Friend erased all traces of me

[Bluevioletindigo]

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

Cross posted with a few who disagree.

Anyway you didn't just tell her you didn't want to discuss the affair. What about the 'calling her out' on others stuff?

She didn’t want to hear what you said, unfortunately. I wouldn’t want to hear a friend going on about an affair either to be honest, so I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. However, she didn’t like being told this so I don’t think she’s anything wrong (with regards to ending your friendship) either.

Ok. I supported this affair for nearly 2 years and now I won't anymore, so be it.

Fwiw I think you did the right thing, I would do the same.

Move on.

Unfortunately you both have different ideas of what a friend is. You felt that it was important to let her know how you felt about her choices, she felt that friends just support each other regardless. These two things are not compatible. To be honest if you feel unable to support her regardless of her choices then you probably can’t be friends really.

“Confronted”, “called out” and telling somebody they are negative and selfish ( all from your own OP) isn’t going to endear you to your friend. Either way, she feels that you’re judging her and that you don’t think she’s been a good friend, it’s not surprising she’d prefer just to end the friendship rather than have to try to justify or defend herself. If you really would like to continue the friendship, give her time and space for a bit then try again when things have calmed.

But you gave her the choice.
She didn't choose you.

It sounds like a total assassination rather than just a firm, "You're my friend but I don't want to talk about your relationship anymore it makes me uncomfortable."
You said you confronted her about the relationship, constantly talking about herself, being selfish, being negative and called her out for some other things as well!

I don't think I'd be talking to someone again who accused me of all that either so I don't blame her.
On the other hand if you're right and it's all true then the friendship doesn't sound like a great loss anyway.

I didn't attack her entire personality, I just said mainly that the conversation was all about her and she had been quite negative and dismissive, that's what the calling out bit was.
But I also said there had been so many great times.
I do feel awful anyway

Sounds like you went too far. Its absolutely your friends perogative to end the friendship if she feels it isn't bringing anything positive to her life.

You need to move on.

She was asking me for advice about how to get the guy to lie to his wife, so I'm not going to say, yeah go for it, as it makes me just as bad

It's also my right to say if I am unhappy with something.

She sounds like a nasty person, you don't need her. Forget and move on

I think she is not a great loss TBH! She seems self absorbed and by telling you about this man she wants to offload her guilty feelings.Friendships work 2 ways and you should get a equal amount from it .Sounds like she just wanted a sounding board !

@Bluevioletindigo

She was asking me for advice about how to get the guy to lie to his wife, so I'm not going to say, yeah go for it, as it makes me just as bad

There is a massive difference between not supporting or advising on an affair and the absolute personal attack you made.

Yeah, I also think that it's the telling her she is "negative and selfish" that is the problem. That must have felt like you were attacking her personality (and I don't see how it isn't tbh). It's mean.

She's probably hurt about you not supporting her affair too, but that at least is understandable and an avoidable conversation topic. I couldn't continue talking with someone who told me they thought I was selfish and negative.

I never ever said anything like she had a bad personality or anything of the sort.
She had talked behind my back and stuff so I confronted her on that .

@Bluevioletindigo

It's also my right to say if I am unhappy with something.

Sure, but in that case it's also her right to tell you in return what she thinks of your personality.

Don't dish out what you aren't prepared to take!

What did you say when you apologised to her?

I did not tell her she was selfish. I said some of the things she had done were. Such as never asking anything about me d being very dismissive of me. It isn't mean to say that.

I'll be 100 percent truthfull, it's only easy to earse a friend if you never really liked them to begin with, I know form experience as I've completely deleted a friend from my life (she was considerd my best friend for 8 years ) over somthing so silly and not once have I missed her or felt upset by what I did, it's made me realise I've never liked her she was just there.

Her reply involved swearing, she's previously banned me from speaking about men yet expected me to talk about her man daily. Never once asked about my boyfriend or anything and I've supported her for years but one day I had had enough.

@Bluevioletindigo

Her reply involved swearing, she's previously banned me from speaking about men yet expected me to talk about her man daily. Never once asked about my boyfriend or anything and I've supported her for years but one day I had had enough.

No, what did you say in your apology message?

Anyway I probably should have said nothing but what's the option otherwise, ghost her?
I guess I'll have to deal with it anyway and I do feel awful

Personally I couldn't be friends with someone who was having an affair with a man especially when children are involved.

You said that you had already heard about it for two years already so you have listened to a whole lot more than I ever could.

She obviously wants people to just agree with her actions and not speak out and simply say I don't want to hear about it anymore. Basically sounds like she doesn't like anyone pointing out she is in the wrong. Usual from someone who is seeing a married man.

You spoke to her and told her and her reaction is completely OTT. I know it hurts especially after a long friendship but she has shown her true colours already by having an affair then completely cutting you off. Not a nice person at all. Also the fact you have pointed out that he just likes the attention will have likely triggered her as it is always the case and she has obviously built it up to be something else in her head as they tend to do. She obviously is happy being in fantasy land pretending the guy cares about her!