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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

244 replies

whobubu · 29/04/2021 21:09

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
takemetomiami · 29/04/2021 21:51

It's none of her business, but I also have a dd who likes to give her opinion on how I live my life so I do sympathise! Tell her to butt out.

nosyupnorth · 29/04/2021 21:53

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's absolutely your choice whether to leave your job or not, but as somebody who cares about you it's understandable that your daughter would speak up about her questions and concerns.

As other posters have said, quitting work 15 years before pension age to depend on a single income is a big gamble and if you were somebody close to me I would be encouraging you to make sure you've considered all angles in adressing your back problem or if there were other sorts of work you could do which wouldn't aggrate your issues. Have you got a plan in place for if you lose your husband's income? Do your savings also cover potential care needs as you grow older? If no, are you really prepared to cope with only state level care or will it be your daughter who is a position of providing or paying for care? And tbh even if you say you will depend on state care and so don't need to plan for paying for it, that potentially puts your daughter in the awkward position of feeling obliged into contributing in areas where state care falls short if she doesn't want to see her parents struggling.

If you really are in a solid financial position/have good backup plans in case you can't rely on your husband's income and have realistically considered all the financial needs you might have over the next 30+ years, then hopefully you can reassure your daughter, if not then I think she's being fair to express her concerns.

JetBlackSteed · 29/04/2021 21:53

Two separate issues.

Kids should pay board and contribute to family money. It's a good lesson to learn.

Weird you can work all day in the office, but only a few hours from home. Have you had a dse assessment - a proper office chair, desk, office set up etc? A stand up desk isn't a bad shout to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 21:53

Is she right? Are you asking for the money so you can give up work?

1Morewineplease · 29/04/2021 21:54

@Butchyrestingface

I kind of think she's right to be concerned (possibly lone voice in the wilderness here). Whether she's coming from a genuine place of concern or only because she doesn't want to pay to pay board, you are best placed to be the judge of that.

If I didn't need their contributions, I'd be inclined to save it in a fund for them. But that's obv down to choice.

I agree.
Milkywaystars · 29/04/2021 21:54

Have you had your back checked by a Dr? You should get it investigated before it gets worse regardless of whether you continue working or not. No point in giving up work and sitting in pain for the rest of your life waiting 12 years to draw your pension

I think pension age is around 65 so you've got a while to go yet. What are you planning on doing in your early retirement?

bloodyhell19 · 29/04/2021 21:54

Cheeky madam, tell her it's none of her business. I'd also remind her that if this is the first time in her adult life that she's had to contribute towards board, she's doing very well.

You've worked long & hard enough OP, if it's not making much of a difference to your lifestyle with your husband then I'd be inclined to pack it in. No point spending your golden years crippled because of a miserable job when you're able to leave now.

Moondust001 · 29/04/2021 21:55

Her POV is that my children will be moving out in the next couple of years so I shouldn't rely on them, but I am not relying on them. I don't need their contributions but I would like them to pay £250 each

Both are welcome to move out now and find somewhere cheaper. Everything else is none of their business.

Landofthefree · 29/04/2021 22:14

YANBU to expect your DCs to pay board or to want to stop working.

Have you seen a doctor or had a scan to get a diagnosis to find out exactly what is causing your back pain? Many back problems can be treated.

Tinty · 29/04/2021 22:17

Are you sure about your pension age? Because I am nearly 50 and my pension age is 67.

I think in the next few years it could even be moved up to 70. Because when I started work at 16 my retirement age was 60, that has already changed by 7 years!

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 22:26

I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk to your children as there is a miscommunication

Your daughter is under the impression you’re giving up work and so asking your children for 500 quid a month to offset that, and is pointing out they will leave home and you can’t rely on that money for long, as such you should consider staying in employment

You’re saying your husband earns enough that that 500 is irrelevant to you and that’s not the case, you just want them to contribute and it’s coincidental that you’re asking for money at the same time as you’re thinking of quitting.

So just talk to them and explain that she’s got it wrong, you can easily afford to live and even pay for your kids if you chose, and you are not asking them for money to allow you to resign.

Howshouldibehave · 29/04/2021 22:29

@whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years
What age will you get your state pension?
Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout · 29/04/2021 22:31

@whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years
It’s going to be longer than a few!
SynchroSwimmer · 29/04/2021 22:36

Your daughter will have no understanding yet about fitness levels and how energy, stamina and tiredness start to kick in around middle age...
(I say this kindly). So do what is right for you.

Oly4 · 29/04/2021 22:39

There’s no way I’d give up a job in my 50s to rely on one wage. Risky. What if your DH loses his? Is there no way of sorting out your back pain?
Of course your daughter should pay rent - separate issue

OverTheRubicon · 29/04/2021 22:53

@SynchroSwimmer

Your daughter will have no understanding yet about fitness levels and how energy, stamina and tiredness start to kick in around middle age... (I say this kindly). So do what is right for you.
With all due respect, her mother doesn't appear to have any understanding yet of how long it takes to get the state pension, and how high risk it is to rely on a single income and nothing else for 15+ years. What about if his back packs up? Or he's tired of working while she's at home?

If she stops now, Op is highly likely to spend many more years retired than she likely would have working (assuming she started after 16 and took a year or so off for DCs), and quite likely much of that work part time. And unless there's a big drip feed coming, it doesn't sound like she's had an investigation with health and safety/occupational therapy/ had extensive physio or more.

It's this kind of maths that is going to end up either with far more pensioners in severe poverty as the boomers and Gen X give up work and there isn't funding to cover their retirement and health and care needs, or far more young people even more shafted than the young people of today, or worse still and most likely, both.

Calmdown14 · 29/04/2021 22:53

Have you earned sufficient national insurance stamps to qualify for the full state pension?
Is this totally about back pain or is there more going on?
Your daughter has raised quite sensible concerns.
What would happen if you and your husband split? Unlikely but it happens.
Are there any options between quitting and carrying on? Could you change your working pattern or reduce hours further?
Once you give up your job, be prepared that finding another on those conditions will be very difficult

Mydogmylife · 29/04/2021 22:59

Basically he-haw to do with your daughter whether you work or not, it's between you and your husband.
Yes she should pay digs .

SonnyWinds · 29/04/2021 23:01

You're both sort of being unreasonable.

  • It's your job and your choice whether to quit or not. Your daughter doesn't make that decision for you.
  • Your daughter is an adult who is working full-time and should contribute to her household. When was it first raised that your children should be contributing financially. Are they both the same age? If not, why was the eldest not paying board sooner? Like, a consistent cut off of paying board when you are 18 or when you're 21 etc.
  • Your daughter is under no obligation to financially support you because you decide to quit your job. If you're only expecting her to contribute because you're quitting then I can see why she'd feel it's unreasonable that she's out of pocket because you're not working (by choice).
  • Your daughter raises valid points that you can't simply quit because it's bad - there should be some effort to fix a problem or find a solution or a work around. If (touch wood) anything happened to your husband then you'd be entirely unable to support yourself.
SnackSizeRaisin · 29/04/2021 23:02

I would try to keep working if possible. You don't know what the future holds. Adjust your work station, shorten your hours (or go back to fewer longer days), see a physio, if you haven't already. Plus surely you will have a sore back regardless, if it's just office work?
I would also charge your children rent as that's a separate issue

PandaLady · 29/04/2021 23:14

I think your dd is giving you good advice. If you leave this job but then find you need to earn again, you will likely have to get a retail/service industry job which will crucify your back.

It should be possible to find a work around your back issues with a desk job and certainly much better than leaving yourself high and dry waiting for a state pension.

memberofthewedding · 29/04/2021 23:28

Back in the early 1960s when I began work my mother immediately gave up the part time job she had. Unfortunately she was rubbish at budgeting monthly and kept tapping me for extra as the month went on. Then she was short again the following month when I took back what she owed me. I was convinced that every pound I gave my mother went not on my "keep" but onto my sisters back to keep her in pretty clothes.

The problem with my mother giving up her job was that she relied too much on my keep money. When I wanted to go into full time training to qualify for my job she thought I should continue to give her the same amount of money as before, which was clearly impossible on a student grant. Instead I had to qualify by part time study which took a lot longer. I always resented my parents for holding me back.

As soon as I was qualified I left home, which more or less forced my mother to go pack to work. Her constant cry was "You cant keep a family on one man's wages"

tillytown · 30/04/2021 00:38

I don't understand why most people are saying the daughter is wrong, she's not. If you can work, you should. Anything could happen between now and when your pension kicks in. What if your husband loses his job or becomes unable to work? Cut done on your hours or find a different job, you would be crazy to retire completely.

Flowers500 · 30/04/2021 01:21

Your daughter is right. You would be beyond ridiculous to put yourself into such a risky financial place when you and your partner are at an age where getting a new role is incredibly difficult. If it doesn’t work out, you are in huge trouble and there’s not really a way out. It’s fine to expect the children to contribute but by quitting your job you’re putting pressure on them, that they feel moving on with their lives risks their mother’s financial health.

Let’s say you quite your job and 2 years from now your husband is made redundant. So now your children are your income, and if your daughter has a partner and wants to set up home, she feels like she can’t because you rely on her for an income. Or your son wants to travel but has to stay at home because his parents can’t get by without his income.

I think it would be very unreasonable to put your children in this position. And when they’re saving up for houses, it is not fair for them to feel like their savings are now the family’s emergency pot due to your decision. It sounds like you’re too young to retire and haven’t taken even the first step to sort this with work

OwlBeThere · 30/04/2021 01:34

I think I’d be inclined to go on sick leave and pursue treatment for my back issues first before I left altogether. But it’s none of your daughters business!