Friend erased all traces of me

[Bluevioletindigo]

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

Phoenix has it right I think. I think you reached breaking point over listening and advising for two years on behaviour you didn’t agree with or respect. Having had friends in similar positions they become very obsessed with the affair and it seems as if it’s all they can focus on. It’s because the affair behaviour is so unhealthy and self deluding that I think it makes the people involved in it start to take on those traits. There is no room for anyone else’s relationships angst because it’s just not as painful and all consuming as their situation. She will have heard the truth in what you said but in all honesty until she is out of the brain fog of the affair she is unlikely to see sense and get in touch. She knows she can’t stop talking about the affair because it consumes almost all of her day to day thinking so the situation between you is unlikely to resolve itself until she is free of it.

OP she sounds horrible. It sounds like she's done you a favour. Why on earth you want this self absorbed arsehole as a friend is beyond me. Let her go.

Some of the replies here are extreme and I'm tempted to think they're trolls.
Character assassination would be something like you're a bitch, you're selfish, nasty, you can't do anything right.

I suggested to her that as much as I enjoyed our conversation, I did not want to engage in this discussion of this man any more after doing so practically daily for 2 years. Talking ONLY about her, replying to essays about this man and having to analyse his texts and behaviour, opinions on outfits when she was going to meet him.
I was supportive and got zero in return.

You said:
She only talks about herself
She negative
Shes selfish
(+ you are judging her personal life and relationships)

Then you say:
I didn't insult her as a person (lol)

You attacked her (and yes it was a personal attack according to your OP) if you genuinely expected her to sit there and take it then your deluded

I do need to let her go though. I wasn't suggesting that she is unreasonable for blocking me everywhere, I guess I just didn't think and never thought it would end up like this but indeed she's within her rights to not accept what i say.

Once again, I didn't say you are negative and selfish.

Are you being deliberately disingenuous?!

No. What specifically is it that she’s doing wrong? How much responsibility should she take for someone else’s wife?

You were horrible to her and what you want is for her to apologise, mend her wicked ways and not think twice about the fact that you attacked her character. Life doesn't work like that. I'd cut you out of my life too.

@skirk64

I'd block you too. People don't need unsupportive "friends" around them. If you don't like who I am then why be friends at all? I'm not going to "work on our friendship" - life is too short.

^ This.

You've been judgemental and unsupportive. Why should she keeping you as a friend?

@Pumperthepumper

Are you being deliberately disingenuous?!

No. What specifically is it that she’s doing wrong? How much responsibility should she take for someone else’s wife?

What is she doing wrong? She is having sex with a married man.

It isn't about taking responsibility for the wife. It is about taking responsibility for her actions.

Oh give over. If you had any idea what she has said and done to me over the years.
I supported it for 2 years and I stood up for myself rather than ghosting which a lot of you seem to think is ok.

Come back here and tell me you'd happily have one sided conversations about this man every single day.

I guess I just didn't think and never thought it would end up like this but indeed she's within her rights to not accept what i say.

Yep, that's my guess too. You wanted to say your piece but you didn't think through how it might be received. I guess now you know and all you can do is move on.

Fuck that shit - she’s not a friend

Enjoy the peace and quiet, and reflect on how you let people treat you. You deserve better.

She doesn't sound like much of a loss.

It isn't about taking responsibility for the wife. It is about taking responsibility for her actions.

What responsibility though? Why is his behaviour her problem? If she refused to see him would he never cheat on his own wife again?

@Totalbeach

You were horrible to her and what you want is for her to apologise, mend her wicked ways and not think twice about the fact that you attacked her character. Life doesn't work like that. I'd cut you out of my life too.

The OP wasn't horrible to her.

The OP had supported her friend for a considerable period of time.

If you think the OP is horrible then you would think I am the devil, since I would point out to any friend sleeping with a married man behind the wife's back that this is wrong, right from the start.

But she has not ghosted you. She has just deleted you from her life because after all your criticisms about her life, she doesn't think you add any value to hers.

Move on.

Once again, I didn't say you are negative and selfish

Oh come on. Most people understand that how they behave IS them. That's why the old mantra of ' call out the behaviour, not the person' doesnt' work - not even with small children!

You sound like you just don't like her. Perhaps with good reason. But the fact that you just don't like large bits of her comes across clearly and it will have to her too.

She sounds awful, OP. You are better off without her.

She wants an uncritical audience because being involved with this man but not being able to actually have him is making her nutty. She just needs fresh people who are not exhausted listening to her. If she listened to herself a few years on from the end of it she probably would not believe how self absorbed and one sided she is being. That is the nature of wanting something you can’t really have it creates this sort of fixation. She has cut you off because some of your home truths have made her uncomfortable and think about her behaviour. She doesn’t want to look at her own behaviour because then she would have to examine her conscience about sleeping with a married man.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, but equally she’s not obligated to not take it on board.

I don’t think you’ve lost anything by her cutting herself out of your life. She’s done you a favour.

I had a friend do something similar to me, and it hurt and bothered me for a while, but now I can see the whole friendship was a massive drain and she took a lot without ever really caring about me or my life. I think when people have affairs they become so invested in the relationship to justify its illegitimacy, and consequently become pretty shit friends.

Apologies that I haven’t had the time to read the thread in full but just wanted to say that you have every right to share your opinion and to tell your friend how you feel about your friendship - of course you do. It sounds like this friend was upsetting you by what she was doing and you couldn’t stand for it so you asked her not to share. No problem whatsoever, because I would not be able to support a friend who was actively cheating either. Obviously your right to have a say meant you lost this friendship, which I guess you weren’t prepared for? But with anything like that, it’s a possibility. Grieve the loss of the friendship and move on is my advice. It sounds like this person was very self centred anyway and no one should put up with it a lifetime of that. Friendships go two ways and if you’re always the one giving then that’s wrong in my opinion. Take care and find better friends. :)

Why would she still want to be your friend?

So because we have a different viewpoint to you we're trolls? Right.