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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

244 replies

whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:09

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
CarmelBeach · 30/04/2021 12:38

@Billandben444

I wouldn't ask DC their opinion and would be a bit flummoxed if they gave it.

Isn't this what families do? Look out for each other? I'm amazed at the number of posts saying it's nothing to do with an adult child when they're just looking out for mum and dad. It's nothing to do with paying her way either, that's a separate issue and she's happy to do so. An opinion is just that - you don't have to take any notice but this one - according to the number of posts agreeing with her concerns! - is well intentioned.

I politely check my parents, in their 80s, are okay with things like scams, they do get scared by calls sometimes.

If the DC came and said "here's a potentially good investment" that would be different than "mum, don't go part time, you'll regret it". That sounds patronising from anyone. We know how our finances run.

unwuthering · 30/04/2021 12:54

We know how our finances run.

Is that the royal we?

Because the OP clearly has no idea re finances or realistic future planning.

Babyroobs · 30/04/2021 12:58

I'd try to continue especially if only a few hours a day and at a good wage.

Flowers500 · 30/04/2021 13:36

I really don’t understand how some of the families on here work, where apparently you make all decisions say alone in a blank room, and politely avoid enquiring about anything intrusive from the woman who shoved you out through her vagina 😂

Is your mother the queen? 😂

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2021 13:56

It is actually quite disturbing how some families work. Kids aren’t allowed in the bedrooms, food is hidden, kids can’t know the parents finances, they have to do as they are told without question, they are not permitted to eat any food unless they ask, they have to know very well they don’t own the home so get no say, their opinion is not warranted, punishments are immediate and harsh, they are tracked on their phones, habe their phones checked, told what they are allowed to wear, it’s like prison but worse.

Then these people wonder why their kids don’t want to come see them past the occasional duty visit.

Tambora · 30/04/2021 14:32

She doesn't want you to give up your job because it means she would have to start contributing to the family finances.

Billandben444 · 30/04/2021 15:04

She's going to contribute anyway. RTWT.

Footloosefancyfree · 30/04/2021 15:09

50 is very early to leave the work force. Why not part time? I think the fact she's saving up to move out I'd try and support her or take as little as I could. It's hard for this generation to get into the property ladder.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2021 15:09

@Tambora

She doesn't want you to give up your job because it means she would have to start contributing to the family finances.
Have you not read the thread? If you had even bothered to just read the ops posts you’d know what was incorrect.
MarcelinesMa · 30/04/2021 15:14

She’s a cheeky twat. I don’t know if you’re unreasonable to quit your job, that’s your decision and to a lesser extent, your husband’s. It’s definitely none of her business though. I’d make it clear that either you end up resigning from your job or not, you will be charging her £250 a month to live in your house. I’d be tempted to tell her that you will up the rent by £50 every time she offers up her opinion when it’s not wanted.

Flowers500 · 30/04/2021 16:40

@MarcelinesMa

She’s a cheeky twat. I don’t know if you’re unreasonable to quit your job, that’s your decision and to a lesser extent, your husband’s. It’s definitely none of her business though. I’d make it clear that either you end up resigning from your job or not, you will be charging her £250 a month to live in your house. I’d be tempted to tell her that you will up the rent by £50 every time she offers up her opinion when it’s not wanted.
... what? Do some people have children to live out their Dickensian daydreams?

Get the wooden spoon out if they make eye contact! Give out fines if they don’t call you sir at the dinner table!

Rewis · 30/04/2021 21:39

@MarcelinesMa

She’s a cheeky twat. I don’t know if you’re unreasonable to quit your job, that’s your decision and to a lesser extent, your husband’s. It’s definitely none of her business though. I’d make it clear that either you end up resigning from your job or not, you will be charging her £250 a month to live in your house. I’d be tempted to tell her that you will up the rent by £50 every time she offers up her opinion when it’s not wanted.
In the world on MN it is never appropriate for family members to question anything another person does. None of your business. Whereas in my real life experience it is quite common and even some cases welcome to say "are you sure that is a good idea?" When someone is doing something that sounds off.

Is your husband your daughters dad? I'm just asking in case there is a history of something why she might expect that quitting job is not a good idea.

However, I echo the others. Only you and your husband can make the decision if quitting your job is a good idea and understand the risk. There are risks and benefits involved. Her asking about it is a valid concern. However, paying board is a totally different conversation that should not be tied to the employment question.

maddening · 01/05/2021 00:25

MarcelinesMa "that’s your decision and to a lesser extent, your husbands"

If my husband arbitrarily decided he was quitting work to live of my income I would definitely expect to be consulted, without good reason I would certainly not be working to keep another adult and if it was due to physical issues I would certainly expect them to be addressed and alternative employment that could be carried out with the physical condition before I accepted that I was keeping them. That is definitely a joint decision!

maddening · 01/05/2021 00:26

Off not of

Nith · 01/05/2021 07:56

I don’t know if you’re unreasonable to quit your job, that’s your decision and to a lesser extent, your husband’s. It’s definitely none of her business though.

Why isn't it her business? Is an adult child not entitled to worry about their parent? It does seem clear that OP's decision is driven by the prospect of getting money from the kids, so her daughter is entitled to be worried about how she will manage if or when they move out. She's also entitled to be concerned that she may end up feeling she can't move out because her parents need the money.

Lujie · 01/05/2021 08:10

I don't know if this is helpful , but I also have back problems, scoliosis, surgeries etc. yes to exercises but the thing that's transformed me from being really cronky and stiff is that I am now getting a great nights sleep. I bought a 3" memory foam mattress topper a couple of weeks ago and the difference to how I feel is remarkable. It might be worth trying that before you make this decision.

noworklifebalance · 01/05/2021 08:17

Wow, all these people saying it’s no business of the daughter’s! An adult child giving sage advice to a parent - shock horror.
Of course the final decision is between OP and her husband but what sort of families do you all have that someone close to you cannot forewarn you potential problems with a major decision such as giving il work.

OP - your daughter is absolutely right to suggest you consider alternatives and the worst case financial scenarios before quitting work. Based on what you have told us, she is looking out for you.

TrixieMixie · 01/05/2021 17:28

It's not really your daughter's business but really - you want to give up work over back ache? She is right, you will be giving up financial independence and you might well live another 40-50 years so will need to maximise your savings/pension. What if your husband gets ill and can't work? Mine did and we would have been sunk financially if I didn't have job. Carry on working now while you have the chance, is my advice. Get some physiotherapy, try a standing desk, whatever. Don't just give up! Sounds like you're looking for an excuse.

Passenger42 · 01/05/2021 17:35

I would first speak to your employer about reasonable adjustments or a change to your work pattern before resigning your job. Explore what can be done to support you.

Do you pay into a pension fund with ill health retirement as an option. Do you have a generous sick pay entitlement whereby you can get signed off work by your doctor for occupational sick pay? Don’t rush to leave Until you can consider your options and ways of getting paid for longer.

PompomDahlia · 01/05/2021 17:44

I can understand her concerns. Are you doing as much as you can to treat the back problems? Physio, doctors, exercise etc? Perhaps she's worried about you getting old and thinks that stopping work means you're going into elderly retirement mode and won't have enough stimulation, and you being less mobile. I'm possibly projecting here - I have a parent who has chronic pain who shrugs it off and really has to be badgered to go and get treatment

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/05/2021 17:50

It’s £100% that she thinks that they are paying you so you can’t be bothered to work.
I’m in agony with my back atm and couldn’t work right now.

Shona52 · 01/05/2021 17:51

Firstly it's none of her business what you do and what your finances are. That's between you and your husband. Second if your health is suffering and you need to stop work and you can afford to and agree with your husband than do it if it will make your life better. Third as they are working adults yes they should pay rent, welcome to adult life kids.

Lindsey0006 · 01/05/2021 18:01

I agree that the two things are separate. You are actually giving financial skills and awareness by asking for monthly contributions. That should definitely be happening! As a compromise you could always save the money and give your children a lump sum when they move into their own place; that is always an expensive time and I think they would probably appreciate it.

Job wise is up to you. If you can afford and it makes you happier then go for it.

DilyteGelyte · 01/05/2021 18:02

Is s reasonable to ask your adult children to pay rent or rather to contribute towards the household expenses. I assume they also eat the food you buy. Guess Bills,council tax and other fees come up near or around £250 per person anyway. I'm not including the food clothes and other household items you buy for them. This usually stops when children grow up and earn money of they own. If they don't move out then they pay you. Whether you leave your job or not, irrelevant.

godmum56 · 01/05/2021 18:20

I would divide out the two issues. If you expect (and I think you are right) your daughter to contribute to household expenses then that is one thing and she needs to understand that. So far as the advice goes, she has given it and the only response she needs is "thank you for your advice, now I will decide what I will do."