Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

[Tiddleypoms]

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

I moved out before I left school. So maybe I'm biast. In the few years my friends were going to uni (total waste of time for 9 out of ten of them) I had a blast and learnt more about life than my mum could have ever taught me. I'm all for helping mine a bit longer but honestly on mumsnet 22 is the new 12 years old.

Hi op, I think it’s more than reasonable to question whether you want yr daughter to live with you. For other people to say they’ d bend over backwards for their grown up kids is daft- why? They’re grown ups! We generally do want to help our families if we can, but I don’t see why it has to be at the cost of our peace of mind or quiet life. I’ve always said to mine if you’re desperate ie, ill or broken hearted, always come to me, but just until you get yrself sorted out. Personally I think it s wrong to create and encourage dependency in grown up children, ultimately they will have to go it alone without us. It’s sensible to help them learn how to do that before they have to!
Also if you know that your relationship will suffer with the close proximity then why would you go ahead and create that situation? I’ d set a time limit on her stay. Or be very direct and say the tv is under your control and all the other things that you don’t enjoy about having her there. My eldest daughter and I friction when together for too long, but we both miss each other terribly during this lock down. We don’t live near enough to just pop round and wave at each other, so I haven’t seen her face to face in an age.
A flat nearby, could be ideal, lots of support and love but both can live how they want to!

Don't feel bad, just do what you feel is right. Everyones circumstances are different. To be honest, if you lay down the ground rules and stick to them she'll probably move on sooner rather than later. My elder two did !!

@BananaSplitX

My kids are young still but when they are older I would like nothing more than for them to move in with me. I moved in with parents after I finished uni and it was just amazing to be with my mum and dad. Life is too short and being with our kids (and parents) is to be cherished (IMO).

After I finished Uni I would have rather died than gone home to live with my mum and Dad. To describe it as amazing to be with your mum and dad is something I can't wrap my head around. I had an amazing time in that 20-25 period and no disrepect to them, but my parents barely featured in my consciousness. I was too busy learning, working, living in another country, having lovely sex and relationships, having huge fun with my friends. Life is too short, you're right, too short to spwnd your 20s living with the same people you lived with up until then

@KarmaStar

I couldn't day no to my dd if she needed to come home to save up,I'm really surprised you are even considering saying no tbh.

Why? The OP and her husband have done their bit. When do they get their own time and space?

I’ve put YANBU because that’s how you feel. I feel differently towards my children though and would welcome them back anytime. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion though

RTFT. Op and her daughter have resolved this.

I also don't understand the mn thoughts that adult dc should be welcome to be at home forever. So many stunted young people living in luxury with parents instead of slumming it. Having to struggle a bit independently creates desire and encourages grown up aspirations.
I'm glad ours were able to move out young. Their lives are so different to me and my dp's. We have lots of friends and hectic social lives. Our dc are much more homebodies than us. We'd probably annoy them by being up/out until all hours especially the dc who has a baby

Gosh she’s only 22! Only just an adult and already she’s out and not welcome back. Poor kid. Nice if you to help pay rent though.

It can be tricky but we lived with our 4 children snd their partners for a few years after they finished uni ! Luckily the house is big as they not only bought home partners but pets too at one point for about 18 months there were ten of us living here . It can get fraught but patience and understanding do go a long way on both sides and setting boundaries

I've always told my son that if ever he needed/ wanted to come home, his room will always be here for him. Even though I'm currently decluttering with downsizing in mind, there will always be a room for him.

I guess I'm lucky in that he's a quiet lad (can I really call him that at almost 25?), he shares many of his tv choices with me and any other programmes I know that he would happily watch in a separate room to me if I didn't want to watch with him. He's clean and tidy, is a good cook and would always be willing to help with household chores and looking after some of my needs due to my disabilities. As for setting house rules, I doubt that I'd need to but if there were anything I felt needed addressing, I'd be open and have a conversation with him so that we could deal with any issue(s) and hopefully avoid the need for 'rules'.

Not that my son has any intention of coming back home to live with 'mum', if ever he wanted or needed to come and stay for any period of time, I would be only too pleased to have him back!

Op I have a wildly different perspective on this and apologise if its been mentioned.

I've worked in many old folks homes and with my own family history I know how absolutely lonely and gruelling old age can be.

Someone quite fragile but needing help can go on for decades, people get widowed, get dementia.

I totally understand your post however, your needs are quite narrow at the moment, you like gardening, don't want a mess ect.
If your dd did see this as a slight... How would she feel in a few decades time if.. You or her dad had a crisis?
Life can turn around very quickly, we are born vulnerable needing help but that switches to independent living but then vulnerable Gain

Zenith bear, you can slum it and have a home where you can retreat too until your finally settled?

Nanny ogg, absolutely but be very careful of being fragile in old-age

Good heavens some people are so judgemental! Our job as parents is to make our dc independent. I would say something to the effect of 'probably better if we help support you in your own place' for a specified time. Or 'if you do come back we will need to set some boundaries, you watch gogglebox in your own room' (I hate that programme!) 'eat with us, entertain in your room, help with cooking' etc. We have had a dc come back for a while and it was fine but with one or two of our other dc it would have been problematic!

People are so judgy! ‘I couldn't EVER turn MY child away’. Well done you. It isn't always that simple and easy if you clash a lot of example it can end up doing more harm than good. Obviously, it depends on the relationship you have with your kids but it also depends on how long etc. If you have a great relationship then it's less likely to be difficult. I moved back in with my parents and it was horrific, they did it simply because they felt they should. We had all changed a lot and it was hard work. We all tried to meet in the middle but it didn't work. I will forever be grateful but I would never do it again. It will work for some and not for others. OP id be clear on the ground rules so she isn't under any illusions, it's sensible to think it through and be honest about it. People love to judge.

I hear you OP. We have had dd here for a year while she saves for a house (after her living out for longer than yours) and it's tough. She's good company but also untidy, she works hard (from home) so rarely does any chores to contribute. We did agree some ground rules before she moved in but sadly they've fallen by the wayside! I wouldn't hesitate to suggest her going into a young persons houseshare if you can afford to help her out with the cost!

I have a different cultural background which might bias my view here, but our children do not stop being our children once they go to uni/leave the house. My parents house never stoped being my house, and my house will always be my kids' house too. If they want to come back I hope i would always be happy and able to welcome them. This is the way with my parents. A family unit should be available forever.

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Op I have a wildly different perspective on this and apologise if its been mentioned.

I've worked in many old folks homes and with my own family history I know how absolutely lonely and gruelling old age can be.

Someone quite fragile but needing help can go on for decades, people get widowed, get dementia.

I totally understand your post however, your needs are quite narrow at the moment, you like gardening, don't want a mess ect.
If your dd did see this as a slight... How would she feel in a few decades time if.. You or her dad had a crisis?
Life can turn around very quickly, we are born vulnerable needing help but that switches to independent living but then vulnerable Gain

Thats quite a transactional attitude....you scratch my back and Ill scratch yours. And it's not like it's a written contract or anything. From experience I don't necessarily see a direct correlation between how well children and adult children are treated and their attitude to caring for their parents as their needs increase, quite the opposite in many cases. There are so many factors determining how that works - personality types, the expectations of the parents, geography, the quality of the relationship, the attitude of spouses and about a hundred more factors. We see here all the time scenarios where siblings raised the same take wildly different attitudes to their parents care, indeed where it is often the golden child who has been treated the best who behaves the worst.

My daughter came home to live with us after Uni so that she could save money for flat deposit etc.

We put a comfy chair in her room and a television. This was for her privacy as well as ours. Make the rules clear at the beginning and then there will be no misunderstandings later on.

One day she will move on and you will miss her about the house. Life is very short make the most of her company whilst you can.

@Myfriendsays

My daughter came home to live with us after Uni so that she could save money for flat deposit etc.

We put a comfy chair in her room and a television. This was for her privacy as well as ours. Make the rules clear at the beginning and then there will be no misunderstandings later on.

One day she will move on and you will miss her about the house. Life is very short make the most of her company whilst you can.

this.

We are still supporting three, one who's late forties. You get to a point where you just want them to go. We don't have much longer left and life is very stressful with her. We also pay one's mortgage and moved homes to help the other. I think we may have loved them too much. They often forget birthdays, get presents rarely etc.
It's so difficult to do the right thing. Kids all come different.

@1Endeavour2

We are still supporting three, one who's late forties. You get to a point where you just want them to go. We don't have much longer left and life is very stressful with her. We also pay one's mortgage and moved homes to help the other. I think we may have loved them too much. They often forget birthdays, get presents rarely etc. It's so difficult to do the right thing. Kids all come different.

That is very sad and reiterates what I said in a previous post, bending over backwards for our children, always being there for them, putting their needs first beyond when it's necessary.....it doesn't necessarily result in grateful adult children dying to return the favour when the time comes, it's just as likely to result in spoilt self-absorbed overgrown toddlers who are not even able to properly look after themselves, much less us. It does NOBODY any favours.

Well it sounds like you were glad she moved out. You downsized and possibly don't have the same space now in your new home. You live very different lives, she's young and likes socializing and is still possibly student like meaning messy. She might well need you right now and want to come home. All I'd say is don't be too cold with her, she is only young 22 is not old. You may not have the same taste's in things but it doesn't make her a bad person. Plus you are aloud to like different thing's. I have a pre university child of my own so I know what it's like and what they're like. Perhaps you feel almost like her get out clause, perhaps she is a person that gives up on thing's too easily meaning the changing of her university course. Maybe you just want her to stand up on her own two feet and one day she will, but she is just 22 not 42 so give her a little TLC.