To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

[whobubu]

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

Tell her to wind her neck in, she sounds awful.

[quote Dyrne]@SeaTurtles92 RTFT. Hardly anyone is saying the daughter shouldn’t pay her way, most people are pointing out the OP is making a knee jerk decision to quit her job without actually checking the finances make sense.[/quote]
Firstly, I have ready many that have said it.
Thank you for your input though.

My doctor has been useless at help with back pain. You need to find what works for you not the same advice the doctor gives to everyone.

Running and lifting weights were the best thing for me, but I know a lot of people will say they couldn’t possibly do that, but still wear high heels and don’t have a good chair to sit on and move less and less which makes it worse and it’s a vicious circle.

The less you move the worse it will be so possibly you need to be brave and try some new things and get a solid core so your muscles support your back.

If you are only working part time then you should have time to be proactive about improving it. Not just wait for the doctor to give you a magic pill as it won’t exist.

Read*

As someone who is 51 it's up to you if you want to retire, but having said that it would be a shame not to have explored all the options first. Much as I hate to say it, it really would be worth trying a standing desk and I would worry that your constant pain means you're unable to think clearly about this, as even hanging on until you're 55 would make a big difference to future finances as if you could afford to do without that money you can afford to put it into pension provision.

It's not your dds business so definitely not her decision.
However I'd urge you to look at all options before making such a decision (I say this as some one who was forced to medically retire at 40). Have you seen occupational health, gp, referral to a specialist (if it's bad enough to give up work it warrents a second opinion), physio and ot assessments, work station assessment, adjustments to hours/mini breaks. Not working is not always good for your mental health especially if it's because of something you can't control.

How much do you have in your private pension? You talk about state pension but that's nothing to survive on. I'd be worried too if you were my mum!

It does however sound like your job is unsuitable so YANBU but I would explore other solutions (new treatment, a job where you can stand?)

Tell her to wind her neck in, she sounds awful.
No she doesn't. She sounds concerned for her mother's future. It's odd that people think close members of a family shouldn't offer well-meaning advice.

I agree with other posters saying that your daughter is probably right to be concerned. Have you really thought it through as to what all of your financial needs could be for the rest of your life? Giving up work is a huge thing, even if your husband is earning as well - what if he gets ill and can no longer work, or loses his job for some reason?

It's better to be in work than not and maybe there are other jobs you could do or ways that things could be better adapted with your current job to suit your back pain. Assuming you are somewhere in your 50's, if you give up work it could be very hard for you to find something else if you change your mind in a few years.

I think it's misleading for you to bring up the request for payments from your children in this context, given that you accept that your daughter isn't objecting to paying it. She's absolutely right, you don't seem to have thought this through, and you do seem to have made this decision on the basis that your wages will be replaced by your children's payments. What will you do if they both move out next year and your husband gets made redundant? Your assumption that you will be fine because you'll be entitled to state pension "in a few years". It really isn't a few years, and the strong likelihood is that the date of entitlement to it will be pushed back again given the current economic situation; plus, it's not high now and it's not likely to keep up with inflation.

You really need to look into things like physio for your back, and the standing desk idea does seem a good one.

www.wired.com/2015/10/altwork-desk/

If it is sitting at a desk look for alternatives, or alternative roles where you aren't sitting.

And try another dr

I think you need to find ways to ease your back pain before giving up your living. My MIL gave up working for same reason and suffered mentally and physically as a result. My husband also has chronic lower back pain. Moving between a standing and sitting desk, regular walks, running and yoga have all helped along with a course of physio and prescription painkillers very occasionally.

Once your kids leave could you get a lodger/lodgers to help with costs?

@SeaTurtles92

I honestly don't understand why some people on MN are so against adult children paying their way. I do not agree with putting it in a pot for them. That teaches them nothing and this daughter already sounds a bit entitled.

How exactly does she sound entitled? OP has made it clear that she doesn't object to paying her way.

@kittykaty

Hi, I would definitely find a good physio and get a tailored exercise programme before making such a huge step. Pilates and yoga also hugely beneficial for chronic pain. I have chronic shoulder pain and these have made a massive difference to me. Unfortunately quitting work is not going to cure your back pain. Maybe your company could do an ergonomic seating assessment?

This! If anything, stopping work is only going to make your back worse.

The problem is that you said in your post that you have asked your children to pay £250 each rent then went on to say about quitting your job.
Why mention the rent if it's not relevant?
It's £500 a month extra for you and because you mentioned it I believe you do see it as income.
Two things. Your choice to quit but I always think women are mad to not have some financial independence.
Second if you don't need your children's money take it off them and save it for them and give it back when they go to buy or rent somewhere to help them.

Did you answer what age you’ll get your state pension, @whobubu? How many years until then?

State pension is low though. How’s your own pension looking?

can you get medical retirement?
it does seem young go give up work op

your daughter i imagine wont live with you forever, perhaps she will feel beholden not to leave if you are asking for money from her.

I'm 62 and I'm not entitled to a state pension until I'm 66. I think it might be higher for someone in their 50s.

Have you explored other avenues to resolve your back pain @whobubu? Chiropractor, osteopath? Has the doctor referred you for further investigations?

Regardless of whether I wanted to continue working or not I would hate to think I had to put up with back pain for another 30 odd years.

she obviously doesnt want to pay that much and is angling another way of getting out of paying. which is understandable.

have you been to occ health?

She’s being sensible. Seems crazy giving up work without asking for adjustments

They need to pay their contribution- that is a separate issue.
If the comments are from concern about your financial security especially when they both move out then can you reassure them that you’ll be ok? I’m 53 - state pension age is 67. I could if I needed to take a reduced public sector pension at 55 plus start drawing down a separate stakeholder that I have paid into and gone without things to keep going, but I would be extremely wary of retiring now on the basis of DH income if I did not have that pension provision. Is she concerned that you might struggle if they move out in a couple of years?
She might like to save all her salary towards a deposit etc but it doesn’t work like that in my book. Adult children living at home don’t get a free pass when they’re working - at £250 they are already on a very good deal.

It depends how it was presented to your DD, but I agree that it it foolish to give up work without a well thought out financial plan.

My Mum gave up her job in her early 50's with a similar plan that her DH would support her until she reached state pension age. Then her DH had an accident at work and wasnt able to work for 18 months and they were screwed. They ended up living with me in my spare bedroom because they has no money coming in. My Mum got a job in a supermarket and she sees a physio now.

I also remember Korma's threads on here about how her husband left her in her 50's for someone else, and the impact that had on her.

You dont say if you have a good amount of savings, 'Some savings' could be £2k and could be £20k, and it could be a lot more. I think you need to seek some proper financial advice, and a personal back up plan.

What job do you do OP?