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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:55

I apologized if I had come across as harsh but that I was frustrated from constantly having to discuss this affair, constant texts from her about him saying what does this mean etc. And that I found it too one sided but I didn't want to lose her friendship and wanted to sort it.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 09:56

@Bluevioletindigo

I apologized if I had come across as harsh but that I was frustrated from constantly having to discuss this affair, constant texts from her about him saying what does this mean etc. And that I found it too one sided but I didn't want to lose her friendship and wanted to sort it.
I think if you said ‘I apologise IF’ it comes across as a bit Priti Patel. It’s a non-apology. Is your friend married?
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:57

Now I have gone as I said she is trying to engage other people in it.

OP posts:
DinosaurDigestive · 29/04/2021 09:57

Just saw she was also asking your advice on how to get him to lie to his wife!!

She brought you into it numerous times so you have every right to have said you don't want to hear it.

YANBU in my eyes

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:57

No she's single

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2021 09:58

You describe it has confronting and calling out, which sounds combative and aggressive. You can’t say you didn’t insult her personality if you also say you called her selfish. Either your OP was an accurate reflection of what you did or it was embellished because you thought people would automatically side with you because she was the OW.

You seem to despise her. She doesn’t need that in her life so she’s cut you out of it.

That’s more than fair enough.

DinosaurDigestive · 29/04/2021 09:58

Definitely sounds very one sided to me and it would have ended up becoming very draining receiving the constant texts asking what this, that and the next thing means!!

Like a lovestruck teenager

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:59

Over the years I had tried to confront her in minor ways, for instance I found out she'd been calling me names behind my back so I confronted her she apologised and we moved on, but I guess on this particular day I just had had enough, I know I was harsh though

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:59

I really don't despise her that's very OTT. If I did why would I care or still want to know her ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:02

Anyway this thread has helped me to recognise that I was likely too harsh so thanks to all.

OP posts:
Londontown12 · 29/04/2021 10:02

The problem is ! You have encouraged her to meet other people and not go on with the affair !
Unfortunately you can’t tell people what to do .
I think friends are their for help to listen ect but u obviously wasn’t happy you have told her this and she has then decided you are not her friend .
It’s hard but she has made her decision !

PricklesAndSpikes · 29/04/2021 10:02

You gave her your opinion of her, she gave you hers of you by blocking you. You can't complain that it didn't turn out the way you wanted to.

NeepNeepNeep · 29/04/2021 10:03

Don't feel awful. Sounds like you stood up for yourself. Is she one of these "if you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" meme posting people? Best rid. You didn't do anything wrong.

madmara · 29/04/2021 10:04

You are within your rights to express your feelings and she is within her rights to not like what she hears and decides she doesn't want to be friends with you.

She obviously thinks she hasn't done anything wrong and you can't change people so I think you need to make peace with it and move on.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:05

Yes i do agree if she wants people who will support and encourage her chasing that is her choice

OP posts:
Exhaustd · 29/04/2021 10:05

I can't believe some of the replies here!

OP, I think you were totally reasonable in not condoning the affair or wanting to discuss it any longer.

I would actually say that makes you a better friend than somebody who just nods along and tells her what she wants to hear.

Overall I think you are better off without her as the friendship was clearly very one sided.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:05

@Bluevioletindigo

No she's single
Is she gullible?
CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:07

Is your friend married?

What does that have to do with anything?

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:07

I'm sure maybe the friendship had just run its course as a PP suggested, it happens, I just cracked one day and I'm sorry for that.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:08

@CounsellorTroi

Is your friend married?

What does that have to do with anything?

Because she’s not the one having the affair in that case.
fuckyouRW · 29/04/2021 10:08

@AnneLovesGilbert

You describe it has confronting and calling out, which sounds combative and aggressive. You can’t say you didn’t insult her personality if you also say you called her selfish. Either your OP was an accurate reflection of what you did or it was embellished because you thought people would automatically side with you because she was the OW.

You seem to despise her. She doesn’t need that in her life so she’s cut you out of it.

That’s more than fair enough.

All of this.

OP, in your opinion, she's a negative, selfish home wrecker. Why do you want to continue to be friends with her? You seem shocked that she isn't at least grateful for you 'calling her out'. Hmm

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:09

I think it's also as I have been cheated on or left for someone else etc. Before and I really despise that sort of behaviour.
It really irritated me to hear her saying she doesn't give a fuck about his partner and calling her jealous and paranoid.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 29/04/2021 10:09

Yeah. You can't decide on her failings, dump them on her and expect her friendship to still be there waiting for you.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 10:10

I don't expect her to be grateful.
Not sure what posters on here would do? Just ghost someone?

OP posts:
fuckyouRW · 29/04/2021 10:10

@Bluevioletindigo

I think it's also as I have been cheated on or left for someone else etc. Before and I really despise that sort of behaviour. It really irritated me to hear her saying she doesn't give a fuck about his partner and calling her jealous and paranoid.
Yet you still supported her for 2 years? Confused
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