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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2021 22:25

The OP has said We could help pay.

That sounds as if it would suit everyone, OP! You can all live the way you want. You could say she could come for dinner every night/most nights and that would be a way of seeing each other but not being on top of each other.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 26/04/2021 22:27

I'd have to say yes. DS and his gf asked this the other day - they've rented a house for a year but to save 10% deposit rather than 5 have asked if they can move in for a few months from August. Love my kids to bits - I chose to have them, and my home will always be their home.

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 22:28

Exactly hollow.. its about maintaning our relationship with her and supporting her whilst being honest that both she and us live differntly .

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2021 22:31

It's not a matter of not loving your kids, though, @wasgoingmadinthecountry. Sometimes the two parties just want to live in different ways. You can still love them to bits.

Standrewsschool · 26/04/2021 22:32

Boundaries and ground rules if she lives with you.

Ie. Music not loud, and quiet after 9pm,

Tv - can she get a tv for her room

Mess - allowed in her room, in communal areas she must keep it tidy

Etc

tv86 · 26/04/2021 22:33

I feel that my children would always have a home and be wanted no matter what.
I would set some house rules though.

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 22:33

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 26/04/2021 22:34

You downsized pretty quickly if she was still at Uni.

Scepticaltank · 26/04/2021 22:34

I would suspect she asked to move in because she thinks asking you to pay rent for her would be a step too far on her part.

My youngest asked to come back after uni and as soon as he got here I started talking about rentals, searching online, showing them to him, saying I can pay for this for you for 6 months till you are sorted. He jumped at it. I had taken the lead as he thought it was too much to ask for. He was gone in a couple of weeks and its all worked out.

MrsKeats · 26/04/2021 22:34

She's a student. That's why I would always say they live with you.

fightingirish · 26/04/2021 22:37

This is your child, be grateful you have her, and her you, compromise, your her Mam, prob the most important person in her life ( not that she will admit it) not all of us have that luxury, believe me relish it,

Viviennemary · 26/04/2021 22:37

Id say doing a sports course is not advisable at all. It is an industry with very long hours and poor pay. She needs to think again. I would more concerned about that than where she is going to live.

Nataliafalka · 26/04/2021 22:37

She’s only 22 and until now still a student. Therefore in my mind she’s still essentially living at home. Whilst I don’t really want my kids here forever i certainly expect them to be around through university and for the first few years after that.

ApolloniaVitelliCorleone · 26/04/2021 22:38

Your daughter needs you. Step up please. You will do way more damage if you don’t than squabbles over the tv ever will.

Nataliafalka · 26/04/2021 22:39

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?

Yes but she’s still very young. It is a bit of a rejection if your parents have essentially told you to piss off when you’ve not even started your first job!

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 22:39

22:34user1493494961
What do you mean by that ? Yes we did. We had to adjust out lifestyle due to income after I burnt out at work after being assulated in a work setting by a very ill patient. Does that info clarify for you ?

OP posts:
Workyticket · 26/04/2021 22:39

I wouldn't op - my brother has been staying with our parents since Christmas and things are strained. They're all used to living their own ways - his house can't go through the solicitors quickly enough for all of them

PinkCookie11 · 26/04/2021 22:40

I would feel very unwanted if my mum suggested me to live somewhere else

Justmuddlingalong · 26/04/2021 22:40

She's lived independently while at uni. Come and gone, did what she wanted, when she wanted. If she wants to move back home, because it suits her, she needs to bend, not her DParents.

headlock · 26/04/2021 22:42

OP, I think you've explained perfectly and can see where you're coming from. Your daughter may well jump at the chance of you helping her out with a flat nearby. Good luck.

Stirmecrazy · 26/04/2021 22:42

It’s difficult we have our DS back with us at 23 and I love it but we have the space and I understand everyone’s circumstances are not the same. She has asked for your help for a particular goal so she can save money while doing a sports course so I would support her as much as I could and if that means living at home I would let her if I could and you have the room but maybe set some ground rules on behaviour you expect. Presumably if she is as unhappy about the situation as you say she will be she won’t be around for too long but I am sure she will appreciate the support now and it is always nice to know someone has your back if needed. Also it may not just be the financial support she needs but emotional support particularly if she is taking a risk with doing this course.
Maybe sound her out and put both options on the table . Financial support for own flat or move in and see which one she prefers

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 22:44

@KarmaStar

I couldn't day no to my dd if she needed to come home to save up,I'm really surprised you are even considering saying no tbh.
She isn't coming home to save up, she wants to leave uni and come home to save expense while she does a sports course.

The op says that she and her husband have 'downsized' so their house is probably not big enough for three adults to live together comfortably. Their daughter needs a place of her own so she can live her own life without mum and dad in the next room. It wouldn't be unreasonable to point that out to her.

If she was desperate and destitute it would be a different matter but she isn't at the moment.

Don't forget, mum and dad are prepared to pay towards costs of her renting somewhere.

(I wish I'd had parents like that.)

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 22:45

She knows We love her . This is not rejection , but workimg out what is best for all of our relationships . She wd be welcome to come everyday. When at uni we often took her shopping for essentials, visited if shw felt low, took her out for treats , bat h cooked food. Alongside this we also thinking whats best for all .

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 26/04/2021 22:46

YANBU, OP.
Your DD is 22 not 12.

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/04/2021 22:48

OP to all those people saying have her but set boundaries/ground rules - would she stick to them if you did? Or would she expect to be able to do what she wanted when she wanted?