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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
SwedishK · 29/04/2021 10:29

@Bluevioletindigo

Anyway I think I've got the message from this thread and indeed I need to recognise that i can't expect her to want to speak to me again. It is sad but I still feel that I did the correct thing by speaking to her.
To be honest, I think you should forget about her. She was never a great friend to you and she is clearly not a very lojal and trusting person. you can do better.
SwedishK · 29/04/2021 10:30

*meant trustworthy

Gingerwhinger1 · 29/04/2021 10:32

Op what does this person bring to your life, from what you are describing she sounds pretty awful, even without the addition of shagging a married man and her total disregard for his wife.
She talks behind your back and won’t let you talk about your boyfriend, men that you like?
It’s difficult, but fun times can be found elsewhere with different friends, leave her in the past. Look at your relationship patterns and work on your self esteem, to attract some better quality friends next time round.

Biscoffontoast · 29/04/2021 10:33

I don’t blame you at all - I would have done the same - however, surely you can understand why she no longer wants to be friends? She has seen herself in a less than flattering light based on your comments and realised that you don’t like her very much. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who made me feel bad about myself and my choices. As I said above, I’m not criticising your reaction to her as I would have felt similar in your position, but I can understand why this would spell the end of the friendship from her point of view.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 10:34

Ignore the trolls, OP. You haven't been too harsh. If you stood by her for two years whilst she was engaging in an affair you sound like a very loyal friend. You've done the right thing. I'm sorry you've lost your friend. It sounds like that's her way of burying the guilt about the affair - she must feel at least a little guilt, don't you think? - to sack you off rather than face what is wrong with her current situation.

Just find some new friends whose morality is more in alignment with yours.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 29/04/2021 10:34

I didn't insult her as a person yet you said you addressed her
constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish. I would say thats pretty personal. However you got off your chest whatever you felt you needed to, which is fine. As is her now choosing not to be your friend. She doesnt want to be called out on her behaviour or work on your friendship.

ClawedButler · 29/04/2021 10:35

I get why you felt unhappy with the constant subject of conversation. But unless you are Mary mother of God, it's not really your place to "call out" someone's behaviour. Friendship is between equals, not one person doling out judgements on the other.

As PPs have said, you said what was on your mind, and that's your prerogative. But she has been hurt by what you said and made to feel like a child, and now doesn't want to come back for more - that's her prerogative and I understand that.

By the by, to my mind if someone is chasing a married man who isn't actually all that into her, it's because they have some psychological issues that need to be worked through. WHY does she need this particular validation? Strikes me that a true friend would gently try to get to the bottom of what's really going on, rather than pointing out All The Things You Have Done Wrong.

Fair play to you, though, you've come back on this thread and actually read the replies, and that can take a bit of gumption in AIBU Grin

Foodisascience · 29/04/2021 10:36

People have different moral compasses but it sounds like she was lacking one completely. I would have struggled to remain friends with her.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 10:37

The thing is op there is a way to deliver a message. There’s a way to say something without leaving blood on the table. It’s not so much what you needed to say but it seems how you delivered it. It was a lot of harsh truths at once. She’s ended the friendship due to the hurt it caused, just accept it and move on.

Notjustanymum · 29/04/2021 10:38

Her behaviour was distressing you, you explained why, she removed herself from your life.
Sounds like a win-win situation to me, OP: you dodged the further BS bullet.

Paddy1234 · 29/04/2021 10:39

I would have done the same

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:40

@CounsellorTroi

What is she doing wrong?

Are you serious?

Yes. What is she doing wrong?
CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:42

She’s seeing someone she knows is not free to see her. That’s wrong.

It looks like we have very different moral compasses.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:44

@CounsellorTroi

She’s seeing someone she knows is not free to see her. That’s wrong.

It looks like we have very different moral compasses.

So he’s the one who’s cheating then. She’s seeing someone, that’s all. She’s stupid to believe he’ll leave his wife or whatever, but she’s not actually doing anything wrong. If she refused to see him, would that be the end of it? Or would he just find someone else?
Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 10:45

@CounsellorTroi

She’s seeing someone she knows is not free to see her. That’s wrong.

It looks like we have very different moral compasses.

It is wrong to have that type of relationship with a married man and to keep it a secret from the wife.
Justanticipating · 29/04/2021 10:45

@Bluevioletindigo

Anyway I probably should have said nothing but what's the option otherwise, ghost her? I guess I'll have to deal with it anyway and I do feel awful
I think what youve done is commendable. Too many people don't call their friends out on stuff or will just ghost them all to avoid confrontation. It sounds like you've tried to be an adult about it and she's acted a bit childish about it.
SparklingLime · 29/04/2021 10:46

You can rarely change others’ behaviour, so your options were to carry on as it was, which sounds grim and was unacceptable to you, or risk ending the friendship. She wasn’t prepared to change so it’s probably inevitable that the friendship had to end. You may have been a bit harsh, but the ideal friendship with her that you wanted to achieve was never going to happen. She’s not that person.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 10:47

It is wrong to have that type of relationship with a married man and to keep it a secret from the wife.

Why though? Why is his wife her responsibility?

ForwardRanger · 29/04/2021 10:47

What did you imagine would happen?

yossell · 29/04/2021 10:49

You did the right thing, but you're being unreasonable to be hurt by her reaction.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 10:52

@Pumperthepumper

It is wrong to have that type of relationship with a married man and to keep it a secret from the wife.

Why though? Why is his wife her responsibility?

Are you being deliberately disingenuous?!
BertramLacey · 29/04/2021 10:53

I told her that I felt the conversations were only about her that I didn't want to support her affair, but that I wanted to resolve the friendship.

YANBU to call her out on the affair. YABU to give her a list of her faults and then expect her to resolve them in order to remain friends with you. Honestly, she doesn't sound like a very nice person from your description. But whoever and whatever she is, she's under no obligation to change so she can be friends with you.

Move on, OP. I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds as if this hasn't really been a friendship for a long time, if ever.

Daisyfloxx · 29/04/2021 10:58

@Bluevioletindigo

Not sure why so many people are attacking you - especially one person in particular.

Some people don't like being faced with the truth. If she can cut you off when all you've done is be honest with her then she is not a real friend.

I personally would prefer someone to be honest with me then just listen and tell me what I want to hear all the time!

Devlesko · 29/04/2021 10:58

You are better off without a friend who goes with married men.

Daisyfloxx · 29/04/2021 10:59

Also I am shocked by how many people think this woman is doing nothing wrong sleeping with a married man.... she knows he's married - that's wrong!

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