To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

[whobubu]

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

Is she expecting to continue to live at home for free after she’s earning?

If so, she’s being VVU.

I assume you mean £250 a month, which is peanuts to what she’d have to pay in any flatshare with food and bills on top.

If for whatever reason you’re finding the job too much, that’s entirely your decision.
If you don’t actually need the money, you could always save it, or part of it, for your dcs, to go towards a deposit later.

the problem with my mother giving up her job was that she relied too much on my keep money. When I wanted to go into full time training to qualify for my job she thought I should continue to give her the same amount of money as before, which was clearly impossible on a student grant. Instead I had to qualify by part time study which took a lot longer. I always resented my parents for holding me back. As soon as I was qualified I left home, which more or less forced my mother to go pack to work

At 16 my sister got pregnant which was a big deal back in the 1960s. No one had planned for that! That left a huge hole in the family finances with me gone. In the end my sister was forced to stay at home to care for her baby and my mother had to go back to work full time to make ends meet. She was not happy about that and even asked if I could continue contributing to the family budget after I had left home.

You can imagine what the answer was!

So you never know what is going to happen.

Tbh retiring at 51 is pretty unusual. What about your dh? Does he get to retire too? What happens if he gets sick and cant work 5 years down the line?

Is she expecting to continue to live at home for free after she’s earning?
If so, she’s being VVU.

OP has said she isn't.

The issue of her payments really isn't relevant, except insofar as OP may have decided to give up work in the expectation that lost income from her job will be made up by income from the children.

You have two issues here. Your adult children should contribute to family finances. You are wanting to stop working due to persistent back pain. You say that you cannot work but are okay sitting in bed..please get out of bed and get advice from a physio. Also get some financial advice. I am 60 - about to start working part-time and that worries me in case something happens that means either me or my DH have to give up work. You have years to go until the state pension.

I think that it’s fine to be looking to give up work, but not yet.
First month you get £500 from your two kids spend it on private physio for your back and a really good standing desk.
For the few years save save save and do not give up work until you’ve done everything you can fit your back AND saved a lump sum cushion AND got closer to pension age. You need enough money to see you through even if your dh were to lose his job.

If you don’t need the money and she is saving to move out, why don’t you keep the pot aside and give it to her back at a later date. That way it’s nothing to do with what she is or isn’t paying.

Re the job it’s completely up to you what you do, plenty of people give up work when financially comfortable. I’d be more concerned about what I’d do all day and also that I’d go a bit downhill illness wise with nothing to occupy me.

They should pay board no matter what you decide to do. Could you drop to part time hours?

Don't bank on your childrens boarding money for more than a couple of years. They'll soon move out, leaving you with just your husbands wage. I have a bad back. The worst thing you can do is lie down in bed alot, stand still for long periods. The best thing is physio and moving around e.g. walking.

My hubby has a bad back. He got a standing desk. So much better for him

I think she is right for lits of different reasons however she has no clue at all about work and back pain.

Yes a standing desk is a great idea. Would work be paying for it though? Would they even accept you bring your own?
I don’t think she realises that actually options ca;be quite limited as what arrangement work will do, especially if you are PT.
If your back pain is affecting your quality of life outside work, limiting what you can do at weekends etc... then fair enough to actually think about stopping. Or doing something else.

The issue I have is the fact she seems to think your back pain is somehow ‘fixable’. You just haven’t found the right way to go in about it.
And that stopping work isn’t a possibility unless you are in your death bed/completely unable to do anything.
Neither of those positions are healthy imo.

The issues are separate and you are very young to give up an income source.

What type of back problems do you have and are you employed or contract? If the former do they have an occupational health scheme which you can access?

The kind of aids/schedule which will help you will depend on the nature of the problem - it may be as simple as ten mins each hour walking away from your desk or it may need more complex treatment or a pain clinic (likely to need to be private). However don't give up work entirely unless you really have no option.

I think you need to completely separate the two issues. I also don't think you should give up your job immediately without at least taking six months to check all your assumptions. 1/ I'm a year older than you and the earliest I will get my state pension will be 67 and probably later (and I'm expecting paying for covid to have many many implications for all state provision over the coming decades). You need to be absolutely clear when you will get it. 2/ you need to be clear what you will get. Have you paid enough NI contributions for a full pension? If you haven't, I would suggest topping that up before you leave work. 3/ depending on one person's income sounds very risky. What happens if your dh dies /is made redundant /is unable to continue to work because of his health? I'm not asking this to be nasty, but because you have to cost the what-ifs before you do anything drastic. 4/ you need to try to optimise your work set up to see if that helps. I had to try four different office chairs before I found the one that was comfortable for me and my back. Moving desks and varying position every 20 minutes can really help. 5/ you need to maximise your physical condition too. See a good physio. Go to pilates or yoga and make sure your core is as strong as it can be so that the muscles help support your back. Get yourself as fit as possible in other ways too - it all helps. Even if you do retire you must stay active - doing nothing is really bad for your back 6/you then also need to check the position with all other pensions you have along with savings and life insurance. 7/while you're doing all this, you should only use your dh's money for living expenses so that you're not relying on rent from your children without realising. (paying off your ni stamp /investing in ohysii/pilates /office chair etc can come from your income). Finally and most importantly you need a proper conversation with your dh. Your op is full of your views and youdd's views but nothing about him. Surely this will have by far the greatest impact on him, and therefore his views are as important as yours.

When I initially read your OP I thought is it because she didn't want to pay the 250 a month but on reading your updates, it appears she is genuinely concerned that you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

If it was the other way round, and she was thinking of quitting her job and only relying on her partner I am sure you would let her know your concerns. You say she is an adult - just because you are her mum doesn't mean she is not able to voice an opinion and concerns. I don't think she is unreasonable to have the worries she does, they are perfectly valid. She has obviously given it a lot of thought. It also doesn't sound like she is hoping to stay with you indefinitely, as she said her and her sibling will be moving out.

A lot to think about OP. You can of course tell her to butt out and tell her it doesn't concern her. But like I said, I don't think it's coming from a bad place.

It's non of her bloody business.
I work and now Dh is at home as he got very ill. All better now really, but I don't want him to relapse so he gets to putter about and cook my dinner. If my grown kids started commenting on him not working they'd get short shrift from me.

It’s not really her business however reading your updates I can understand her concern. Do you not have a private pension?

If I was about to have £500 extra a month for 2 years I would hold out at my job, and once I do have the extra money get a good chiropractor and/or osteopath, maybe an OT as well, and get an ergonomic set up at home. I wouldn't want to make myself more financially vulnerable in the current climate, as a redundancy for your husband may be a very real possibility and it would be harder to get new jobs. Unless you have considerable savings I would not consider this. Also I would always want financial independence in a relationship, as would a lot of women in case of divorce/relationship breakdown. You never know what's around the corner.

If your health is bad could you take some Leave to deal with these issues? Sounds like you might have burnout as well as back issues and there is no shame in taking some time off if you need to to get your physical and mental health back on track.

Whilst your kids do not get to make this decision for you, they are right you could have a lot of life to live including a lot of possible working years, so IMO this is worth seriously considering.

I hope you come to an answer that works for you and that you find a solution for your back pain

There are a number of things here

As others have said you wont get your state pension for years. You might not have contribtued enough.

You see this all the time with women assuming their DH will support them, doing part time work (or not working at all), getting the state pension age all wrong etc and when perhaps the marriage breaks down as 50% of them do they wring their hands.

Women absolutely need to own their own future. Take responsibility for their own decisions and ensure that they know what they will get or not get

OTOH - the daughter definitely needs to contribute. Some of my friends grown up kids are still there in the mid 20's having the time of their lives paying £250 (that seems to be a magic number to the young people and in their eyes includes 100% everything, food, packed lunches, takeways. A couple have even moved their girlfriends in.

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

It's non of her bloody business. I work and now Dh is at home as he got very ill. All better now really, but I don't want him to relapse so he gets to putter about and cook my dinner. If my grown kids started commenting on him not working they'd get short shrift from me.

The Ops daughter isn't solely commenting on the OP not working. She's asking important questions.

Such as looking at reasonable adjustments (like a standing desk), Ops pension

What would happen if her DH became ill or was made redundant.

What will happen the daughter or sibling move out, and Op no longer gets the £500 a month from them.

Basically OPs daughter is asking all the questions the OP should be considering. But instead it seems the OP is relying on a state pension which is over a decade away, or thinks she will die early enough for these issues to not be a problem.

I also think the daughter is asking valid questions. Although clearly the op doesn’t like them. I’m also not sure I quite believe she’s not quitting and using the kids money as a crutch to get them through it financially.

The back issue is not new, and there are many options to explore. It’s a huge co incidence that the children are not even started in their careers, they are just about to and the op is asking them for the money and thinking of quitting work. Paying board is fine, but it does seem time wise her desire to resign at the same time as they start paying is linked.as the daughter thinks it is.

Back pain is very common as we age but it can be debilitating. I left work because of it when I was 45. I knew of the risks and did everything I could to find out the problem and fix it, starting with x-rays and MRI, then (in no particular order) loads of PT, various types of chiropractic and osteopathic manipulations, muscle injections, x-ray guided steroid injections into my spine, nerve ablation, external electrical stimulation (TENS), yoga, Pilates, massage, Alexander technique, not to mention trying a wide variety of painkillers, muscle relaxants, anti-inflammatories, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, CBD and others. I ended up having surgery to remove three discs end implant titanium plates and screws to help fuse the vertebrae.

None of it did very much and I felt the pain affecting my job performance as time went on. I dropped to four full days a week, then four shorter days, then three full days. I couldn’t do less than that due to the nature of my job.

Quitting has been a mixed bag. I have more time to exercise and go to the chiropractor so that helps but I am also more aware of my pain. My DH still works as do most of my friends and it’s been a bit lonely and hard to motivate to stay active. Pre-covid my consultant recommended an implanted spinal cord stimulator and I’m hoping to do that soon.

Also, I am financially secure with a good private pension and various investments snd savings. My DH is a fairly high earner and we carry plenty of life and disability insurance. If I didn’t have all of this I would probably have tried harder to find another type of employment that I could still do.

I can’t imagine leaving a good flexible job before exhausting all treatment options first.

@Regularsizedrudy

It’s not really her business however reading your updates I can understand her concern. Do you not have a private pension?

I have a tiny pension pot

@whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years

What “a few years” - do you know?

Honestly, I’d say your DD sounds more clued up about money than you do. Early 50s is early to retire, you could live a long time and without hefty private pension savings you might end up being quite badly off. In addition you’re asking for money off the children to coincide with you giving up your wage - even if you don’t mean it to look like they’re subsidising you it appears that way. She’s probably worried for the future- will she end up bailing you out? Is your husband her father - if not that might mean she’s worried (irrationally or not) about you relying solely on him.

Agree it’s reasonable that once children are earning they should contribute to living expenses.

@whobubu Your current job v retirement are not your only options! Could you look for another job? Or if you like your job but back pain is the only issue could you speak to your employer about options?

I think your daughter has some wise counsel ( you should be pleased she’s sensible so young!) re your pension pot and future. State pension won’t be until 67 so a long time away for you. You can check in the Gov website if you have accumulated enough stamps to qualify for full pension (even then it’s not a huge amount).In the meantime what about unexpected costs,any savings you have could soon disappear on those? The boiler goes, running cars, holidays, divorce? Without your income each month you could soon become unexpectedly financially stretched.

How much is enough savings wise? It's a decent number. 6 figures