DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

Id be transferring 50% of that money out and then divorcing. That's financial abuse right there OP.

Get to couples counselling. This money thing is you guys getting ‘stuck in the weeds’. Of course he’s in the wrong on this. But he’s never going to hear it from your lips.

Whatever is taken out of that account won't be declarable in a divorce unless the financial paperwork is handed in within 12 months. It's only the previous 12 months you put in the form.

If I were you I'd take out the £4,000 in cash. And deposit it with a parent or trusted friend. They don't have to know, put it in a locked box and mark for safekeeping.

The £4,000 is then untraceable,no paper trail. I would be matching his spending with cash withdrawals. You'll need this to pay solicitors if it all goes wrong. You can only use £250 a time to pay a bill, the remainder must be on a bank card.

Don't let him walk away with your joint assets in the form of teeth and spending on a hobby.

It helps to remember you are doing this to provide your children with a future. It's your share of joint money. Do it for them, don't get drawn into not feeling worthy of taking your share. It's how he wants you to feel.

Do a bit of online research for each of the jobs you do in the home, then make up a weekly bill, charging him for each hour of cooking, cleaning and childcare. And "personal" services, if you are so inclined. Be prepared to prove that you are charging the "going rate" for these jobs (and pick the average, neither the high nor the low end). Tell him that is your contribution to the savings, and that you earned it, just as he earns his. IF he is so idiotic as to tell you, "But that's your job!" respond with, "Yes. Exactly."

I don't know what your issue is. You haven't earned any of this money. He has spent money on himself and has also offered you £4k to spend.

Why wont you answer what age your children are? This is extremely relevant

OP you have worked. You have taken d CDs are of all the children’s needs. Saved on childcare and given them their mother as a full time primary carer. Assuming you have done a good job as a mother so far, that is worth every penny he has earned since you gave up work. Do not for one second doubt that you have contributed - ignore any here who say you haven’t.
Did you agree on you giving up work to look after children when you were first pregnant? What was decided then?

@Viviennemary

I don't know what your issue is. You haven't earned any of this money. He has spent money on himself and has also offered you £4k to spend.

Don’t be obtuse.

You don’t need to pay back the child benefit by the way, you can keep it and your DH would just have to pay tax on it. But I assume he wouldn’t do that.

@rwalker

Why wouldn't you want to work and contrubute

Jesus

Because, you know, raising the kids, cleaning the house isn't contributing

@Viviennemary

I don't know what your issue is. You haven't earned any of this money. He has spent money on himself and has also offered you £4k to spend.

Are you usually this nasty? Can you really not see what is going on here?

Do a bit of online research for each of the jobs you do in the home, then make up a weekly bill, charging him for each hour of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Yeah and then half it because the cooking, cleaning, and childcare isn't done solely for the working parent (as much as MN always tries to claim it is).

Childcare aside (because it sounds like OPs kids are past the childcare stage, they've been married 25 years and she's talking about uni), half an hour of housework and half an hour of cooking a day, divided by 2, is what.... £10 a day? And that's being pretty generous with a £20ph wage.

I think the OP (and any other person who lives and dies by this warped logic) would be far better just going out and earning a wage.

But yes, also leave the bastard because it sounds like the pair of you have no respect for each other.

Take the 4K and go see a lawyer so you can divorce him.

@violetbunny

Take the 4K and go see a lawyer so you can divorce him.

This is what should happen.

I'm not the type to search usernames so I don't know what else the OP has posted about the abuse, but just going on the information she posted on this thread:

Yes, I think YABU. It sounds like your husband is a high earner and you have plenty of savings, so the £4k hobby item isn't completely unreasonable. I don't think it's reasonable to say he can't spend his earnings because you want to preserve savings so you don't have to work.

Good advice on here op. Withdraw the same amount as he does and put it with adjusted friend or relative.
Why do people think it's fine for someone to be treated like this. With £50,000 in savings it's far better for children to have one SAHP rather than be shipped off to chilldcare.
Your dh does not respect you or his children. Start planning ahead, withdraw the money and think about your future and your children's future.

You need to get a job to cover weekly shopping, but he spends thousands on a hobby? He has seen you coming. Id be telling him the 'hobby' money can go on the weekly shopping. If he doesn't like it, he can lump it.

Can people write but not read? The OP can’t get a job because of her husband! He doesn’t want her to work but also doesn’t want her to have any money. You really should leave him.

@Viviennemary

I don't know what your issue is. You haven't earned any of this money. He has spent money on himself and has also offered you £4k to spend.

FFS. She stayed at home and raised his children and took care of his home to facilitate his career and high earnings, and she has to beg for food shopping? Her contribution must be valued also.

I swear to God, the obliviousness to financial abuse and internalised misogyny on this site is getting worse lately. It's so depressing.

How old are the children? Perhaps he is nolonger happy being the solo earner. What were your long term plans when you became a sahm?

Your current financial set up with you paying for family things out of savings isn’t ideal, especially from your own personal savings. How did that start? Which money were you using before?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to spend money on a hobby if you have it saved up.

However I think it’s utterly unreasonable for him to do this whilst treating you the way he is.

Incidentally if £4000 is 2 months wages he’s not earning enough to be paying back child benefit.

Second I have explained how difficult my DH has made it to actually get a job that doesn't affect him in someway, ie he has never had to worry about childcare or having to cook, shop etc and has been free from the ties of family life.

Sorry, I don’t buy this at all.
We were in the same position for several years but in reverse. My job meant there was no way to leave at a specific time and I would often have to work a double shift and then some, not even worth going home before my next shift started. We had kids (some with SN), and no family or anyone who could assist. This meant DH couldn’t get a job where he relied on me being home to look after the kids and obviously couldn’t leave them alone. So I had to have 2 days ‘off’ from work which is fine as most people ‘only’ work 5 days a week anyway. He then went out to work on those 2 days (yes, you can find 2 day/week jobs, never great $$ but it’s the point of having a job not what that job is). I looked after the kids those 2 days. There were some days where I genuinely had to work then for whatever reason but instead of him not being able to do his 2 days we got a service in to cover (not cheap, esp with SN kids). This meant he would be working that day or 2 days for nothing or a loss but it wasn’t all the time so overall we still came out ahead and it was the point of the matter that both people brought $$ in, no matter how crappy the amount. We didn’t pay for cleaners etc, we also had household chores. Yes, years of drudge and no break whatsoever, but that’s life.

When you look at these things there are always options and a way if you want it.

Hi OP, I think the best suggestion is to take the 4k, rent somewhere to live and walk away. Pick your dignity off the floor. You can be strong and independent!

@winched

Do a bit of online research for each of the jobs you do in the home, then make up a weekly bill, charging him for each hour of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Yeah and then half it because the cooking, cleaning, and childcare isn't done solely for the working parent (as much as MN always tries to claim it is).

Childcare aside (because it sounds like OPs kids are past the childcare stage, they've been married 25 years and she's talking about uni), half an hour of housework and half an hour of cooking a day, divided by 2, is what.... £10 a day? And that's being pretty generous with a £20ph wage.

I think the OP (and any other person who lives and dies by this warped logic) would be far better just going out and earning a wage.

But yes, also leave the bastard because it sounds like the pair of you have no respect for each other.

You're absolutely right. However, cleaners generally have a minimum, here it is usually four hours. Childcare often does, except for drop-in care, which is more expensive per hour. And yes, if the kids are grown, then absolutely she should go back to the year that the eldest was born, and present a bill for the total amount. Thanks, I hadn't thought of that.

And forget "it isn't done solely for the WP." Had OP not had children, there is an excellent chance that she would have been working outside the home.