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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:

waitingpatientlyforspring · 27/04/2021 06:12

I'm not sure downsizing while your child was still at uni was the best idea but you have so you work with it.

Be honest, rules in place, TV in own room, after 6pm it is you and DH's choice of TV in living room unless you offer to let her watch something. No guests unless pre-approved and she is to take an equal share of the house work/cooking.

Fieldsofstars · 27/04/2021 06:14

I can’t imagine ever being in the position where I would turn away my child.
Especially when that support would help them financially.

LynetteScavo · 27/04/2021 06:51

I would be miffed she wasn't completing her degree.

I would tell her she is very welcome, but also point out that it's probably best all round if she lives independently, and say you'll help her financially. She probably doesn't really want to live with you, but can't see any other options. I think your financial offers would swing things.

Although how long will you help her financially? You shouldn't keep paying out for her indefinitely- what if she changes her mind about this course? I have a 22yo and don't want to keep handing out money once they graduate. He's very welcome to live here forever, but he hates the noise of the family home so that's unlikely!

Templetreebalm · 27/04/2021 07:00

@Tiddleypoms

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?

Tbh you sound sensible OP and that you treat your DD like an adult and understand her needs/ life is different to yours and living together might not be the best option. All the guilt trippy " my child" people end up with adult DC who behave like teenagers as no one ever says no to them. My DD lives in her own house, she is horrifically messy and untidy and nope I wouldnt see her homeless but I wouldnt really want her living here.

Donotgogentle · 27/04/2021 07:01

“I think a truly strong and loving relationship is one where everyone knows their limits, where there is mutual respect and where you cam say what you think and even let each other down gently occasionally without it being the end if the world. I find the posters who proclaim how much they love having their children there, how they couldn't imagine 'turning them away' (in the rain no doubt with all their worldly belongings in a little brown suitcase), who seem willing to alnost debase themselves for their children....some of it seems quite like how you think about a very young child or where you are afraid of losing their love or where you think love means bending over backwards for them always and forever. I respect my parents as people, as adults, with minds and perspectives of their own and am trying to raise my children the same.”

I think this is a helpful way of thinking about it.

WeeDonkey · 27/04/2021 07:03

@HasaDigaEebowai

If she’s doing a sports course though then she’ll still be a student. How will she afford to pay rent? How much will you be helping her out?

This is what I was going to ask. Is it even financially viable for her to live elsewhere? When you say 'help' with the rent, do you mean pay it all? If not, where's the rest coming from?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 27/04/2021 07:03

my dd came home after her degree, she doesnt watch tv with us, she is in her room in the evenings.
she lives with us rent free while she saves to work abroad.
we have had to adjust but i would not begrudge her

Howshouldibehave · 27/04/2021 07:08

You said she wants to move in with you as she needs to save-that’s the bottom line here.

If you don’t let her, and instead she’s living in a nearby house alone, even if you give her money (will you be paying all rent and bills?) How much is rent near you? Will she be able to save? What exactly will she be living off? Do you get another loan if you change course?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 27/04/2021 07:19

a flat would be lonely for her wouldnt it?
how about a house share?

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 07:23

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time OP. You're prepared to pay for her to stay somewhere so you're providing support that way. It sounds like your DD needs to move into a flat-share and discover that not everyone shares her choice in TV and music and she needs to be respectful of that.

Burn0ut · 27/04/2021 07:24

@PinkCookie11

I could never turn my own child away. Regardless of how different we were to live. People can compromise. It’s your daughter

This.

ChubbyMsSunshine · 27/04/2021 07:26

I imagine she'll be delighted to have her parents contribute towards rent at her own place. As a young woman, that's surely preferable to moving back home?

Tell her straight but emphasise that what you're suggesting isn't even a compromise it's an upgrade!

daisypond · 27/04/2021 07:30

Perfectly reasonable suggestion, OP.
My three young adult DC (two students) all share one room when they come home/back from university. We only have a two-bed place.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 07:32

OP I think you are being sensible to think of the practical implications of your DD living with you full time and it's not as if you are refusing to help at all if you would help her get a flat.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 07:32

I would have thought she'd prefer that too.

Woodpecker22 · 27/04/2021 07:35

When I was 19 my parents bought me a flat at uni and then emigrated. I had no other family in the UK. I felt so rejected. I would have loved a flat local to my parents so I could have a bit of independence but still have support if needed.

sunshinesupermum · 27/04/2021 07:41

My adult DD while still living at home watched TV on her laptop most nights. Three of us (all aults) have been in a 2 bed flat with one living room, and it's very hard not to have disagreements. We reverted back to parent mode and she reverted back to stroppy teenager!

Your DD is 22 and while letting her stay until she finds her feet best thing you can do is help her find her own place (house share?) and become more independent whilst still studying. Best of luck.

sunshinesupermum · 27/04/2021 07:41

adults!! (Butterfingers)

TheUndoingProject · 27/04/2021 07:42

I wouldn’t turn away my child because I didn’t like the tv shows she watched. Compromise is good for the soul, you sound very stuck in your ways.

If she’s at uni where does she go for the summers? What were you expecting her to do if she didn’t find a job immediately after graduation?

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 07:47

@TheUndoingProject it's not just about the TV shows though. It's the messiness, constant need to interact and loud music being played. All perfectly normal for a young adult. The key thing here I guess is if we see a 22 year old as young or an adult.

I'd have lived in a tent rather than go back to my DPs at 22. They would have let me stay but it would have been joyless for all of us.

I'm really not in the throw your child out once they've reached 18 camp, but surely at the age of 22 they do need to stand a bit on their own two feet. In most cases after a failed uni choice the person would just need to get a job and get on with it. Here the OP is kindly offering to pay living expenses whilst the DD does another course. It doesn't seem much like tough love to me.

Howshouldibehave · 27/04/2021 07:48

Paying for a single person to live in a flat would cost a fortune in many areas-much more expensive than subsidising a student in a cheap area with 4/5 other students to a house-have you thought how much you would need to give her? Rent, bills, travel phone, broadband etc Will doing that enable her to save anything (as you said was her reason for asking to move back home) or not? How much could she save? What would she live on? If she’s getting a loan (another loan?) then will this not all go on rent?

If you have pots of cash and are happy to throw hundreds and hundreds of pounds her way every month, then brilliant-there’s no problem.

minniemomo · 27/04/2021 07:49

We have this, not perfect but I couldn't see her homeless. We have a plan for her to leave by October

ImInStealthMode · 27/04/2021 07:50

Paying towards a nearby flat sounds ideal OP, if everyone's happy with that. I moved out at 18 and have only ever been back for short periods when I had no other option (for example having returned from a job in one country and waiting to start one in another).

Families can love each other deeply yet still not want to live on top of each other as adults.

LemonTT · 27/04/2021 07:53

Who runs a social media poll on whether they should help their kid out?

Lovemusic33 · 27/04/2021 07:53

I moved back in with my mum when I was 20 after 2 years living away from home, it was awful, I think it lasted a month before I was looking for alternative accommodation, I ended up renting a property with by boyfriend (who ended up being my dh).

Although it didn’t work out for me moving back in I would always welcome my eldest back if she needed to move back after uni.

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