Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

[Tiddleypoms]

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

22:48Feedingthebirds1 she wd stick to the rules at first and try to but her experince of living as she wants would mean eventually she find it wanes and that she resented and felt restricted ...

... of course we would bend .. etc .. but what am saying is she may struggle to surrender her living indepwndantly status !

When you say “leave uni degree“ is she quitting uni rather than graduating?! You are totally within your rights to tell her she can’t live at home but I think you should have had this conversation much much earlier. If she’d have known, might she have even stayed at uni?! The thought of quitting uni to live at home is very different to the thought of quitting uni to live in a flat alone.

Seems we all come from different places. My oldest is 27 now - she wouldn't even have to ask to come home (not that she will as she is self sufficient and a home owner with her bf with enough savings for 2 years of not working).

I guess we have room which makes the difference, but no, I have not been waiting for dh and me time all these years - we've got on with it. My life has not been on hold waiting for my children to move out. And as for no music after 9 and quiet gardening time ... not me thanks.

I won't be giving up my fairly big house anytime soon - I very much appreciate given dh's gaps in employment that I'm really privileged to say that. I'm an only child from a rather dull and restrictive but well meaning upbringing. Glad for them that my kids have moved away (17yo excepted) but there is always a home for them here, even if they and partners all turn up at once. May result in me drinking more gin though!

Flat nearby sounds like a good option, unless you're in a position to move somewhere big enough for 3 adults to share.

Leaving uni mid-degree is maybe less advisable. It'll be hard to get further student finance in the future. It's worth her exploring whether she could transfer subjects or from full time to part time or take a year out with a view to returning in 2022 or so.

Actually, that's it. It's "our" house - "our" family home.

She's 22. I bet she will thrilled at the prospect of you helping her get her own place!! What 22 year old doesn't want independence and a place to live the way they want to?

It's a side issue, I suppose, but what degree is she currently doing, and how much longer has she got to go? If she's halfway or more, I'd be encouraging her to finish it. Even if it's an area she no longer wants to work in, she'll still learn valuable skills and it will demonstrate to potential employers that she sees things through once she starts them.

Hi TiddlyPoms.. To me it sounds like you are a fantastic parent who is pragmatic and realistic about your two very different lifestyles. You don't come across as remotely distant or judgmental. In fact to me it seems that because you value your relationship with DD so much - that you have this huge dilemma.

I think your DD will prefer this option if you are able to help with the cost.. after all , her reason for moving back was to try and save.

Ignore all the ridiculous.. ' I would never turn my child away' comments. Don't forget that this is MN where kids come first .. well into adulthood. That any parent who puts their life and relationship before indulging the dcs every whim is nothing short of neglectful.... no OP . You have the right to a peaceful life.. (I have 3 x 20 somethings , one is back living with me post Uni but it works, because she is incredibly respectful of my quieter lifestyle . If this hadn't of been the case I would of suggested the same idea you have.

I think you're perfectly reasonable to say no (with love and if you can, financial support).

I find it really weird how we insist adult children in their twenties mustn't be left to fend for themselves. I'm only 31 - so it wasn't that long ago, times haven't changed that much - and everyone I know moved into their own homes (houseshares and rentals) after uni. The odd person stayed with their parents in between jobs/houses/relationship breakups for a couple of months but there definitely was the expectation that once you've moved out, you've moved out. Quite a fair few of my friends were youngest children whose parents moved to Spain, NZ, Oman and other places once the youngest went to uni. I didn't think it was that unusual and none of us considered it to be some kind of heinous parental neglect.

Fair enough if you want to and can comfortably have your adult children living at home, but they are adults - expected generally (notwithstanding other issues) to look after themselves.

We have dd home from Uni because of COVID. She has changed so much since she started Uni, and her need for independence and her own stuff (all her kitchen stuff, her craft stuff, and so on) which she had been using at her Uni flat, is now lodged in boxes dotted about the house wherever they'll fit. She wants to cook for herself and her bf, but we're in the kitchen cooking..... she wants to watch what she watches and we want something else. It's frustrating and heartbreaking tbh. She's only been away for

Op I think you havent realised that the world has changed. It used to be like your way but isn't any more.

Therocinante I'm 35 myself and my friends and younger siblings etc were all the same as you. No one moved home in their 20s/30s except for emergency stints between flats and the like. Dh cousin had to move home briefly after a relationship break up age 27, she lasted less than 2 weeks back at her parents before taking up a friends offer of a spare room in relief

OP I’m in my late 20s so not as young as your daughter but I would have jumped at the chance if my parents offered to support me with renting a place if it helped while studying.

Would another alternative be to chat with her about trying both options? Setting some ground rules for living at home, test it out for a month or 6 weeks. See how you all feel and then reassess is a separate place might in fact be better? So it’s a decision made together - you never know, you might be surprised living her at home. But equally there’s another option on the table?

Fucking hell. Imagine turning your 22 year old down! Absolutely no wonder so many posts on MN about awful parents!

And why would her liking Goggle Box affect your life?? Get another tv! Who watches tv these days anyway??

@serin

I consider myself lucky to have had a 23yr old, a 20yr old and a 19yr old, home for lockdown. Of course it's been noisy but blimey, they're my kids. They will always have a home here. Can you adapt the house at all? Convert the garage into additional living space or put a cabin in the garden?

Because everyone has 10 or 20 k just lying around to plough into changes to a house that might only be needed for a short period of time.

I think you’re being given a hard time OP! Clearly you love her and you are not turning her away at the door, you are simply thinking about what’s best for everyone and your ongoing relationship with each other. Offer to support her with rent and she might jump at the chance. Package up your offer nicely “if you lived with us we wouldn’t want music on all the time and we don’t like mess, I’m worried we would nag you and fall out and it doesn’t seem fair to curtail your independence now you’re an adult. How about instead of you living with us, we help you with rent on your own place nearby?”

Is she an only child OP, are you concerned about setting a precedent for a sibling to do the same?

I would in your position OP. She may get used to you paying her rent though!

Our DD is 24, still living at home and drives me mental. I’d love for her to move out but we live in the South East and she had to commute to Uni as her maintenance loan did not come close to covering her accommodation costs and she’s in a very good, but entry level, job in London and there’s no way she can afford to live there even in a house share, or afford commuting costs and rent here, so we’re stuck with her for a few more years until she can increase her salary which with Covid is not looking good.

If you can afford to help her, I’d definitely do it. This generation is totally fucked with housing costs with wages not keeping up. It’s like having overgrown toddlers as they do stay in the parent/child mode while still living at home. It’s a subconscious thing. My mantra is ‘this is why kids are supposed to leave home at 18’.

@KarmaStar

I couldn't day no to my dd if she needed to come home to save up,I'm really surprised you are even considering saying no tbh.

I'm thinking the same! I'd hate to think my parents wouldn't want me home because they'd rather gardening and didn't like Gogglebox (the horror!)

@Tiddleypoms

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?

I agree with you OP, much better to be realistic and gently up-front than back here in 6 months tearing your hair out because you're driving one another mad. Now that really would damage your relationship. And my children are cheerfully aware that once they are in their early 20s, I expect them not to be living with except as you say, in some sort of emergency scenario. And FWIW, I don't consider saving money on rent to be an emergency scenario. As for having boyfriends and girlfriends move in....I wouldn't even consider it

serin exactly ! Plus we dont even have a garage. We also live in a national park.. you cant even add a loft room or change a window .. without appliciations that can take years.. a lodge in the garden ... we are talking a lot of monet we dont have .. some folk have no idea what its like to live on a limited income in a small home.. that does not have things like garages .
As for our income the dc know we wd aleays help and that we consider it family money not our money.

I can’t imagine a time when either of our children wouldn’t be welcome to live with us .

@FortunesFave

Fucking hell. Imagine turning your 22 year old down! Absolutely no wonder so many posts on MN about awful parents!

The op hasn't turned her down. She would just prefer her daughter to live in a flat nearby and would help her financially; she will suggest that.