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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:11

She has also told me in the past that she won't talk about guys I like anymore. I never once said she's X sort of person. I talked about the fact that it felt one sided and negative. But kept saying she's a good person

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:11

Yes I did.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:12

Because she’s not the one having the affair in that case.

She is still complicit in it though.

ddl1 · 29/04/2021 10:12

You were not unreasonable in your criticisms of her; but perhaps unreasonable in expecting that it wouldn't affect the friendship. People don't like having their patterns of behaviour criticized: criticizing a specific action is one thing; criticizing an overall pattern is a criticism of them as a person. If she's chasing a married man and expecting others to sympathize with her, she probably deserves to be criticized as a person, but I think you had the choice between putting up with her, or being honest at the likely risk of losing her friendship.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:12

@Bluevioletindigo

I don't expect her to be grateful. Not sure what posters on here would do? Just ghost someone?
I don’t think I’d care too much, to be honest. Different if she was cheating on her own family but she isn’t, so I think I’d just pity her for being stupid enough to listen to his bullshit. I think if you choose to take a stance on someone else’s behaviour you have to accept that it won’t be welcomed with open arms, and could well end a friendship.
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:13

Anyway I think I've got the message from this thread and indeed I need to recognise that i can't expect her to want to speak to me again. It is sad but I still feel that I did the correct thing by speaking to her.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:13

@CounsellorTroi

Because she’s not the one having the affair in that case.

She is still complicit in it though.

So? He’s the one with the marriage vows. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. It’s a stretch to make her responsible for his shitty behaviour.
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:14

I tried so many times to get her to see he wasn't worth it but in the end it is up to her.

OP posts:
MrsGulDukat · 29/04/2021 10:16

Dont feel awful OP.

Some people need a bit of ugly truth for their own good.

If she keeps on, she'll have wasted years on someone who doesnt actually want her and all her friends will have backed off because they were fed up of hearing the same things over and over again.

JovialNickname · 29/04/2021 10:16

By the sounds of it you told her she was completely morally bankrupt, selfish and self absorbed, with a negative personality. That's a bit different from saying to her you love her, but you disagree with her affair and think it's better she spoke to someone else about it rather than you! It sounds like a bit of a character assassination, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to hang out with someone who sounds like they hate her entire personality. She probably feels it's bad for her self esteem and self respect to be friends with someone who hates her so much, which is why she's blocked you

I'm really puzzled why you want now to be friends with someone you think so little of, and why you can't understand why they might have taken offence. You've done a bit of a Prince Harry here

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:18

So? He’s the one with the marriage vows. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. It’s a stretch to make her responsible for his shitty behaviour.

Of course he’s responsible for his shitty behaviour. So is she. Doesn’t mean she’s doing nothing wrong.

viques · 29/04/2021 10:18

So what is the problem? You told her how you felt and said you didn’t want to discuss her relationship.

She decided she wants to continue the relationship doesn’t want to talk to you about it.

You should both be happy. .

FrangipaniBlue · 29/04/2021 10:20

The thing is you could have simply said "I feel uncomfortable with your situation being involved with a married man so could we not discuss it when we are together please?"

Instead you were judgmental and by the sounds of it gave her completely unsolicited advice.... then when she didn't take your advice it sounds like you had a go at her?!

Yeah I'd cut ties with you as well.

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:22

@CounsellorTroi

So? He’s the one with the marriage vows. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. It’s a stretch to make her responsible for his shitty behaviour.

Of course he’s responsible for his shitty behaviour. So is she. Doesn’t mean she’s doing nothing wrong.

Just to clarify I meant she’s responsible for her own shitty behaviour and it is shitty.
YouJustFoldItIn · 29/04/2021 10:23

I didn't insult her as a person

You did though. It sounds like a bit of a character assassination. Whether there was plenty of truth in what you said or not is beside the point. Some people take things like that really hard and can't come back from it.

Just accept it and move on. There are some friends you can be really honest with, have the odd fall out and patch it up with no hard feelings and there are others who you just can't. If they feel sufficiently hurt or betrayed by you they will walk away without a backward glance - no second chances. She's obviously one of those. Life is too short to spend with people who basically tell you they don't actually like you much.

Viviennemary · 29/04/2021 10:23

A lot of folk can't stand criticism even when they are 100% in the wrong. . You see it on here every day. But YABU in that you thought you could tear into her and she would say yes you're right. Move on.

Susie477 · 29/04/2021 10:25

You found her behaviour unacceptable and told her so. That’s your prerogative.

She thought your criticisms went too far, and retaliated by cutting you off. That’s her prerogative.

The friendship is over, and it’s time to move on.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:25

@CounsellorTroi

So? He’s the one with the marriage vows. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. It’s a stretch to make her responsible for his shitty behaviour.

Of course he’s responsible for his shitty behaviour. So is she. Doesn’t mean she’s doing nothing wrong.

What is she doing wrong?
Doghead · 29/04/2021 10:25

Jeez! Stop chasing drama. She doesn't want to be your friend!

5zeds · 29/04/2021 10:26

She’s allowed not to want to be your friend. Just as you are allowed to say I only want to be your friend if you change your behaviour. I don’t think either of you have done anything wrong.

Plumedenom · 29/04/2021 10:26

I think it would have already been a lot for one conversation to address not mentioning this man again. It may have already been enough to end the friendship, because it's probably the biggest thing in her life. I think then adding other negative behaviours into the conversation becomes too much for most people to take all at once and if she'd stopped talking about this bloke, the conversation woukd have naturally changed direction anyway. If she has blocked you everywhere I think you just need to let it go sadly. We need to tread delicately with our friends.

Hadjab · 29/04/2021 10:27

@Bluevioletindigo

I did not tell her she was selfish. I said some of the things she had done were. Such as never asking anything about me d being very dismissive of me. It isn't mean to say that.
An unselfish person will rarely engage in selfish behaviours - you told her she was selfish, regardless of how you framed it. Accept that the friendship is over.
merrygoround88 · 29/04/2021 10:28

Your friendship was incompatible - what has happened is likely all for the best

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/04/2021 10:29

This isn't ghosting. Your moral codes do not meet up withhers .
I have people I have been friendly with, often through work who have a different view to mine on fidelity. Their business but it means they are not friend material.

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:29

What is she doing wrong?

Are you serious?