To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

[whobubu]

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

She's right. But it's still none of her business.

Me and my mum talk through issues though. If I think she's being an idiot or vice versa.

What if your DH... died, was made redundant, developed health issues, had an affair... all possible.

Your daughter is right but it's not her business.

No way would I choose not to work because I had a sore back. I'd pursue all avenues first..treatment, ergonomic assess etc.
Such a vulnerable age to give up a job because if anything happened and you HAD to go back to work, chances aren't great that you'd find something.
I wouldn't put myself willingly in that kind of position.

She's afraid she'll have to get off the gravy train and pay her way.

Pension?
Job satisfaction?
Something outside of home?.

Do you like your job?
If it's secure they should be supporting you with your medical issues.

I'm biased as i like working.

If you're at home. You can work however. How is it bad for your back working but not normal life iyswim.

Standing desk not needed, kitchen counter is good standing desk etc.

If you want to give up work that's fine but just be honest with yourself iykwim.

Why don’t you see about getting your back sorted and give yourself say 6 months of saving your income and relying solely on your husbands to see if you can live just on his. Even better work out what your pension income will be and try living just on that for 6 months and see how you get on. Set up a spreadsheet listing all pension income and expenses - add a bit of inflation to expenses and see the reality - your bills such as utilities won’t reduce. I can see exactly how your daughter feels - what if she lost her job and couldn’t pay you £250 per month could you still honestly manage? I don’t think you’ve fully considered the implications of everything?

I agree that they're two separate issues. Adult kids should pay board, IMO, so no disagreement there.

However - to me, as someone in her mid-40s, retiring in your early 50s is staggeringly early. Suppose you were to live to 85? What would you do for the next 30 years? What could you afford to do for 30 years? At risk of being presumptuous, I'm presuming that you must have a decent private pension built up, to consider retirement? I hope you're not relying on BJ to take care of you!

From a non-financial perspective, perhaps your daughter is concerned about your isolation/boredom/ emotional well-being? I know a couple of people (4 - small sample 😀) who each retired in their 50s. Each one of them is now looking to work part time - not for the money necessarily, but because early 50s is so, so early to be put out to seed.

@memberofthewedding

Back in the early 1960s when I began work my mother immediately gave up the part time job she had. Unfortunately she was rubbish at budgeting monthly and kept tapping me for extra as the month went on. Then she was short again the following month when I took back what she owed me. I was convinced that every pound I gave my mother went not on my "keep" but onto my sisters back to keep her in pretty clothes.

The problem with my mother giving up her job was that she relied too much on my keep money. When I wanted to go into full time training to qualify for my job she thought I should continue to give her the same amount of money as before, which was clearly impossible on a student grant. Instead I had to qualify by part time study which took a lot longer. I always resented my parents for holding me back.

As soon as I was qualified I left home, which more or less forced my mother to go pack to work. Her constant cry was "You cant keep a family on one man's wages"

Wow that's some entitlement from your mother.

My siblings and I always prayed my mother didn’t stop working but we never let her knew our thoughts.

She drove us all crazy with demands and expectations when she had free time on her hands, going from full time to part time for a few months almost got my parents divorced. We worried also for her mental health as she needed the challenges, structure and achievement that came with her job. Any chance your DD is worried about something like that?

Having said that, paying towards the upkeep of the house as soon as we were earning was expected and never questioned, we were adults and as such we had to contribute. In all honesty I find it terrible how many parents cripple their children by letting them use their whole income as pocket money while letting them freeload at home whether is needed or not. So good on you on asking for a contribution to the costs, they live in the house, use the services, eat the food, why shouldn’t they contribute?

If you have a close, good relationship then I don't think there's anything wrong with her offering her opinion really.

I think it's normal for families who live together to talk through big life changes.

I certainly wouldn't mind hearing my dc's opinions in similar circumstances, and I hope that they wouldn't mind my advice if the shoe was on the other foot.

I find that it's only on mn that close family aren't supposed to comment on each other's lives.

But then of course you are free to ignore it, no matter how right she is.

It seems a little daft to me to think of leaving a job because of a bad back, without trying to address the root cause. You'd have more cause if it were hard, physical work, but in this case you probably just need a decent chair and to get fit, strong and flexible.

If you hate the job and the bad back is just an excuse, then be honest and leave. It sounds like you have some financial wriggle room anyway. Have a sabbatical, get your back right, then use the time to find work that is enjoyable and fulfilling enough that you can do it for another ten years or so.

FWIW I think that you'd be crazy to give up a well-paid pt desk job because of back pain and she's right that there are things to try first.

What if your husband dies, or loses his job, or you separate?

What will you do with all your time at home? You are so young to retire.

The timing, giving up as you start receiving rent from dc, does sound like a bit more than coincidence and I can see why she's pointing out that their rent money won't be coming in forever.

Reference to savings is also worrying as dipping into savings should be a short term thing not a plan for the next 50 years, unless you've got millions.

None of her business at all.

I haven’t been able to work since 32 due to chronic disabilities. I am 40 now and unlikely to ever work again (lupus, sjorgens, Addison’s, pituitary issues, asthma etc). We aren’t a rich family - dh works full time in a low wage job, we have no real pension to speak of (I have none) and basically we manage on tax credits and PIP etc but I just can’t work so we do what we do to manage. If your back can be improved then get treatment and push for better medical support but don’t feel you have to keep working if you really can’t. Investigate PIP (you can actually get this even if you work, it’s not work dependent or means tested) and consider alternative work long term.

But yep nothing to do with your dd.

Reading this thread has made me really sad. The op said the daughter wasn't trying to get out of paying the £250 a month.
When my mum started thinking about retirement she talked to me and I gave my opinion. As an adult why don't you have those sort of conversations with your adult children? I think it's like a friend who knows you really well giving you advice.
I assume she is an adult if paying £250 a month in board.

The daughter is also 100% right, and tbh seems to be saying it out of kindness, the op would be stupid to give up her job and then use the board from her children as a safety net as they won't be there forever. Also pension kicking in in a few years is likely wrong if the op is nearly 50. I would always reccomened people not give up their financial independence unless it absolutely cannot be avoided.

My first port of call would be speaking to my employer about my back issues and seeing what they can offer for support. They may be able to get new equipment which will help massively.

@whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years

You won't get state pension for what, 10+ years, so hardly a few years.

I think she has a point. Any other woman on here is advised not to make themselves vulnerable and have to rely on their husband to fund them, bit because its your dd telling you this, everyone will say she is unreasonable because mn doesn't generally like teen/adult children.

You should look into getting your back sorted. I suffer terrible back pain. I'm only 31 my job is very physical and I work at least 50 hours a week. I couldnt give up work, and I certainly wouldn't be relying on my adult children to make up the shortfall if I did.

Well I think she's right, and it's no different to your friend or sister giving advice.
You're chosing to be in a very vulnerable position because of a bad back. She doesn't want to feel responsible for you or feel bad moving out because you need her board or to feel like she has to financially support you further down the line because you didn't save enough for your old age.

I think your daughter has a point. Your state pension isn't just a few years away, it could be 10+. Leaving yourself in such a vulnerable position without even trying to address your back pain seems like an irresponsible decision. I don't think she's wrong to ask you to think more about what you're doing before making a decision you could really regret in a few years.

If you give up work I can’t see how it’s going to fix your bad back? That I can see is getting you down. You need to see about getting it sorted.

It doesn’t sound like you have any other pensions and you are relying on state pension. Placing financial responsibility on your husband alone is very risky. Does he have a private pension?

I wouldn’t personally retire now. What are you going to do once retired for the next 30-40 years?

I would say early 50s is very young to give up work and your life could become quite "small" without it, let alone the fact you will be entirely financially dependent on your husband. I think your daughter is wise.

If you are saying you want to, basically, retire in your 50s and live off your DH's earnings, then YABU.

I don't understand your "argument is that [you] have contributed to the family for many years". So has your DH, surely? Why would you be entitled to stop contributing in your 50s when he's going to be keeping on contributing for longer?

If your current job isn't good for you physically then looking for a different one that won't hurt makes a lot of sense, though trying something like a standing desk is probably a more sensible first step.

I'm 2 years off stage pension age with savings and no mortgage and will not give up my part time job. YABVU OP, as I think you will make yourself financially vulnerable. You need to address the pain and carry on working.

If she is an employed adult then she should contribute towards living expenses, wherever she is. The money you ask her for is entirely unrelated to you leaving work. However if she insists on having this conversation with you, then you could argue (after explaining she should pay her way regardless) that you will spend the time off on regular physiotherapy and pilates etc to get your body back into peak condition and then you will look for another job. But that is none of her business and immaterial to her contributions.

If she doesn't like the plan, she can rent somewhere and pay all her own bills.

I've just looked up the pension age tables. Your pension age is 67. And is that for everyone currently below 60, and indeed also for someone who has turned 60 in the last few weeks. Make sure you factor that in to your plans, and also check your national insurance record to make sure you have full eligibility. (anyone in their early 40s or younger already has a pension age of 68 by the way)

There's some good advice already on this thread. I think the most important thing is to identify what you will be doing if not working and how will that continue longer term.

If you know what keeps your back OK, you should be able to negotiate ways to make some work possible within those parameters. If you don't, then you definitely need more input and effort (physio, more exercise of the right nature generally, adapted desk and sitting etc) to make your life more worth living. Regardless of whether you are working or not.

Good luck finding a better path forward!

then you could argue (after explaining she should pay her way regardless) that you will spend the time off on regular physiotherapy and pilates etc to get your body back into peak condition and then you will look for another job.

OP could do that now if she wanted to. She only works a few hours a week.

She also thinks what if my husband was to be made redundant?

then you jump that hurdle if it happens, exactly like all other life hurdles.

Frankly? Adult kids living at home and earning should be contributing money to the household, and if not they should contribute in other ways.

Giving up your job is a big step - how about asking your employer to make adjustments? do you do anything for your health? back pain can be mitigated with yoga, exercise etc.

But the two issues are not related.

@Bluntness100 Is she right? Are you asking for the money so you can give up work?

I thought this too. You’re asking for £500 a month from both of your DC. What if your DC lose their job and can’t pay any more? Or your DH is made redundant? Most jobs aren’t really secure at the moment.

You should ask your employer if they can help with a new chair/support for your back or other provisions to help your sore back. I agree with your DD that giving up your job is reckless.