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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 23:29

For those throwing theie arms up re the ' rejection '.. it is not that at all .. i am looking at ways to meet all our needs .. and how to explore this. I think young people like to be indepwndant in lots of ways and its good for them alomgside being loved and supported .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 23:31

.. and for those suggesting its about gogglebox .. you miss the point quite a lot.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 26/04/2021 23:31

I cannot imagine my adult children wanting to move back home with all its restrictions. I'll help them as much as possible to fly the nest and fine for a couple of weeks but not much longer. Maybe til end of first degree if it's local at a push.

So no I totally don't think you are being unreasonable.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/04/2021 23:31

@Crystal90567

Op I think you havent realised that the world has changed. It used to be like your way but isn't any more.
Sorry, what now? How has 'the world changed'? And if the new way is where we are to eternally provide a home for our adult children AND declare it a joy and a privelege to boot then I think we need to change back. Honestly, when did young people get so bloody feeble, I couldn't wait to leave home and live independently even if it was in the scuzziest of places (and it was)
MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2021 23:33

@Tiddleypoms

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?
I think the majority of people who say this are parents to much younger children. Or just extremely laid back. I’m tidy and like the quiet, wipe had Ds and his GF stay for over a month recently and we live in a big house but boy was I relieved to see them off.

Many people enjoy the peace after their DC leave. It’s absolutely not as simple as setting ground rules. That in itself is making the person feel unwelcome. Most at 22 will say yeah, yeah and then carry on regardless.

Help with rent, be helpful about any choices etc but don’t feel the need to house her long term.

Pinchoftums · 26/04/2021 23:34

My mum and l would have killed each other if we loved together. YANBU

theleafandnotthetree · 26/04/2021 23:36

@Floralnomad

I can’t imagine a time when either of our children wouldn’t be welcome to live with us .
Well you are clearly an amazing mother, is that what you and all the other clearly superior folks want to hear. And you really cant imagune a time when your children wouldn't be welcome to live with you? That shows a spectacular failure of imagination!
Weonlyhavealoanofit · 26/04/2021 23:36

You are not rejecting your own child nor are you turning her away. You are being honest and realistic about sharing a rather small space with someone you love dearly, but who is radically different in her choice of lifestyle and interests. It’s a good thing that she’s her own person, she should be her own person and she needs her own space. You need your own space and freedoms. Have an honest chat about alternatives, it will save a lot of heartache and conflict. ‘ I could never turn my own child away’ mantra is a slogan. You are not abandoning anyone, you’re being sensible and honest about what will work and what won’t.

Mamanyt · 26/04/2021 23:37

Should you decide to allow her to move back in with you and DH, well ahead of time, you and DH need to sit down and come up with a set of ground rules...when company is allowed, what is allowed when they are there, when and how loud music may be played, and exactly what household duties she will be expected to take care of. You also need to tell her that if she does not comply, she will have to move out, and be ready to back that up. Make clear that you do not consider her a child, and that these things are reasonable for anyone with a housemate situation.

Merriwicks · 26/04/2021 23:37

Ultimately she is looking to save money. If you can helo her out with rent costs to save money, i think she would bite your hand off. I had to move home with my parents with a dh and dd. It was tough going, woukd have preferred my own house but circumstances didn't allow. Of course you wouldn't see hee stuck but adult relationships do work better when not under the same roof. This comes from someone who talks with her parents at least 3/4 times a day.
I would present it, of course you always have a place at our home. But if you would prefer to continue with some independence we are happy to help you with rent. Only condition attached is to visit us.
I know when i moved out and went back it drove me mad that i no sooner had set my cutlery down and my mum had it lifted and in dishwasher. It sounds like a similar relationship

PickAChew · 26/04/2021 23:39

Well, TV in her own room, for a start.

Stroller15 · 26/04/2021 23:40

Oh for goodness sake to the PP going on about 'never throwing their DCs out of their home'! YANBU accepting you and your DD have very different interests and that's OK and doesn't mean you love her any less. I think you sound like wonderful parents offering to help pay the rent on her own place. I would have loved living close, but still independently from my parents at that age. Perhaps just talk to her about it all to see how she feels. Lots of luck OP.

HasaDigaEebowai · 26/04/2021 23:43

If she’s doing a sports course though then she’ll still be a student. How will she afford to pay rent? How much will you be helping her out?

serin · 26/04/2021 23:44

Theleafandnotthetree
I didn't say everyone could afford to convert the garage or get a cabin for the garden.
OP stated she had downsized so yes, she potentially might have the money to do this. She also stated that she had the money to help pay for a flat.

Kapalika · 26/04/2021 23:46

Is she aware that you can offer to help with her own place whilst studying?

I came back for a year after university and couldn’t wait to move out again. All those questions and constraints of living at home. I’m sure my parents felt the same.

If I was in your position, and I had the money to help, she would live in her own place. You’re being hugely supportive. Really don’t understand mumsnet sometimes.

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 23:47

I wouldn't have wanted to live with my parents at 22 except on a temporary basis.

My children loved living with me and their dad, it was their home and still is in many ways but they are happy living independently which is as it should be; I like them not living here. Isn't that normal? Of course I'd always help them, and do if they need it, but they're grown up people.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 26/04/2021 23:48

If you're at university you haven't left home. If it didn't work out, better you talk to your parents about it.

OK rent a flat for her - I think it's both odd and enabling at the same time time, but who on earth has to discuss with their university aged children if they still have a place at home?

Saoirse82 · 26/04/2021 23:57

People being really hard on the OP, I was a bit of a nightmare in my early twenties, loved to party, made more than a nuisance of myself at home and made my parents life pretty miserable. I've always felt loved and supported and my parents offered to pay for me to move out, I never took this as me being unwelcome, I knew how much they loved me but our living situation was not working and I really don't think that you should compromise your well being for the sake of having your daughter at home. You sound very much like a loving mother and I'm sure your daughter knows how much she is loved and would probably prefer to have a place of her own. I know I did! I'm 39 now and still have a wonderful relationship with my parents. Just tell her how you feel, she'll probably agree!

theleafandnotthetree · 26/04/2021 23:57

@wasgoingmadinthecountry

If you're at university you haven't left home. If it didn't work out, better you talk to your parents about it.

OK rent a flat for her - I think it's both odd and enabling at the same time time, but who on earth has to discuss with their university aged children if they still have a place at home?

Yes but the OP's daughter is 22, not some callow 18 year old. She should be out the other side of Uni by now, not starting over. That is her choice and I don't see why the OP should have to pay the price for it. I think she is being very generous in offering to help out with rent
Anna727b · 27/04/2021 00:03

I think I would have felt a bit rejected at 22 if I hadn't had the option to move back with my parents. I think you sort of expect unconditional love from your parents to some extent if you have a good relationship with them and that that includes them accepting you back home if you are having a difficult time, although not necessarily for a prolonged period.

If you know you've previously had a hard time living together then maybe point that out and mention that she has to leave within three months and that you'll be supporting her to pay rent.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 00:07

@Saoirse82

People being really hard on the OP, I was a bit of a nightmare in my early twenties, loved to party, made more than a nuisance of myself at home and made my parents life pretty miserable. I've always felt loved and supported and my parents offered to pay for me to move out, I never took this as me being unwelcome, I knew how much they loved me but our living situation was not working and I really don't think that you should compromise your well being for the sake of having your daughter at home. You sound very much like a loving mother and I'm sure your daughter knows how much she is loved and would probably prefer to have a place of her own. I know I did! I'm 39 now and still have a wonderful relationship with my parents. Just tell her how you feel, she'll probably agree!
I think a truly strong and loving relationship is one where everyone knows their limits, where there is mutual respect and where you cam say what you think and even let each other down gently occasionally without it being the end if the world. I find the posters who proclaim how much they love having their children there, how they couldn't imagine 'turning them away' (in the rain no doubt with all their worldly belongings in a little brown suitcase), who seem willing to alnost debase themselves for their children....some of it seems quite like how you think about a very young child or where you are afraid of losing their love or where you think love means bending over backwards for them always and forever. I respect my parents as people, as adults, with minds and perspectives of their own and am trying to raise my children the same.
CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 00:09

Gosh, she's only 22. This seems harsh OP, just in case it might go wrong. Don't be surprised if as a result she becomes very independent and doesn't have much time for you as you age.

And if she has decided to leave university to do this course, presumably she is still a student so where has she been staying during the summer and other holidays?

FlorenceandPaul · 27/04/2021 00:12

YANBU

If I could afford to rent a place for my student dd and her boyfriend, who is stuck to her. I surely would. Not because I don’t love her. I love the bones of her but she needs her independence and after raising 5 children I need my own space. Me and DD get on much better when we are not top toeing around each other.

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/04/2021 00:15

My parents were the same, I was lucky that they were kind enough to let me live with them for a few months while I got myself sorted once, but we did start to get on each other’s nerves! I once asked them, hypothetically if I could move in to save for a deposit-they laughed at my joke and told me no, they would rather give it to me than for me to move in for more than two months, they kept their word and now I understand completely why they did not want dysfunctional, drunk and insane young adult me in the house for longer!

LemonTT · 27/04/2021 00:21

@Keepitonthedownlow

What's wrong with watching Gogglebox??
Exactly