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Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:33

Apparently since this she's now trying to engage our other friend in conversations and analysis about this married man. I guess I started to feel like I was just an audience for it.

OP posts:
Helpmebenicer · 29/04/2021 09:34

She didn't like what she heard clearly!

rainbowthoughts · 29/04/2021 09:35

Her responses were simply attacking me.

It sounds like you went for her first.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:35

Yeah, I mean I can understand, nobody likes hearing that, she was clearly very shocked but I just feel awful now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:36

I didn't 'go for her' at all. I had told her clearly that I was no longer interested in discussing her affair.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 29/04/2021 09:37

Well you basically ended the friendship with your comments lol! You can’t speak a load of shit to someone about their failings and expect them to be upbeat afterwards. She may think about what you’ve said and decide you’re right and change her ways or more likely she is probably angry about what you’ve said and have decided you’re a nasty cow.

LagneyandCasey · 29/04/2021 09:38

She didn't like you telling the truth about her behaviour. She only wants friends who keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions and morals to themselves. You're better off without a friend like that.

SympathyFatigue · 29/04/2021 09:38

You told your friend everything in her.life was wrong and she had a terrible personality...sges deleted you.
Move on.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:38

I didn't speak a lot of shit to her.
I told her that I felt the conversations were only about her that I didn't want to support her affair, but that I wanted to resolve the friendship.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 29/04/2021 09:38

Well, she's taken you at your word. If she only talks about herself and the demon lover she's got nothing to say to you. Be grateful.

NeepNeepNeep · 29/04/2021 09:38

She wasn't a friend. It's ok to have boundaries such as not listening to affair.

mn81987 · 29/04/2021 09:39

I would have done the same too

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:39

I did not tell her everything was wrong and she had a terrible personality. That's a massive exaggeration.

OP posts:
grapewine · 29/04/2021 09:39

You went for her first though. Sounds like you had a list of issues and let her have it. Can't say I wouldn't have reacted the same way tbh.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:40

I can understand though why she felt that way. It's not nice to hear at all, but would others just accept to talk daily about someone's affair and only ever them ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:41

Confronting someone isn't 'going for them'. I wasn't nasty or rude at all.

OP posts:
Rupertbeartrousers · 29/04/2021 09:41

It takes a lot of courage to deliver an uncomfortable truth someone doesn’t want to hear from a position of love and care. If this is the case (and it wasn’t bitchy or judgemental) then I think you just have to hold your head high and accept the fallout from it, the ball is in your friend’s court now.

If she wants to surround herself with people who will automatically nod along with everything she says and does, then her friendships will be the poorer for it.

No one likes to lose a friend or feel that they’ve caused hurt though, you have my sympathy op.

greeneyedlulu · 29/04/2021 09:41

Well she's shown her true colours hasn't she? So based on that, I wouldn't miss her, I mean what's to miss? Hearing about her chasing a married man, only wants to talk about herself all the time? She's done you a favour

LIZS · 29/04/2021 09:42

Friendships are not supposed to be hard work or "resolved". Sounds like it had run its course.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 29/04/2021 09:42

Ahh I’ve been in a similar situation. My friend wasn’t as dramatic about it, I didn’t get blocked but we did stop speaking and still don’t now. She was having an affair with her married boss who had a young child and I just couldn’t support it.

rainbowthoughts · 29/04/2021 09:42

You see it your way OP but it seems it's not the way most others, including your friend, see it.

You can crack in arguing with every poster of you want but it won't change what you wrote in the OP which makes it look like you did go for her first.

skirk64 · 29/04/2021 09:42

I'd block you too. People don't need unsupportive "friends" around them. If you don't like who I am then why be friends at all? I'm not going to "work on our friendship" - life is too short.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:42

I tried to encourage her so many times to move on and meet others as the man was not interested and just liked the attention. She never listened, and it's her choice indeed but I did not agree with what she was doing.

OP posts:
SympathyFatigue · 29/04/2021 09:43

@Bluevioletindigo

I can understand though why she felt that way. It's not nice to hear at all, but would others just accept to talk daily about someone's affair and only ever them ?
No I'd be pretty bored of it. But for her to hear sges a shit person and boring/selfish isn't fun.

She's not prepared to hear it or she'd have said fair enough or she didn't realise.
Just forget her.
At least you told her straight rather than be two faced.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/04/2021 09:43

I think it might be this - "Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish."

I think it might be this. It's ok to say "this specific situation is making me uncomfortable and I don't want to discuss it any more" but it sounds like you've attacked her entire personality and character traits here. I'm not sure I'd want to continue a friendship with someone who thought I was dominating the conversation and was selfish. I think it would take an extremely self-aware and non defensive person to take that as positive constructive criticism and want to change and continue the friendship. It's a normal human reaction to feel attacked