Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

[Tiddleypoms]

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

Just be honest about your expectations. Tell her she's welcome but would have to abide by some house rules and you'd understand if she'd rather live alone and play music/have friends over lots/watch gogglebox in the living room etc.

What are her current living arrangements and costs?

Sell it like you've said - "move in for a week or two til we can find you somewhere- and we can lend/give you X amount towards it"

Just say it

Don't do what I've done and let DD and her boyfriend (whom I'd met ONCE!) move in for last 3 months.... (they're the same age as yours)

I might be digging the patio soon ....

Headphones and a TV in her room?

I couldn't day no to my dd if she needed to come home to save up,I'm really surprised you are even considering saying no tbh.

Can she have a TV in her room?

I could never turn my own child away.
Regardless of how different we were to live.
People can compromise. It’s your daughter

Honestly I’d try your hardest 🙈 she is your child. tv in her room, visitors outside only due to covid? Deleon your relationship you could say she’s welcome but you know how independent she is, how about local flats and you could help out xx per month for rent? I couldn’t make her feel I welcome though

Say yes, but make house rules very clear. All the noise and entitlement and guests and ownership of the tv? Nope,

Be a strong parent and welcome her with rules in place.

As a student she hasn't actually left home IMO. They are only at uni part of the year. I would bend over backwards to make it work.
How big is your home? Can you set aside a room for her to use as her living room, even if it means sacrificing a spare bedroom, dining room or study? I like quiet and had a headphones rule when mine were teens (DH as well).

God can never imagine feeling like this.
Youngest dd and her boyfriend moved in with us as they had to leave uni early.
How could she afford a flat?

Oh here come the guilt-trippers "oh, I couldn't
couldn't turn my child away"... As possible said, if you are happy to help with the costs offer that. Chances are she would prefer that too!

I can’t imagine ever turning away my own child. I’d understand if they were major criminals or violent or something, but jist “meh they might ruin my peace and quiet” . Nope.

What's guilt got to do with it?
My daughter can't move in cos I like gardening.
Awful.

I consider myself lucky to have had a 23yr old, a 20yr old and a 19yr old, home for lockdown. Of course it's been noisy but blimey, they're my kids. They will always have a home here.
Can you adapt the house at all? Convert the garage into additional living space or put a cabin in the garden?

Nothing to do with guilt tripping I just don’t get how any parent could not want their child at home.

I think most of us expect our dc to live at home for at least a year after uni while they find their feet. I think clear expectations need to be set out - dc is an adult and living at home will be different from when she was a child. Imo dc room would be her responsibility (I wouldn’t go in) but it needs to be clean enough not to get infested with anything or stink from outside - no mouldy food, plates, cups. I’d also insist on space on both sides. She will probably be out a lot anyway.

I like LaurieFairyCake's suggestion, it buys you time and it's kind without committing you. I can't say that I'd be thrilled either, OP. It's not about 'turning down your child', it's about maintaining a viable relationship with them.

Tv in her room and wireless headphones

I was simply saying that I know we are in different stages of life and that we would annoy her .. why not support her to live nearby financilly

.. ? That way she gets daily support if shw wants it.. her indepwndance and our own .. it seems win win ... it seems also an honest assessment of the sitiation.. in that shw knows full well we will annoy her after a few days . Its not because I like gardening.. !! It was just an example .

I can see where you are coming from totally, we have 4 children and now 2 are at University the house is so different. The younger 2 have their own space now and there is harmony in the house. My eldest and youngest clashed all the time. My daughter loves being social and being out so when she comes home she gets so bored so quickly as we live in a village with nothing to do anywhere near and none of her friends are here. She is used to being in her own now.

I get it. Maybe tell her she’s of course welcome, but would she prefer it id you helped her with rent for a flat so she maintains her independence? Suggest it as something you expect she will like? If she says no though, then just have her home but be clear re. Expectations.

For thosw suggesting we convert the garage .. we dont have one. We can support with rent but .. the suggestion .. buy a lodge .. some of you must live in a differnt world to us ..

What's wrong with watching Gogglebox??

I'd let her move in. Reassess it every 2 weeks and agree on a notice period if it isn't working for you. Set it all out for her to consider so she knows the rules, then it's up to her to either agree or rethink her plans.