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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
GappyValley · 29/04/2021 17:24

@Pumperthepumper

That’s not how I read it.
Pp can’t judge her friend for what she gets up to when that behaviour doesn’t impact on pp directly.

So pp wouldn’t let something like friend being an OW cloud her opinion of friend as it’s not impacting on her.

I find it hard to believe anyone can live by that code.

Because you’re saying you would turn a blind eye to any crime as long as you aren’t the victim of that crime.

And that’s frankly disgusting

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:26

@Mittens030869

I understand the argument that the OW doesn’t personally owe you anything. But it’s still very selfish, when she knows that her actions are likely to cause a lot of hurt to other people, in many cases including young children.

And do you see it differently where the OW is a close friend or sister of her AP’s wife?

It’s not her actions though! It’s his actions that cause the hurt!

I don’t know if I’d see it differently if it was a friend or relative of the wife he was cheating with. I guess probably, because then it would involve a fair amount of lying directly to the wife by the OW? But I still wouldn’t see that as anything like breaking marriage vows.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:27

[quote GappyValley]@Pumperthepumper

That’s not how I read it.
Pp can’t judge her friend for what she gets up to when that behaviour doesn’t impact on pp directly.

So pp wouldn’t let something like friend being an OW cloud her opinion of friend as it’s not impacting on her.

I find it hard to believe anyone can live by that code.

Because you’re saying you would turn a blind eye to any crime as long as you aren’t the victim of that crime.

And that’s frankly disgusting[/quote]
Hang on, seeing a married man is an actual crime? Cheating on your wife is a crime? Is it?

GappyValley · 29/04/2021 17:48

@PumperthepumperHmm
You know full well I didn’t mean criminal offence

And a woman sleeping with the husband of another woman is very much causing hurt 🙄

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:49

[quote GappyValley]@PumperthepumperHmm
You know full well I didn’t mean criminal offence

And a woman sleeping with the husband of another woman is very much causing hurt 🙄[/quote]
This is exactly what you accused me of saying:

Because you’re saying you would turn a blind eye to any crime as long as you aren’t the victim of that crime.

Which is offensive. And it’s not her actions who cause the hurt, it’s his. If the OP’s friend was shagging someone else, would that hurt this guy’s wife? Or is she actually hurt because it’s her husband who’s doing the shagging?

GappyValley · 29/04/2021 17:57

I beg to differ

It’s their collective actions causing hurt. She is as much to blame as him

But you’re clearly in the ‘OWs aren’t doing anything wrong, they didn’t make the vow’ camp so there is zero point trying to reason with you

I0NA · 29/04/2021 17:57

@dottiedodah

I think she is not a great loss TBH! She seems self absorbed and by telling you about this man she wants to offload her guilty feelings.Friendships work 2 ways and you should get a equal amount from it .Sounds like she just wanted a sounding board !
I agree.
Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 18:00

@GappyValley

I beg to differ

It’s their collective actions causing hurt. She is as much to blame as him

But you’re clearly in the ‘OWs aren’t doing anything wrong, they didn’t make the vow’ camp so there is zero point trying to reason with you

She absolutely is not equally to blame for him pissing all over the vows he made to another person. And I doubt you even believe that, because it’s illogical.
GappyValley · 29/04/2021 18:02

Like I said, no point trying to reason with you. You clearly have a very dogmatic view on this

I wonder if it’s to absolve you of any responsibility of knowingly sleeping with married men...

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 18:07

@GappyValley

Like I said, no point trying to reason with you. You clearly have a very dogmatic view on this

I wonder if it’s to absolve you of any responsibility of knowingly sleeping with married men...

Nope. It’s because I’m not stupid enough to think a man breaking his wedding vows is anything like a woman seeing a married man. And I doubt you do either.
Mittens030869 · 29/04/2021 18:08

So are you saying that loyalty to friends or family members really shouldn’t matter and BILs/close friends’ husbands are fair game if you’re single? That the betrayal doesn’t matter because you didn’t make any wedding vows?

But it can’t be the case that breaking marriage vows is the only betrayal that matters, as unmarried couples haven’t made any vows to each other and no one is suggesting that it’s okay to cheat on your partner because you’re not married.

Reinventinganna · 29/04/2021 18:09

I would have done the same op. You did amazingly to put up with it for so long.

I couldn’t be friends with someone like that, it’s her loss.

GappyValley · 29/04/2021 18:11

Your theory is ridiculous

It’s not just about the breaking of wedding vows, which is why women cheated on in relationships without marriage are just as devastated by it as those who have had a wedding.

Cheating wrecks lives. The primary duty not to cheat lies with the person in the relationship but the OW or OM is clearly an absolute piece of shit human being to knowingly get involved with someone in a relationship knowing that it causes pain

There are plenty of other examples in life where there is an onus on someone to do the right thing and not trample over the feelings of others for their own gain. This is another one of them

Both parties involved in cheating are scum who cause pain

YellowGlasses · 29/04/2021 18:11

Why did it take you two years to say you don’t want to hear about her and a married man? Surely the first time it comes up you clearly say that and move on.

So you had a go at her for constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish. and for some other things that had happened. Are you really surprised she blocked you? You don’t come across as liking her anyway so whilst her actions might not have been acceptable, look at your own as well for the benefit of future friendships. There is a way to discuss things and it doesn’t sound as if you spoke to her in that way.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 18:12

@Mittens030869

So are you saying that loyalty to friends or family members really shouldn’t matter and BILs/close friends’ husbands are fair game if you’re single? That the betrayal doesn’t matter because you didn’t make any wedding vows?

But it can’t be the case that breaking marriage vows is the only betrayal that matters, as unmarried couples haven’t made any vows to each other and no one is suggesting that it’s okay to cheat on your partner because you’re not married.

I’m struggling to follow this, sorry. I’m saying if you personally have a relationship with a woman and then shag her husband, that’s a different type of betrayal because it will involve you lying directly to her face. But I’d still say his behaviour is worse because he’s breaking his own vows (or, I don’t know, ‘unwritten contract of fidelity’ that exists between non-married partners).
Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 18:13

@GappyValley

Your theory is ridiculous

It’s not just about the breaking of wedding vows, which is why women cheated on in relationships without marriage are just as devastated by it as those who have had a wedding.

Cheating wrecks lives. The primary duty not to cheat lies with the person in the relationship but the OW or OM is clearly an absolute piece of shit human being to knowingly get involved with someone in a relationship knowing that it causes pain

There are plenty of other examples in life where there is an onus on someone to do the right thing and not trample over the feelings of others for their own gain. This is another one of them

Both parties involved in cheating are scum who cause pain

So we’re now back to it being the responsibility of every woman on the planet to uphold his fidelity? Who is the OP’s friend cheating on?
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/04/2021 18:21

I don't think you were harsh at all. You didn't like certain things and you don't have to put up with them.At the same time she doesn't want to change.

She won't be who you want her to be and you can't give her what she needs anymore. So what's the point really?The relationship has changed and now has run it's course.

Mittens030869 · 29/04/2021 18:23

But I’d still say his behaviour is worse because he’s breaking his own vows (or, I don’t know, ‘unwritten contract of fidelity’ that exists between non-married partners).

You see, I wouldn’t say that the husband’s behaviour is worse, not if the OW is a sister or close friend. I’d say that they’re both are as bad as each other. Especially if the relationship between the OW and the wife is a close one.

When the OW doesn’t know the wife, yes she played a part in the affair but the wife is very unlikely to feel betrayed by her.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 18:29

@Mittens030869

*But I’d still say his behaviour is worse because he’s breaking his own vows (or, I don’t know, ‘unwritten contract of fidelity’ that exists between non-married partners).*

You see, I wouldn’t say that the husband’s behaviour is worse, not if the OW is a sister or close friend. I’d say that they’re both are as bad as each other. Especially if the relationship between the OW and the wife is a close one.

When the OW doesn’t know the wife, yes she played a part in the affair but the wife is very unlikely to feel betrayed by her.

Ah I definitely would. I love my friends but the person I married I have an entire life with. I’d definitely feel more betrayed by them.
FrangipaniBlue · 29/04/2021 19:18

@GappyValley

I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

So you would maintain a friendship with someone who had downloaded images of child sex abuse, or killed someone drink driving or defrauded old ladies out of savings?

Because none of those would impact on my life, other than making my skin crawl
As would knowing someone was chasing a married man

The thread isn't about someone who has committed a crime....... it's about someone having an affair - why on earth would you conflate the two Hmm
Sweetaddiction88 · 29/04/2021 19:21

Failing to understand some of the logic here. Op is poorly treated by her friend. Op confronts her about it, friend has done nothing wrong apparently and OP is horrible.

FrangipaniBlue · 29/04/2021 19:26

@Sweetaddiction88

Failing to understand some of the logic here. Op is poorly treated by her friend. Op confronts her about it, friend has done nothing wrong apparently and OP is horrible.
I suspect it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.......

As someone said upthread, why listen to your friend talking about her affair for TWO YEARS if it makes you uncomfortable?

You'd bring it up in the early stages and ask her not to talk about it.

But it sounds like the OP has actually engaged in conversation about the affair (listening and offering her opinion?)

Yes, her friend has been a bit of a shit but I also get a feeling the OP may not have been as nice as she thinks she was.

Two sides and all that.

MintyMabel · 29/04/2021 19:35

It sounds like you went for her first.

I agree. It’s one thing to raise a concern with a friend, but another entirely to tell them you won’t support them and don’t want to hear it.

I had a “friend” did this to me at a really shitty time in my life. I’m glad she showed her true colours and I didn’t waste any more time being her friend.

Neome · 29/04/2021 19:38

For some reason this has made me see secret infidelity as a form of bullying and that makes sense of why being friends with one of the bullies is uncomfortable.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 29/04/2021 19:46

What are you getting out of the friendship?

What does she wants out of the friendship?

She clearly only wanted someone to listen to her obsess over the married man and feedback about how to get what she wanted from him. If you won't do that then what use are you to her?

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