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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 28/04/2021 13:34

That's brilliant OP and your solution suits you and your daughter and your situation. There is more than one way to love and support our adult children, it is arguable that had you taken to heart some of the posters here you would have risked damaging rather than benefiting your relationship. There is a really long continuum between throw them out at 18/move to the other side of the world and 'they can move back in whenever they like and for as long as they like'. It is up to everyone to work out what suits their family and each member gets a say, it is not solely based in the childrens needs

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 13:46

great news OP 🌸

billy1966 · 28/04/2021 13:49

Great, practical update that will work for everyone.

She's lucky to have you.
Flowers

Mudandrain · 28/04/2021 15:10

I would be devastated if my parents hadn't wanted me back home after uni. As others have said, she hasnt left home if she is at uni. Doesn't she come and visit during the holidays? Say yes. She is your daughter. She won't want to live at home forever.

Mudandrain · 28/04/2021 15:12

Just read your update. Glad you sorted it. She just needs to know there is always a place for her if she needs it.

Piglet92 · 28/04/2021 15:15

Would it be possible for her to have a caravan on your drive?

toconclude · 28/04/2021 16:05

@PinkCookie11

Nothing to do with guilt tripping I just don’t get how any parent could not want their child at home.
Because parenthood is about equipping the child for independent life. What, our kids should stay with us at home until we die? Ridiculous notion.
Bearnecessity · 28/04/2021 17:23

to conclude... I don't think there is need for that level of animosity...

The caravan option provides her with a home base at low cost from which she can be home- based .It is not comfortsville so likely she will be motivated to save and upgrade for full independence when she is ready...

It would also save on wasted rent money and living costs thereby speeding up the process...

It does lack curb appeal but that is short-term...

Sammiesnake · 28/04/2021 17:33

You’d honestly rather your own daughter doesn’t live with you because of her TV tastes and her liking music on?! I just can’t understand where you’re coming from at all to be honest. You’re her mum, regardless of age - your home is her home surely?

Sammiesnake · 28/04/2021 17:34

@Mudandrain well there isn’t always a place for her, clearly Confused

Howshouldibehave · 28/04/2021 17:38

I don’t really get how this helps her to save, which was the reason you gave for her wanting to move home.

Will this allow her to save?

Alis25 · 28/04/2021 17:54

I love my solitude but I’d never want one of my adult children to feel they haven’t got a home with me if needed. Of course I’d have certain expectations of their behaviour but they know that already. Really your response now depends on what kind of relationship you want with her in the future.

karenjkayjay · 28/04/2021 17:58

She’s still your child, can’t she have her tv in her own room? She probably wouldn’t want to sit in with you both anyway! I would never turn my children away if they wanted to move back home

Bertiebiscuit · 28/04/2021 18:09

Either say no as there isnt room in your new place - or if you say yes tell her how much rent and bills money you will be wanting each week and what the rules are about housework, loud music, shopping, etc etc - you can't be a cheap doss house at this point-she shouldn't count on using you to save money any more

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/04/2021 18:10

My mum helped me out with rent when I was 18 as we drove each other nuts! I’d had a baby and the dynamics didn’t work, both of us trying to be ‘mum’. She also had one of her dgc staying with her for a while for uni, along with a boyfriend, then again helped them rent locally, as especially with lockdown people just needed their own space. So I don’t think your suggestion is unfair at all! My ds left for uni, and may or may not be back for the summer - along with his girlfriend - and I think that will be an adjustment for both of us as he’s got used to living independently. If he wanted to move home permanently I wouldn’t turn him away, but I’d certainly want to explore all the options, and need to lay down some ground rules.

CheltenhamLady · 28/04/2021 18:39

So you downsized whilst she was away at Uni? Did you not retain a room for her to come home to?

Uni is a term time arrangement, surely she still has a home with you?

All mine came home for holidays and came back after uni to live before they moved on at their pace. Yes, we had days that were fraught, but on the whole, we loved having them with us.

BananaSplitX · 28/04/2021 19:09

My kids are young still but when they are older I would like nothing more than for them to move in with me. I moved in with parents after I finished uni and it was just amazing to be with my mum and dad. Life is too short and being with our kids (and parents) is to be cherished (IMO).

Quincie · 28/04/2021 19:22

Nothing to do with guilt tripping I just don’t get how any parent could not want their child at home.

Bluddy hell is 22 year old a child - snowflakes or what?

fairycakes1234 · 28/04/2021 19:28

@Quincie

Nothing to do with guilt tripping I just don’t get how any parent could not want their child at home.

Bluddy hell is 22 year old a child - snowflakes or what?

your child will always be your child, doesmt matter how old you are : why are you describing people as snowflakes?? Because they like having their kids at home?? Strange
hedgehoginthebag · 28/04/2021 19:41

Help her find a house share. I moved back in with my parents to do a post grad in my early 20s. Even though I lived in an outbuilding, the experience of one of my depressed/controlling parents broke my life apart and even now they have died, i'm still very hurt. The fallout changed my entire career destiny and i now look back and wonder how it all came about.

Maggiesfarm · 28/04/2021 20:14

@CheltenhamLady

So you downsized whilst she was away at Uni? Did you not retain a room for her to come home to?

Uni is a term time arrangement, surely she still has a home with you?

All mine came home for holidays and came back after uni to live before they moved on at their pace. Yes, we had days that were fraught, but on the whole, we loved having them with us.

The op has explained in some detail the reasons behind downsizing; It was necessary. Of course her daughter still has a bedroom there but the house is not very big for three adults to peacefully co-exist on a long term basis.

However it seems as though they have sorted out what they are going to do and all is well.

Ahardyfool · 28/04/2021 20:21

I don’t think this can be a YABU/YANBU. You feel how you feel and there’s nothing wrong in wanting or needing space for your own relationship at this stage in the lives of your offspring. I’m at a similar stage now and have given my all to my 4 children. I’m ready to reclaim my life and home as my own. I equally understand (but do not really empathise) that others fee the need to keep a room for their children to return home as adults - as much for the needs of the young person as their own assuaging of separation pain perhaps.
The only thing I’d have to disagree with is offering to pay or solution the alternative. That could look a little too much like trying to palm her off with cash or solutions and could come across as desperate to get rid! Support her but let her figure this out and also come to the adult conclusion that, yes, you would irritate each other - possibly to the point of souring the good relationship you currently have.

Endoftether2000 · 28/04/2021 20:29

Totally not being unreasonable and glad you have both found the perfect answer😘

MiriamMargo · 28/04/2021 20:36

Christ so many sanctimonious perfect people out there !

Localocal · 28/04/2021 20:40

I think saying no would be very hurtful and de-stabilising for her. She isn't in a position to make a home of her own, being still a student, and needs to feel your house is still a home. I would let her stay. She will ant to move out as soon as she is able anyway.