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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 30/04/2021 22:37

Why does he give you a third of the shopping? How many children do you have and are they his kids?

He sounds seriously abusive

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 30/04/2021 22:40

OP he is a nasty, controlling swine who wants to earn the money, spend the money and not have any of it spent on his kids or wife without his arm twisted behind his back (I.e your inheritance is low) and then he proposes you get a job?

Fuck him.

I really really hope you're married. Because if you are, you need to leave him and finally support yourself on the money from the divorce that you never got in your marriage, to support you and your children.

If you aren't married then leave, you will be better off a single mum and working then you even will be with that man.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 30/04/2021 22:41

FWIW there's never anything wrong wrong with discussing the SAHP getting a job.

But in this particular case the mans an arsehole

UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 22:42

This sounds like a man laying the groundwork to end the marriage.

Iwonder08 · 30/04/2021 22:42

Abused how? Physically-talk to police and women's aid.. Financially-my personal view is go and get a job.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 30/04/2021 22:44

@Iwonder08

Abused how? Physically-talk to police and women's aid.. Financially-my personal view is go and get a job.
HOW?!

Have you read the OP's posts?

You are kidding me aren't you? Hmm

Flowers500 · 30/04/2021 22:44

I am so confused by this... so is the problem the 4K on a hobby, or is it some huge backstory that makes your whole post irrelevant and a waste of time? The 4K on a hobby isn’t horrendous considering your joint savings.

However you also seem to actively hate each other? Which makes dentistry irrelevant to the discussion.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/04/2021 22:44

@TheMotherlode

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?
I was about to say that. It's always a bike when they want to spend this sort of money. Do they think a better bike will get them into the Tour de France or something?
Regularsizedrudy · 30/04/2021 22:46

Have you posted before? This sounds familiar. He is financially abusing you. 50k in the bank and you have to beg for food shopping money? Disgusting.

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 22:47

@Iwonder08

Abused how? Physically-talk to police and women's aid.. Financially-my personal view is go and get a job.
I'd rather not go into details on here.
OP posts:
Salome61 · 30/04/2021 22:50

My friend's husband was like this, she hardly had enough to buy food and he bought a motorbike. I'll never forget her walking in the winter in those flat ballet shoes, she only had those and her slippers.

You do need to sit down and discuss your finances as a partnership.

Hellocatshome · 30/04/2021 22:51

Take the 4k, take it out in cash and give it to a trusted friend to look after. Then get copies of everything you can and leave him.

Horehound · 30/04/2021 22:54

If you have lived by begging money off him I don't understand why you aren't working?

rattlemehearties · 30/04/2021 22:54

The op has clearly stated she has recently got a job! That is not the problem here.

waitingforthenextseason · 30/04/2021 22:55

Take £2k for your own teeth, £4k for your own 'hobby', and half of the rest of the savings and put it somewhere in your own name.

Note he's forced you to spend your inheritance on the family.

contact Women's Aid and make a plan to leave.

CoconutChair · 30/04/2021 22:57

You need to work and earn a living, then split any costs between the two of you. I’ve lost count of the number of friends who’ve made themselves unemployable (or suited only to minimum wage unskilled jobs) by spending many years past age 5 being SAHMs. I did a few years as a SAHM myself (funded by bonuses I’d saved for the 15 years before having kids) and I know it’s a hard grind and often over-looked as actual work, which is unfair. But the fact is that your DH doesn’t value the role you play at home. He clearly sees his earnings as his money and that’s a dangerous path for you.

Indiangirl0000 · 30/04/2021 22:59

@Iwonder08

Abused how? Physically-talk to police and women's aid.. Financially-my personal view is go and get a job.
@iwonder80 stop acting like an tit. How is this comment helping OP?
Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:03

It's not a bike. I'm not sure it's relevant really but I feel the cost is. It's a hobby. The one we have cost £800 and that felt extravagant. Just my opinion but to upgrade that much is overkill. It's like having a bike actually, first you buy a balance bike, then a mountain bike but then because you can now ride a bike without falling off and are more confident you absolutely need a expert level Olympic grade bike, if that makes sense? It feels like he doesn't see us as a joint us in anything.

All those saying take my share etc put it safe, thanks but I know in the event of a split you have to declare everything so it wouldn't help. We have 2 children who will need help financially for uni etc, he knows all this but suddenly his tune has changed. It's approximately 2 months wages. I fear this will just be the beginning. If we split there will be solicitor fees and costs of selling the house, that won't be cheap.

OP posts:
Hazel444 · 30/04/2021 23:03

@TheMotherlode

It’s a bloody bike isn’t it?
Ha! That was my first thought too.

OP are your p/t wages more or less than £4K? I still you financing this new purchase why he wanted you to go back to work?

Tistheseason17 · 30/04/2021 23:05
Flowers
AntiSocialDistancer · 30/04/2021 23:07

I'm so sorry.

Literally take the money and run Flowers

MuchTooTired · 30/04/2021 23:08

I’d take the 6k, spend it on anything that’ll hold some form of value then once I could I’d leave the abusive bastard. Once we’d split, I’d sell it to release the cash, probably for essentials.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Flowers500 · 30/04/2021 23:09

I do not understand this thread at all. Why are you going on about his not-a-bike when you claim he’s massively abusing you? What are your priorities here...

Original poster
amblers · 30/04/2021 23:10

@Horehound

If you have lived by begging money off him I don't understand why you aren't working?
Firstly I shouldn't have to beg for money to buy things for our children or food for the family.

Second I have explained how difficult my DH has made it to actually get a job that doesn't affect him in someway, ie he has never had to worry about childcare or having to cook, shop etc and has been free from the ties of family life.

OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 30/04/2021 23:11

I wouldn’t be staying at home with this bloke. It’s leaving you a bit financially vulnerable.

We both work and I’d still be pissed off if DH wanted to spend £4000 on a hobby.

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