DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

There is a bigger chance of a break in relationships if one of you are not working,
In your case he holds the cards as he sees it as his money not the families.
Fortunately you had some money from an inheritance that gave you some power to make some choices .
You posted this before.
You have to think of a way to make it possible to updkill your self and return to the wok force.
there by you are les reliant on him.
You know your not happy in the marriage.
Do you think some sort of counselling might help.
I will never advice anyone to take more than
A few years off from work solely to bring up the children whist .the other half has the sole advantage of building a career.
There are some this works for but it’s not the common factor.
Even getting divorced requires quiet a bit of money.
It is a great emotional upheaval.
Make up your mind what do you want.
The idea of living apart I’m sure seems really good doesn’t it.
The dignity power of just being you.of earning your respect and feeling what you are which is powerful strong thoughtful and kind.
There is no price to feeling worthy.
He is abusive and this can’t be ignored.
What would truly make you content,What would you want your children to grow up and become.
You are more than worthy ,your choice to not have the best you can afford isn’t right.I feel slight anger that you inheritance has been spent in this manner for things that should have been in you families daily budget.Go onto the section for divorce and relationships .there are lots of support as well as experiences of people who were in worse situations .
It takes time to get to that place but just ask yourself what do you want for you and your children.All the best

I've hardly slept. It keeps going around in my head. Maybe I am being unreasonable. He earned it and can replace it within a couple of months. The niggle is how he's saying it, like he can do exactly what he wants and I'm not sure it won't happen again. Using the you can't take it with you argument which really is true but also can't realistically be lived by when you have responsibilities like kids and a house.

I'm not sure I'd want to stay with him, but I'd definitely consider presenting him with a backdated bill for childcare. He's not had to pay that out of 'his' money, so that has probably helped allow savings to build up. Maybe putting it on paper will help him see that.

@amblers

I've hardly slept. It keeps going around in my head. Maybe I am being unreasonable. He earned it and can replace it within a couple of months. The niggle is how he's saying it, like he can do exactly what he wants and I'm not sure it won't happen again. Using the you can't take it with you argument which really is true but also can't realistically be lived by when you have responsibilities like kids and a house.

This is a continuation of his abuse of you.

I understand why you felt you should leave the abuse out of the op, but I think it's made it difficult for you to get accurate replies. Lots of posters on here don't understand the dynamics of abuse at the best of times.

Abuse is not about "incidents", it is about a pattern of behaviour and this is part of that pattern.

The replies telling you that you're unreasonable are from people who aren't recognising that this forms part of a wider pattern of ongoing abuse.

If there weren't ongoing abuse then this might have been fine, but the fact is there is ongoing abuse and this is a continuation of it. That's why it's niggling at you. It's wrong.

I hope you have support about the abuse. What's going on isn't right and you deserve support to free yourself from it so you can live a better life.

Take the 4000, he offered it and put it in a running away fund.

Take the 4K and put it into a new account that he can’t access.

Phone Women’s Aid.

How old are the DC?

I’d advise using the 4K to move into a rental property whilst you divorce this cunt.

You need to see a lawyer and take some advice. There is no such thing as ‘his money’ in a marriage. You are using your inheritance and that is not ‘joint monies’, as it comes from a third party source, so stop using up your capital. Go and see someone and then decide what you want to do. Your JOINT assets are those built up during the marriage. This needs to be nipped in the bud, otherwise you will end up being very disadvantaged by his meanness and gigantic ego.

Get a job and some independence

I was going to suggest something similar, @Fuckitfuckit: invoice the selfish cunt for all the wages you'd have spent if you'd employed a nanny, a housekeeper, a cleaner, a gardener etc. Give him a lift to the station now and again? Invoice for what a taxi would have cost.

It seems to me that he'll only appreciate the value of wifework when he has to pay for it.

And using your inheritance for food shopping when he's spunking thousands on teeth and a hobby (I also think it's a bike) is . Spend it on something for yourself, and quick.

A divorce lawyer springs to mind.

Take the 4000 and use some to pay a solicitor - find out what the situation would be if you separated so you know what the future could be and it is not some impossible, scary thing you can't face.
Once you know the possibilities have a sensible discussion with him, no DCs around, about your future together. Buying a hobby item does not seem a deal breaker. He doesn't respect you but i don't think you have much respect for yourself, spending your inheritance money on food etc just seems silly when he is earning enough.
Have the conversation once you have things straight in your head.

It's not easy to suddenly change things after 25 years together. It's terrifying, maybe that doesn't make sense to you but this is all I know.

I get that, OP. But it can't be worse than the alternative, which is to live shackled to a man who seems to think only of himself while you do everything to support him in earning money that you scarcely get a whiff of.

Your children are nearly adults. Soon they will be at uni, and away from home. What will your life look like then? You need to start doing stuff to secure a decent future for yourself, where you have some autonomy and don't have decisions made for you because he holds the purse strings.

You need a job, or to train for a job, so that you have means independent of family money, or he needs to change his ways and start treating you as an equal partner in this marriage.

Change is always scarey, but it's better than having so little control over your life.

He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like.

On the face of it then before you started to drip feed other details then yes YABU.

You say you've been together 25 years so presumably the children are school age so really
No excuse as to why you haven't worked before. You could have used before/after school clubs like lots of people

I earn a lot more than my husband - I have more spending money to spend on hobbies etc - that's just life

@ivfgottwins , are you OP's husband in disguise?

Maybe I am being unreasonable. He earned it and can replace it within a couple of months

True but he is forcing you to get a job to pay for food. This inequality of where the money is spent is the biggest issue.

Dh works full time, I am a long term SAHM. I have equal access to money, we discuss any big purchases but day to day I have free rein to spend what I want, when I want. We have been married 20 years. Your Dh is financially abusive. I would take the £4k from him and use it to get out of this marriage. See a solicitor, find out what you are entitled to. Start from there.

@KarmaStar

Yanbu at all.he is being selfish.take the 4k and put it aside somewhere for your future.

This. And keep doing it. Whatever he spends on himself, put an equal amount into a bank account for yourself.

"He" earns it so "he" can spend it? Total twat!

Without you acting as housekeeper and childminder he wouldn't have been able to go to work. Have you thought of charging for your services?

You need to leave. I was in this position 5 years ago. My children were young but I wanted to work as we were living in poverty while he was living the high life. Every job I got he tried to sabotage it. So I ended up working nights so I could still be there for the kids. After three years of getting home from a 12 hour shift to find them still in bed or not dressed for school and the house a tip and him waking me up on his day off after I’d had one hours sleep (he did this a lot) to tell me something needed doing or he was bored and wanted sex. I flipped and kicked him out. We weren’t married so I had nothing but now live in a little council flat work full time term time and have some spending money. Life is so much better not saying it isn’t tough but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So as I said ltb there is a better life out there and you will wonder why you put up with the shit for so long.

@Footle

Ha not at all just a woman who earns 3x more than her DH who doesn't think that means I should supplement his spending money to make it "equal" - I worked bloody hard for my career in a challenging and demanding job.....he didn't. He works and contributes equally to the bills (except the whacking great childcare one) but he doesn't have the same "hobby" money - that's life. 🤷‍♀️

My point is that he's said for her to take £4K to make it "fair" - the "abuse" she has alluded to aside - what more does the OP want? She's been happy for him to be financially responsible for the whole family for 25 years so if he thinks that they can afford £8k out of the savings then surely he's the one best placed to say so?

Your situation sounds horrendous. He clearly has you in a position where he's made it very difficult to work and yet you are then berated for "not contributing" (btw this is a pattern I have heard of quite a lot with abusive men...) It really is not as simple as just "go and get a job".

Personally (provided it's safe to) what I would do is one weekend when he's not working tell him that they're his children too and you are going to go out for the whole weekend. Stay at a friend's or save for a little b&b. Make sure you haven't already got all the shopping in etc so you haven't done the prep work for him. He'll have to buy the groceries with "his" money and do the childcare that he is so accustomed to taking for granted. Then when you get back you can point out that when you get a job you'll be sharing the childcare (or costs of childcare) and other household jobs.

Long term, I think you'd better prepare to leave him.

Unfortunately he’s robbed you blind for many years, take £25k out of the account and place it in a sole account with your name

Half that money is legally yours

If he wants to eat at home he needs to be paying more than a third for the fucking shopping, and if he’s not cooking then produce a flipping bill for your time cooking and washing up

His money was earned on the back of you working for free at home

Whether you leave or not, it’s your choice and in his words life to short

If you are talking uni costs then it sounds like the children aren’t small and he sees no reason for you not to work and contribute financially.

If the relationship isn’t working then leave.

On just the note of him spending from savings, he’s earned it and had far less free time so I’d have no issue with him spending it,

My other half just spent a bit more than that on his hobby. I encouraged him. You only live once so the things that make you happy. However he consulted me, we talked about it, he is more than happy if we spend some on something I want. We both work but he earns much more.
I think the money is a red herring. It’s the lack of respect and financial/emotional abuse. Do you want to be in this relationship?

Whatever else is going on, he's financially abusing you. There's a better life out there you know. Look into your options. That £4k could help you set yourself up in a flat well away from him. If all the money is in a joint account, id be very concerned he might take it all. If you do get to the point of leaving, take exactly half out and put it into an account he can't touch.

@GreyhoundG1rl

£6000 of the savings you require for a start.

That £2k for his teeth wasn't exactly an essential item was it? Not directly on par with a pair of knickers from m&S

Sorry, what? He's spent money on dentistry and op needs to withdraw the same amount to make it fair?!
What sort of dreadful relationship do you have to make you think like this?

Petty. I think he is entitled to a life outside of work and family. Get a part time job and make a budget and plan out the expenses with both your incomes. It is a much more expensive world and we all deserve to play our part. He uses income to use towards you and you use his outside interests to him. We all have choices. this is why I no longer visit a family member for this mentality.

Does he know how you feel about the imbalance in your relationship?
Personally, my DH is a cyclist and has just ordered himself a new road-bike. I share in his excitement and am really pleased that he has gone for it - he's gone mid-range though, not crazy professional level. He didn't ask me first, but I knew he'd been thinking about it for a while.
But then he doesn't treat me as OP's DH seems to treat her. Does he actually know how you feel? I don't think spending a chunk on something is wrong, if you can afford it. He is offering op the same amount for herself?

His money was earned on the back of you working for free at home

Not really. I earn my salary because I do the job. DH doesn’t earn it for me. The DH could easily have paid for childcare given he can replace the savings so quickly and one child who isn’t pre school doesn’t cost that much in childcare.