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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

244 replies

whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:09

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Chihuahuacat · 29/04/2021 21:10

It’s not really any of her business. Are her comments coming from a place of genuine concern or does not want to pay board?

What do you want to do? Do you like the job other than the back pain?

Sosigsandwich · 29/04/2021 21:11

Surely the 2 things are completely separate. If course your children should be contributing financially to the household if they're working adults. Also if you can survive financially on just your husband's wage and he is happy to support you then why would you not give up work when you're in so much pain? You can't expect your children to support you though.

rainbowthoughts · 29/04/2021 21:11

Who is BU?

She is. Regardless of whether you are BU to leave your job, she is BU to think it's any of her business. It doesn't matter if it's the right choice, it's your choice.

Hankunamatata · 29/04/2021 21:15

Have you chatted about the basis of her concerns?

Original poster
whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:16

@Chihuahuacat

It’s not really any of her business. Are her comments coming from a place of genuine concern or does not want to pay board?

What do you want to do? Do you like the job other than the back pain?

I think she thinks I wouldn't have considered quitting my job if I wasn't going to get the contributions from my children. Her POV is that my children will be moving out in the next couple of years so I shouldn't rely on them, but I am not relying on them. I don't need their contributions but I would like them to pay £250 each
OP posts:
Original poster
whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:17

She also thinks what if my husband was to be made redundant?

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 29/04/2021 21:17

I can’t see how it’s anything to do with her.
You are her mother, she cannot feel your pain.

Iamanaubergine · 29/04/2021 21:19

Have you had a workstation assessment to see if there’s anything that could be changed to make your back less painful?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 29/04/2021 21:19

She doesnt get to have a say in this

Butchyrestingface · 29/04/2021 21:21

I kind of think she's right to be concerned (possibly lone voice in the wilderness here). Whether she's coming from a genuine place of concern or only because she doesn't want to pay to pay board, you are best placed to be the judge of that.

If I didn't need their contributions, I'd be inclined to save it in a fund for them. But that's obv down to choice.

romdowa · 29/04/2021 21:21

Not really her business and you should tell her that even if you were working every hour god sends , she would still have to pay up.

OverTheRubicon · 29/04/2021 21:24

@whobubu

She also thinks what if my husband was to be made redundant?
I do think that's a real risk, in your 50s, similarly it's not uncommon to suddenly develop illnesses that mean working is impossible.

If this happens to him do you have insurances in place? A ton of savings? Would you easily be able to go back? What have you done to address the pain? It does seem odd that full days in the office were fine but a few hours from home is impossible, your work should be supporting a proper assessment and support as part of health and safety.

Agree though that you should separate this from whether she pays, and it's not her business.

Pinkpaisley · 29/04/2021 21:25

This is between you and your husband.

I do think a job that lets you work a few hours a day from home is one you should be extremely reluctant to let go. They are not easy to find and you never know what will happen in life.

maddening · 29/04/2021 21:25

Are you looking at how you can work on your medical issues? Are you seeing a Dr about your back? Have you looked at physio? Eg if your dh was unable to work in the future it is worth addressing your physical issues if you can.

PinkCookie11 · 29/04/2021 21:31

Between you and DH really, kids don’t get a say

doitwithlove · 29/04/2021 21:34

If she is not happy paying you £250. tell her to look for a place of her own. See how she reacts to that!

Original poster
whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:35

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years

OP posts:
PenfoldPenny · 29/04/2021 21:35

Two separate issues - whether or not you quit your job (which is ultimately your decision, none of your daughters beeswax really)
And whether or not they pay board - which yes they should. Regardless of whether you are working

Original poster
whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:36

Honestly I don't think she minds paying the £250 (although is probably slightly annoyed as she is saving to move out and that will amount to a few K a year)

OP posts:
HowManyToes · 29/04/2021 21:40

Ask her outright if she wants you to continue working in pain so that she can live rent free?

She doesn’t get a say.

seadreams · 29/04/2021 21:41

I agree that they’re two totally separate points.

Point 1, it’s absolutely none of her business what you do.

Point 2, they should be paying anyway. If they’re working full time they should contribute, even if it’s only a nominal amount; 250 seems extremely fair. And this is coming from someone who’s roughly her age!

HerRoyalNotness · 29/04/2021 21:41

Do you have a proper office chair at home? My H worked at home for a year and used a desk chair i bought that I used only a couple of hours here and there. He was too tight or lazy to buy a proper chair (pick one) and has terrible back pain.

Elsiebear90 · 29/04/2021 21:41

I would have said she was unreasonable however my mum quit work when she was 50 for health reasons (but probably could have continued with adjustments) because my dad earned a good wage and we were paying board. However, 7 years later my dad got made redundant and at 59 is finding it very hard to get another job. She has been out of work for 7 years and is finding it virtually impossible to even get an interview now as a result. It is very risky being so reliant on another person and only one wage.

OverTheRubicon · 29/04/2021 21:48

@whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years
Honestly, this is scary thinking.

As a 50 year old woman in work your life expectancy is likely 80+ and could well be 90+ if you are non-smoker without other complications like diabetes or high familial risk of other diseases. That's 30 or more years.

You won't get state pension for at least another 15 of those years (could be more, the way things are changing), and it's currently £179.50 a week and less if you have often been a sahp or working part time.

Honestly, if you haven't got good savings or other assets, or at least very comprehensive insurances for your husband as sole provider, you'd be mad to give up a job that can be done from home a few hours a day without having tried everything to address the back issue.

Billandben444 · 29/04/2021 21:48

Your state pension is about 15 years away if you're early 50s.