Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

[Tiddleypoms]

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

I think that’s a lovely idea if you will pay for a flat for her nearby. I think she will be over the moon, I’ m sure she just didn’t want to ask you for a handout. If you can afford it it’s the perfect solution she can be nearby and see you loads but hang out with her friends without crowding you out. It’s not at all rejection it’s a great plan and really kind of you.

@Tiddleypoms

For those throwing theie arms up re the ' rejection '.. it is not that at all .. i am looking at ways to meet all our needs .. and how to explore this. I think young people like to be indepwndant in lots of ways and its good for them alomgside being loved and supported .

But you aren't meeting her needs. You haven't even explored them in your posts. She wants to be at home and she wants to save. You're suggesting she move elsewhere and that will impact on her ability to save. She may be using money as an excuse to come home. Lots if students have struggled with isolation and MH issues because of the pandemic. You write as though she's an inconvenient lodger. Does your DH feel the same way about your DD? It's surprising for two parents to be that dismissive.

In the perfect world of the 1990s our children go to Uni / College..get a brilliant degree/qualification,get a job ,mortgage and come home for holidays and Sunday lunch !! Now it is so different and our expectations should move on ! Our children now have a much harder struggle to be independent!
So yes your daughter might have to come home..welcome her and set boundaries..she will be fine and enjoy being her Mum for a little bit longer.💕

@dottiedaisee

In the perfect world of the 1990s our children go to Uni / College..get a brilliant degree/qualification,get a job ,mortgage and come home for holidays and Sunday lunch !! Now it is so different and our expectations should move on ! Our children now have a much harder struggle to be independent! So yes your daughter might have to come home..welcome her and set boundaries..she will be fine and enjoy being her Mum for a little bit longer.💕

Not trying to be facetious but she's had 22 years of being her mum and will continue to be her mum. That doesn't mean she has to live with her! I agree that our children have it harder in some ways but they also have some very unrealistic expectations of living standards which previous generations generally didnt have unless from wealthy families. And we have undoubtedly spoiled them

Ok, so I have reread your initial post you would help pay for the flat not pay for it entirely so it would impact her ability to save if she was going to live at home rent free. I think talk to her, I think that at 22 she would find it hard to move back home and you find the idea of accommodating her in a smaller house tricky. If she is expecting to pay you a small amount of rent anyway and you can pay enough to make the flat come in at about the same cost to her then I think most 22 year olds would prefer their own space. I don’t think you would upset her by sounding it out.

@Tiddleypoms

.. and for those suggesting its about gogglebox .. you miss the point quite a lot.

😂😂😂😂

How is paying for a flat for her going to make her independent? If you are paying part of the rent will it honestly leave her enough to manage on if she is still training? And how long will you pay towards her rent, indefinitely? How can you afford that while living on such a tight budget?

All these posters who would take their kids in at any time for any reason, I suspect have big enough homes to do so. OP has (eventually) made it clear that due to unforeseen circumstances, she and her DH had to move to a much smaller home while DD was away. That's going to make it much harder for everyone to have their privacy/do their own thing without irritating each other.

We expected our kids to come home (albeit not for too long) after uni. Jobs were hard to find, and we reckoned they'd need a few months at least to find their feet and their own places. But we were in the same family home that they'd originally so it was easy enough. When my daughter and her partner split up, again, she came back (at my suggestion) while she saved and looked for her own house to buy.

But if it had been in a very small house, it'd have been tough. We'd all got used to our own lives and our own space in the meantime.

Let her stay but she has to agree to some house rules beforehand. Tidying up after her self, cooking a couple of times a week, not leaving crap everywhere,

I can’t speak for your DD I know, but if a flat is really possible without comprimising her ability to save too much I would be so so happy and relieved. It’s just after the freedoms of living alone and coming and going as you please it’s a hard transition go backwards.

The OP hasn’t suggested money is tight just that space is tight.

OP mine are 22 and 25 and have just gone back to uni having been here since before Xmas. DS has had stints living with friends/more independently but boings back like a boomerang. DD graduates this summer and has decided on a gap year pre post grad. I suspect ds is increasingly unlikely to come back permanently.

As unpalatable as it sounds it works because we have a large house and very large garden. They would drive me nuts if we had one reception room and a kitchen and were under each others' feet. You are doing the right thing, being pragmatic and very kind to help with rent.

Good luck

You are not unreasonable at all. In fact, not only you are being practical but it will go a long way to keep your relationship without resentments.

I've lived it with my oldest. He moved home after uni and we lasted a month. He thought home was his apartment where he could do and live as he wanted without much consideration for the people living in the house. After a month my DH told him straight out - he needed to move out. Music blaring, friends in the house all the time, most of which were strangers to us. He would be awake half the night and sleep in the morning, the problem is my DH had to wake up for work at 6.00 and my youngest had to be ready by 7.30. We were all grumpy and the relationship deteriorated.

We helped him with an amount of money to find an apartment and it was up to him to start looking for a job and go to uni part time for a post graduate degree.

Being an adult is making difficult decisions. You have the right to live your retirement in peace and quiet after raising your kids. She is 22, not 12 as someone said. Help her with money to find a flat but let her become an adult and take control of her own life. She will love you for it one day like my son did.

Let me get this right. Your DD has given up on her uni course without completing her degree? She did not have the backbone to stay the course after all the money you have paid out to help her and expects you to still support her financially while she tries something else?

No way, Hosea!

My parents never paid or sacrificed a penny piece so I could go to uni or to qualify in any profession. I did it myself and it made me a harder and a sharper person.

Its a bloody hard world out there and she needs to learn to stand on her own feet now.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

How is paying for a flat for her going to make her independent? If you are paying part of the rent will it honestly leave her enough to manage on if she is still training? And how long will you pay towards her rent, indefinitely? How can you afford that while living on such a tight budget?

The girl will be living independently as far as she can, as she did in uni, with parents' financial support, which isn't unusual at 22.

If the op says they can afford to support her, I think we must accept that they will stretch themselves as necessary. It won't be forever.

I didn't have the choice, after furlough then redundancy I had to take my adult child back, or they'd have been on the streets. The upside has been I get help with cooking and they do own laundry etc. If Im honest I brought my children up to look after themselves but these are really strange times. If you really don't want them to return I think you need to talk to them. Can you put a time limit on it? Say 6 months or so? It really depends on your own relationship with your grownup children.

You clearly do want to make her feel unwelcome. You aren't doing solitary activities with your Dh there anyway. Welcome your daughter and let her come home, she's not left if she's a university student.

I wonder how many of the guilt trippers on here actually have children in their 20s! Mine will always be welcome in an emergency, but to return permanently, no, they are adults.

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont you look forward to time with your dh and your own persuits.. ?*

It's highly unlikely your DD is going to be in all the time and interested in watching you, so surely you can get on with your own pursuits?

Wireless earphones are an easy solution to TV and music noise.

It seems your DD went to Uni at age 18 and wants to come home. So she's not been hanging around you getting under your feet for years.

I suppose if you all agree then yes you can pay for her flat.

But your post put me in mind of a friend of my DM's who did similar and now elderly, moans she & DD aren't close. I can't see why they would be, if you don't want your DCs around they know.

& that's fine, as long as there's no sense that they somehow owe you time and company further down the line in your later years.

"Sell it like you've said - "move in for a week or two til we can find you somewhere- and we can lend/give you X amount towards it""

I think this is the best option.
I lived at home for the first 2 years of university, couldn't afford otherwise, which severely limited by "student experience". But for the 3rd year, I moved away for 7m to do a work placement. One of the hardest things I ever did was to move back home after that 7m of living independently! That last year of university, living back at home, was pretty hellish.Having to go back to saying when I would be in, whether I'd be in for dinner, what did I want, not being able to have friends over whenever, not being able to go out where or whenever - argh! My parents weren't over controlling, it was just - difficult.
As a consequence, my first job after university was far enough away that I couldn't possibly live at home, and I never did again for any length of time, even after I split with my fiancé - I stayed on in the house there until I could get a new one (he left to be with OW) rather than move back home.

So I totally understand - it's not that you don't love each other, it's just that it's very different once you've been out and independent, to readjust to living back in your childhood home.

When we first moved over to Australia we had to stay with MIL for a bit while our house was made ready - fuck me, that was almost as bad - she was better in that she wasn't always wanting to know stuff about where we were, what we were doing etc., but it's just that loss of independent movement that grinds on you. I'm sure she felt the same! And it's probably a trite saying but it's been said many a time in my circle - two women sharing the same kitchen can get very tricky! (has proven to be the case in many situations).

So yeah - let her come back for a bit and then help her find her own "pad" where she can come and go as she pleases and do whatever she likes without you needing to know about it.

@CaraherEIL

The OP hasn’t suggested money is tight just that space is tight.

I think she has said she's on limited income.

I can understand why you are not keen and I think it's fine to say no. At 22, she should really focus on getting a job and supporting herself. She can still save and study, but it will take her longer. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I think it's a good idea, OP. My DSis lived with my parents for a year after uni and their relationship never recovered- she's been low contact now, with visits on birthdays only, for close to a decade.

You’ve mentioned you’re on a low income. How exactly are you going to pay for a flat? You’ve said you will help - but what - by paying for all of it or some of it? Not sure where you are - but let’s say a one bed is £700 a month. Are you planning on paying that? Plus deposit etc?

Am assuming as she’s been at uni that you’d daughter doesn’t have a job nearby. It’s not exactly a great jobs market at the moment.

Have you actually thought through how it will work.

She sounds like a brat. I lived with my mum after uni but always respected her rules and paid rent.

Is your husband her Dad? What does he have to say about it?

I couldn't ever turn my daughter away, especially not at 22 it's a really awkward time. She's just starting out in the adult world and would be virtually destitute living in a flat whilst working part time/studying.

Can you not let her move in for a month, give her boundaries/a tv in her room and see how it works out?

Always let her know she can come home, you never know one day it may save her life.