To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

[whobubu]

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

You are right to charge your DC in full time work for board, they probably eat a lot of that £250 to start with, it’s not even rent, it will be food plus extra water, gas and electricity.

You need to check the government website to see how many years of pension you have. I think you need 35 years of ni contributions to get the full amount which is only about £9.5k per year.

I’m planning on retiring early as is DH but we are investing and preparing financially for that.

I also suffer from back pain so a few suggestions from me would be - making sure you get your 10000 steps in throughout the day, 20 to 30 minutes walk before and after work and maybe lunch time too, this really helps as does any core building exercise, a proper office chair at home with back support, a hot water bottle or heat pad, stretching, try working on a makeshift standing desk starting at 30 minutes and see how you go.

Don’t give up work and just be dependent on your husband especially if you won’t have a full state pension or private pension

Well they are two different issues.

If you were to post on here saying shall I quit my job at 52, people on here would say if your husband suddenly had a heart attack or you live to 90 (which you really might) will you be financially Ok? - so will you?

And secondly, and arguably more importantly, what will you do to keep your brain active etc. It’s really important to do that to limit the chances of Alzheimer’s/cognitive decline, which is going to become a huge issue for our ageing population.

If these things are sorted then sure, quit, if they aren’t then look for a different job.

Your daughter should pay rent regardless.

I have chronic lower back pain. Had it for probably 15 years. Been to doctor's many times. It is sitting down that is the issue. I am ok sitting in bed.

Don’t agree with those saying it’s not the daughter’s business.

I’m 33 and live the other side of the world from my parents; we still talk through work and finance issues - when my dad retired they outlined their financial plan, and again we spoke through my mum’s plans for retirement in a couple of years. Likewise I talked through plans when I was buying a house and chat about major work decisions. It’s not about getting “permission”, it’s about having a sounding board and getting advice.

If my mum had said she was going to retire at 50 without a solid financial plan I’d be concerned as well - the OP appears to have not really thought it fully through (as the blase references to State pension and “not living that long” show); plus hasn’t appeared to have actually gone down the occupational health route at all to see if anything can be done to help with the back issues. Anything from a decent chair, a standing desk, to full on physio can often be obtained via occupational health departments.

OP, if you have crunched the numbers, maybe show your daughter your monthly budget and how you can get by easily on your husband’s income alone (if you can), plus your back up plans in case of an issue (emergency fund, income protection Insurance etc). That may help with her concerns about you?

Tbf if you've presented it as "you'll have to contribute, BTW I'm giving up work because of my back"
Then naturally they will put 2 and 2 together and assume their money allows you to do it.

You're not ur to ask for money, but you've said that if they pay you that then it'll be longer before they can move out. If that's the case, and I didn't need the money, then personally I'd rather they saved the money and got their own place sooner.
Presumably you want them ultimately to be moving out as soon as they can afford it, so why would I take money I didn't need which would mean it would be longer?

How would you feel if one of them said they'd found a place they could share for £250 a month (depending on your area that could be dirt cheap or going rate) and we're moving out?

whobubu

We have some savings but daughter said you could live another 50 years and I said I won't live that long. Also we will get state pension in a few years“

Do you have private pensions? Not really a “few” years. Lots can happen in 16 years. Difficult to live comfortably on state pension alone.

There's 2 issues here.

Your dd's thoughts about you giving up work are valid and nothing more than lots of people are saying here. If you are confident about your decisions it shouldn't be an issue discussing them with your family.

I am a little unsure about you receiving £500 a month from your adult children when they are saving up to move out. I personally would put the money away into savings for them and give it back at some point. But I know that lots of people will disagree with me.

My dh suffers from chronic pain. He prefers to keep busy as he finds that when he isn't busy he naturally concentrates on how bad he feels. I think that you need a plan about the next 10 or so years of your life, Op, whatever that might be.

Firstly, as others have said, it is absolutely none of your daughter's business and it shouldn't affect whether or not she pays her way. So make it clear to her that she's paying that £250 regardless of the decision you make about work.

That being said, I do agree with some PP's that this might be an unwise decision. The job market is horrendously ageist so you may really struggle to find work again in the future. I would have a proper talk with your husband about what would happen if he lost his job, or if the house unexpectedly needed very expensive repairs etc.

I would probably speak to your employer about adjustments that could be made that would reduce the stress on your back. Maybe your shifts could change or your duties could be changed. If you are at the point where you're ready to quit then you really have nothing to lose by asking.

Hi, I would definitely find a good physio and get a tailored exercise programme before making such a huge step. Pilates and yoga also hugely beneficial for chronic pain.
I have chronic shoulder pain and these have made a massive difference to me. Unfortunately quitting work is not going to cure your back pain. Maybe your company could do an ergonomic seating assessment?

(Oh and the actual reason my dad “retired early” at 59 was that he was made redundant and found it impossible to find another job. This is a man with a 40 year solid career history in middle management and has never had an issue with getting jobs before - nobody was willing to look past the grey hair. It absolutely shattered his confidence and he got really down. Luckily they looked at finances and realised they could get by until his Navy pension kicked in at 60 so he was able to step off the job hunt).

As others have said, id be wary giving up work. Is there another type of job you could do that is better for your back? Even a few hours a week just to keep in job market. I'm late 40s and heading into my 50s I'm looking to do the opposite. Moving from part time to fill time, despite no mortgage, good savings, husband on good income etc State pension age is miles off and lots can happen eg illness , redundancy etc between 50s and then. I want personal financial security.

OP, please get your back checked by your doctor, ask for a referral to a specialist if GP can’t help, and don’t give up seeking diagnosis and treatment.

Meanwhile, please follow sensible guidelines for dealing with back pain: stay active, take some exercise, make sure your chair supports your back and get away from your desk for frequent short walks.

I think the fact that you have asked her for money and her response isnt because she doesnt want to pay but because rightly she is saying that she wont be there for much more than a couple of years and you cant rely on the money.

Your state pension age is 67 - so early 50s you are 14 or so years away from it. Your plans seem to rely on things that wont last or are a while away

At the moment you are at home working a few hours a day and it is getting too much but you are making a decision that could have longer term consequences without I think exploring all the options.

Your daughter seems to be coming from a place of love and concern so I would listen to her concerns at least

I am 52 and though a single parent so of course I can’t give up work, I would say giving up work at this age is not a good idea for all the reasons people have mentioned.

I am lucky to work in an environment where there are people of all ages, but my worst scenario would be finding myself unemployed and then unable to get work because of my age .

With the rent - the pp’s idea about putting it into a fund for your dc is a good one I think.

None of her business really and she doesn’t get a say. Sounds as though she’s mostly pissed off she won’t get to live in your home rent free anymore...

It doesn't matter if you use their money to contribute. She needs to learn to pay her way.

It's none of her business and I think she has been very very rude.

If my mum said she was giving up work, I'd never dream of questioning her about it. She's a grown woman who's made the decision for herself and as her younger daughter living with her if that was the case I'd be happy that the money I'd be paying would help with that.

All the years she has looked after me £250 really is absolutely nothing and you'd still be able to save.

(Not a good idea even in a couple I mean)

I wouldn't let my daughter have that much of an opinion towards my career.

I think that your early 50s is very young to be giving up on work.

I think your priority should be to look at solutions, either medical/standing desk/different chair to allow you to carry on working....

I honestly don't understand why some people on MN are so against adult children paying their way. I do not agree with putting it in a pot for them. That teaches them nothing and this daughter already sounds a bit entitled.

If my mum said she was giving up work, I'd never dream of questioning her about it.

I don't see anything wrong with questioning the decision. It will have a huge impact on the OP, and possibly her family. Considering OPs comments about the state pension is seems as though she hasn't put much thought into life after quitting the job.

I think it’s odd that you’re involving your daughter in your decision. It’s up to you and your husband. She shouldn’t know about your earnings and whether you can manage financially. That being said it does seem odd timing that you’re giving up work as your children are going to start paying £250’rent.
The people I know who gave up work early around that age have not done well, work kept them going and their health and fitness has declined. If you were better off on a different working pattern is this not an option again?

I find it astonishing that people are saying here that it is none of the DD’s business in one sentence, and then go on to agree with her entirely.

And nowhere has the daughter said that she doesn’t want to pay rent, people are extrapolating that from what the OP said, but actually what she’s said is that they are likely to move out in the next couple of years so the OP can’t rely on that rent money, which given the OP seemingly said “you’re going to have to pay rent now, and I’m giving up my job,” it seems that that is exactly what she was planning to do. The daughter is just pointing out that she can’t do that because in a year or two they’ll be gone.

Lastly, giving up work in your 50’s is a spectacularly bad idea. In the current climate you will be unlikely to ever find another job. If your DH is made redundant/dies what are you going to do?

If a woman posted here saying that her husband wanted to quit his job because he felt they could live off of her income people would probably be telling the OP to leave. But because it’s a woman wanting to quit her job this is seemingly ok, despite the fact that giving up work is a really risky thing to do.

I think you will probably regret leaving work altogether, your dd is right about you might live for many years. Have you checked your pension (state) online to ensure you have paid sufficient contributions for a full one? You could look for a different job/different hours until you are around 60. I have gone back to work despite not needing the money because quite frankly I was very bored at home all day!

@SeaTurtles92 RTFT. Hardly anyone is saying the daughter shouldn’t pay her way, most people are pointing out the OP is making a knee jerk decision to quit her job without actually checking the finances make sense.