Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 30/04/2021 23:11

If your children are near Uni age, you are not a SAHM, you are a housewife. Was that a joint decision, for you to not go back to work when the children were older?

Horehound · 30/04/2021 23:11

Oh sorry I missed page two somehow.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:13

@Flowers500

I do not understand this thread at all. Why are you going on about his not-a-bike when you claim he’s massively abusing you? What are your priorities here...
I'm just trying to get through the day, hour by hour sometimes. I'm drained.
OP posts:
1starwars2 · 30/04/2021 23:13

Take the 4k OP, and put 2k each in savings accounts for kids.

ViciousJackdaw · 30/04/2021 23:15

@TheMotherlode

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?
That was my first thought too - it's always a bloody bike!
RandomMess · 30/04/2021 23:20

You leaving and being free of abuse is more important than student finance.

If the DC live with you they will get maximum loans. If you still live together then your H cannot be forced to give them the money anywhere.

If you live apart he could still choose to give them the money.

You are staying on some hope he will do the decent thing when there is nothing decent about him.

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2021 23:23

He’s an absolute Grade A arsehole, OP, as you well know.

Take the £4K. Put it in your DC’s names if you think he won’t help through uni etc. and you’re worried about divorce.

He needs to pay for more than a fucking third of groceries.

You need to get away.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 23:24

This is no way to live. Take the £4K and take photos of all accounts then see a solicitor. You'll feel so much better if you take action yourself than if you wait for him to act.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:27

@NoSquirrels

He’s an absolute Grade A arsehole, OP, as you well know.

Take the £4K. Put it in your DC’s names if you think he won’t help through uni etc. and you’re worried about divorce.

He needs to pay for more than a fucking third of groceries.

You need to get away.

Not much point putting money in their accounts if he has access to them.
OP posts:
Cowbells · 30/04/2021 23:28

Every time he does this, withdraw an equivalent amount and put it in a separate account of your own. Don't discuss it with him, as this needs no discussing,. if he starts on that "I earned it" argument, explain what it would cost to pay someone to clean the house, look after the children, cook, shop, launder etc. Explain very clearly that your unpaid work is worth a bloody fortune and if he can't see this, you will stop all of it until he pays you a living wage for it all. I despise people who are too stupid to value the work of the SAH parent.

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2021 23:32

Set up accounts for them that he doesn’t have access to?

CharlotteRose90 · 30/04/2021 23:32

Is it golf by any chance? I think if he’s spending that on himself then you should spend it on you .

m0therofdragons · 30/04/2021 23:33

How old are your dc?

Your posts sound like they could have been written by my best friend. Her Dh drives a high end car plus he has a sports car, she drives a 14yo people carrier, her Dh bought himself the best of everything, sent dc to private school while my best friend cut her own hair and started borrowing teenage son’s hoodies when she couldn’t afford clothes as she had no access to family finances. She left him in January 2020 and now has a house and her own income. She works too whereas previously she worked for her Dh one day a week (all he would allow as he needed her to be available and he’d also often work in Europe for a couple of weeks so she’d be home with the dc). Leave and get on with living.

LifeExperience · 30/04/2021 23:33

Open new accounts that he doesn't have access to.

You know what you need to do. You're abused, neglected, derided and beaten down by him. This man doesn't love you, and it sounds like he's not too fond of his children, either. He's selfish and quite possibly a narcissist as well as an abuser.

You know what you need to do, for your sake and the children's sake. But you're unwilling to do the right thing. Ask yourself why.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:38

@LifeExperience

Open new accounts that he doesn't have access to.

You know what you need to do. You're abused, neglected, derided and beaten down by him. This man doesn't love you, and it sounds like he's not too fond of his children, either. He's selfish and quite possibly a narcissist as well as an abuser.

You know what you need to do, for your sake and the children's sake. But you're unwilling to do the right thing. Ask yourself why.

It's not easy to suddenly change things after 25 years together. It's terrifying, maybe that doesn't make sense to you but this is all I know.
OP posts:
Joeblack066 · 30/04/2021 23:40

It did not affect me, as have be written been near that bracket, but when the Tory Govt means tested Child Benefit that were being utterly misogynistic. Eleanor Rathbone MP who lobbied for it originally saw that there could be big money going into a house but wives and children starving. That was why it was non means tested. The Tories took that away, affecting many women married to abusive high earning husband.
You need to get out OP. Please.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:43

@Joeblack066

It did not affect me, as have be written been near that bracket, but when the Tory Govt means tested Child Benefit that were being utterly misogynistic. Eleanor Rathbone MP who lobbied for it originally saw that there could be big money going into a house but wives and children starving. That was why it was non means tested. The Tories took that away, affecting many women married to abusive high earning husband. You need to get out OP. Please.
We get child benefit but because of DHs earnings we have to pay it all back.
OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 30/04/2021 23:45

When I first read about the £4k tbf I thought "so what". My DH went out and without consultation , quite a few years ago now bought himself a sports car. But, never quibbled over food shopping or any other expenses. I just gave him a bill at the end of the month.

Get rid of.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/04/2021 23:48

Not often I say LTB, but this time - yes.

Start getting ready to split, copies of as much of his financial info as you can, and get a court ordered settlement. I'm not sure whoever left you the inheritance would have wanted you to spend it on food to feed the DCs (and quite possibly him) because he's too tight arsed to pay.

Actually he's just an arse about everything. He expects you to facilitate his life, make it cushy, but he won't allow you to spend any of the money your input allows him to earn on even the essentials. Please find the courage to leave, contact Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse charity. They'll help you when it all feels too overwhelming and he's being a bastard and you haven't got any fight left. They are people who want to help you, use them.

PS And ignore the posters on here who are hard of understanding and comprehension and are telling you to get a job and why shouldn't he spend the money he's earned. Either they can't read or they can't think.

TulisaIsBrill · 30/04/2021 23:59

Decent gaming pc?

crimsonlake · 30/04/2021 23:59

Financial abuse and controlling.
His career has flourished because of you being a sahm mum. He thinks he is entitled to spend family money as he sees fit because basically he sees it as his own.
Offered you the same amount as he knows you wont take it. No access to the savings etc.
I would be thinking very seriously about the future going forward. Check out your NIS payments to see how many years you have accrued and start thinking of how you are going to support yourself if you end up divorced in the future.

converseandjeans · 01/05/2021 00:03

If the children are almost uni age you probably need to get a job tbh. If you did split then you would need to support yourself. Even with half the house and some savings you would need money for food & bills. He doesn't sound great but maybe he is fed up of being the sole earner.

ikeepseeingit · 01/05/2021 00:04

You just said he doesn't respect you. That's enough of a reason to leave and never look back. You can start a new (better) life. Get together all of the financial documents that you can, take the 4K, and put it in a separate account. Contact a solicitor, the 4K will help you with this, and a couple of months' rent/ expenses should it come to that.

Chloemol · 01/05/2021 00:06

Take the 4K, save it somewhere. Jet your job, pay groceries, save the rest in an account he does not know about

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2021 00:09

Take the 4k, call his bluff. Then use it to rent a house big enough for you and the kids and start the ball rolling for divorce. Now you have seen the accounts, can you get access to take copies or photos?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread