent for reasonable purposes, and no longer a marital asset.

Natsel84 · 30/04/2021 22:32

If he offered you 4k of " your savings " and you have 50k in savings... take 25k 👍

ememem84 · 30/04/2021 22:32

I’d be leaving.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/04/2021 22:32

£6000 of the savings you require for a start.

That £2k for his teeth wasn't exactly an essential item was it? Not directly on par with a pair of knickers from m&S

Sorry, what? He's spent money on dentistry and op needs to withdraw the same amount to make it fair?!
What sort of dreadful relationship do you have to make you think like this?

KatharinaRosalie · 30/04/2021 22:34

He agreed after that reluctantly to give me a third of the shopping expenses

Come again? You're a SAHM, where exactly is the rest of it supposed to come from?

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 22:34

@GreyhoundG1rl

Very strange replies. Why can't he decide to spend some of your £50k savings, when he's happy for you to do the same? The drip feed that he won't give you enough money for food is ridiculous. Why not put that in the original question if it was the case?
I didn't want to bring the fact that I'm being abused into it but it's out there now.
OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 30/04/2021 22:35

This is sounding like financial abuse. You are contributing financially.
I would be speaking to women’s aid and making plans to leave. Sorry op

Purplewithred · 30/04/2021 22:35

I think its time for you to get copies of all financial stuff relating to the marriage, and then separate.

Dacquoise · 30/04/2021 22:36

I would take the money offered and put it somewhere safe because if you do split the courts won't take any pre-settlement spending into account. You won't be recompensed for him frittering savings on himself.

What do you want to do? You won't be able to change his attitude towards you ie you are the lesser partner in the marriage and have no say in finances. Getting yourself better employment would give you some protection in the future but you still have the issue of a selfish husband.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/04/2021 22:37

I didn't want to bring the fact that I'm being abused into it but it's out there now.
I'm very sorry, op.

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