Friend erased all traces of me

[Bluevioletindigo]

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

You stopped having a friendship long ago.

Look at why you need/want her as a friend.

I was confronted yesterday by my friend. She was right to confront me but she went too far and has made some accusations that I want to defend myself against. I am seeing her this weekend.

I think she is a covidiot. I think she is too judgmental and lacks knowledge on things she thinks she is an expert on. A part of me wants to end the friendship because it seems too much effort. Is this friendship worth saving? I will speak with her and then decide.

I know she is angry because of bad things going on in her life at the moment. I don't know if that changes how I feel about how she talked to me yesterday. I feel hurt. She can't respect that I have very different ideas on masks, vaccines etc and keeps trying to force me to change my mind - so I avoided her.

We are very different people and I'm not sure we can resolve our differences. I don't want to lose our friendship but I don't think there is much left to save.

@GappyValley

I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

So you would maintain a friendship with someone who had downloaded images of child sex abuse, or killed someone drink driving or defrauded old ladies out of savings?

Because none of those would impact on my life, other than making my skin crawl
As would knowing someone was chasing a married man

That’s a mental comparison!!!! Having an affair isn’t a crime, your ridiculous examples are very much so 🙄

She absolutely is not equally to blame for him pissing all over the vows he made to another person. And I doubt you even believe that, because it’s illogical.

This this and this

@skirk64

I'd block you too. People don't need unsupportive "friends" around them. If you don't like who I am then why be friends at all? I'm not going to "work on our friendship" - life is too short.

So you expect your friends never to call you out on bad behaviour like chasing after a married man? If I was acting like a total dick I hope my friends would tell me and knock some sense into me! Good friends should be able to be honest with each other and have difficult conversations when necessary.

OP you did nothing wrong, it sounds like you tried to broach it as diplomatically as you could and she’s too self absorbed to do any kind of reflection. Not the kind of person I’d want to be friends with.

I think the married man discussions are a red herring. Whatever the topic, the ex-friend was very needy and the friendship was unbalanced.

I had a friend who called every evening as she drove home to offload every single thing that had happened that day. Punctuated by comments about the traffic. She did end with a "and how are you?" but it was very tedious as I'd be trying to make dinner/listen to the kids etc.

Somewhere along the way I learned about boundaries and realised I didn't have to endure these calls any longer. I stopped taking them, I'd respond with a "sorry can't talk right now" or similar. We did remain friends but on terms that better suited me. She also used to make quite snide remarks, like once when another friend was commenting "your house is so cool, I love arty houses", she said, "Oh Forward isn't arty, this is not arty. My friend Kora is an artist and this is definitely not an arty house!" and it was so odd and unnecessary and awkward for everyone. Wth does it matter?

So yeah I eventually figured out it was a boundaries deal and I needed to be firmer. And I think that's what you're experiencing here, that the friendship had become uncomfortable and you were unsure how to redraw the boundaries. When you did express your boundaries it went down like a lead balloon.

That's actually OK, you can do that and she can do what she's done, but it seems you wish it had played out differently.

It's kind of a win though because you have learned what you can and can't accept in a friendship which will be helpful for your other friendships. You might also have learned to set these boundaries sooner and that there may be less painful ways of addressing conflict.

You're well rid of her, although it doesn't feel like it now. Sounds as though it was very one-sided.

Lots of shitty comments on here, maybe their just like your mate 😁

God who needs a friend like her. She's not a good friend if all she does is talk about herself and bang on about the married bloke she's shagging. It's all about her. What a bore!

Good for you for expecting more from a friendship and attempting to set boundaries. If she's too immature and stuck up her own arse to see it and actually have a sense of self awareness then 👋 you did the right thing.

I absolutely accept that, in these situations, the married man is much more culpable than the single woman, but if she knows he's married/in a relationship, then absolving her from any guilt at all is absolutely ludicrous. They are complicit in someone else's misery and that all there is to it.
I would have much preferred my boyfriend to have been shagging someone I didn't know; I suspect I would have been mildly angry with her, wonder a bit at the strength of her moral compass, and be disappointed that she'd think it acceptable behaviour. Nothing more.
But when I found out it was a friend of mine, the betrayal was huge. And it wasn't based on the fact that 'she'd have had to lie to my face' - she wouldn't. It was mostly during Covid lockdowns and tiering, so I didn't see her then and haven't seen her since - even if I had she wouldn't have had to lie to my face, ffs. These are always lies of omission. But she knew me; knew my kids. Knew I wasn't a harridan, a bully, a neurotic, a withholder of sex. It was an enormous betrayal and I think she's an abhorrent person.

So you had a go at her for constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish. and for some other things that had happened. Are you really surprised she blocked you?...There is a way to discuss things and it doesn’t sound as if you spoke to her in that way.

Exactly. And that dump of her faults was on top of the affair stuff. Is there anyone here who could listen to that torrent of very personal listing of faults from a friend, and want to stick around them?

Even if all those things are true, she entitled to disappear to lick her wounds.

I have been friends with a woman who sometimes wasn't very good to be (in my late twenties).

I really liked her in many ways (funny, outgoing, worldly) but in some ways she treated me as being inferior to her.

I did eventually leave the friendship (had to ghost her as would never have been able to articulate the way she made me feel).

I still miss her! But I know it was the right thing to do.

I think you may have a similar epiphany that this friendship was no good for you, OP.

Unless I’m missing something most of the “shitty comments” or “giving the OP a hard time” are not saying it’s unreasonable to end a friendship over this (or any reason, really), but that it’s unreasonable to end a friendship and then take the huff because the friend is behaving like the friendship has ended.

@JeanClaudeVanDammit I think most of the shitty comments are about OP having the temerity to assert her boundaries.

But I do agree that once you tell someone a few home truths, the chances of them changing their ways but retaining the friendship are slim.

Why do you still want her as a friend OP? Life is too short to spend with self absorbed people.

Still would love to know what posters in the OPs situation would do, so holier than thou, are you suggesting that ghosting would have been better rather than trying to confront the friend?

@Sweetaddiction88

Still would love to know what posters in the OPs situation would do, so holier than thou, are you suggesting that ghosting would have been better rather than trying to confront the friend?

I’d have said something to the friend, clear in the knowledge that it probably meant the end of our friendship.

@Sweetaddiction88

Still would love to know what posters in the OPs situation would do, so holier than thou, are you suggesting that ghosting would have been better rather than trying to confront the friend?

I'd have told her from the off, that I wasn't prepared to hear anything about the affair.

What I would not do is tell her all the things I dislike about her. Apparently OP still wanted them to be friends, so ghosting doesn't come into it.

I'd have told her from the off, that I wasn't prepared to hear anything about the affair.

What I would not do is tell her all the things I dislike about her.Apparently OP still wanted them to be friends, so ghosting doesn't come into it.*

Good for you, but try to understand that not everyone has the luxury of knowing how to set boundaries. The OP has agreed she might have handled it differently. She is learning how to set boundaries and it is not an easy thing to learn if you were brought up with abuse.