I can see you are busy doing stuff involving sharp knives and hot things

[EastWestWhosBest]

and are really busy but I’m going to stand here and witter on about something you really don’t care about and get in your way. Oh look, here is a YouTube video about it.

Oh and here's a really funny meme which you won't get because you have no interest in Warhammer, but I think it's hilarious so you should look and I will explain it at length.

Oh, I see you met my child!

Oh does my DP live in your house too?

My 8yo does this. To be fair though, she spends at least 90% of her waking life chattering (plus a good proportion of her sleeping life!).

DH likes to tell me important stuff while Ive got my hands full (and then moans I don't remember him telling me about X work trip or Y thing....)

I can't tell if your describing my 3yo DS or my DH. Cos their both as bad as each other.

Sorry. Off topic but does anyone else freak out whenever anyone is chopping and chatting/looking up on TV? I always think they'll lose a finger and it makes me feel (not envy)

& I can see that you're concentrating counting out and putting my medication into the right pill box sections for the next 2 weeks but let me just waft something of no interest in your face (FIL).

@Figmentofimagination

I can't tell if your describing my 3yo DS or my DH. Cos their both as bad as each other.

Was about to say same, though the child in our case is 14.

Yes, please describe the 2-hour stream you watched on Saturday. Describe it in perfect detail. If you could also fill me in about how the...fandom...reacted on Twitter, I’d be grateful. Thank you.

Oh and here's a fact about the Belgian goalkeeper from the 1984 World Cup team. And who is better, Messi or Ronaldo? Can you guess how many goals Messi has scored in the Copa America in total? I just opened a FIFA pack that cost 10000 FIFA points and got Fuckbender, a German centre-mid for Bollocks FC who now plays for Shite United since his ankle injury of 2017.

Not 5 minutes ago: I can see that you are lifting up a really heavy carton of rice and are pouring it into the storage jar, very carefully so we don't get eight million rice grains all over the floor, but I want you to look at the new grinder I have just unwrapped. (DH)

And then I'll go upstairs and shout to ask you a question so that you instinctively follow me to ask what I've just said.

‘What do you think would happen in Puerto Rico became a state in its own right?’ Erm, whaat? This roasting tray is hot and I just need to crack on with making Sunday lunch if you don’t mind!! (DS16).

I will live in a dark cave, laughing at people on the Internet. I will say nothing, nor interact with anyone, until you say goodnight at 9ish. Then, and only then, will I want to talk to you in great detail.

And I’m going to talk to you and follow you round the kitchen getting in the way of the sink, drawers, oven etc (my DH)

I will constantly ask you when tea is ready, standing in your way while you deal with boiling water and hot oil.
Then I will magically disappear when tea is actually ready and you won’t find me anywhere

See I assumed everyone would think I was talking about an 11 year old rather than a 47 year old man, but no, you too have been blessed.

‘Oh are you chopping something? I’m going to hug you now.’

Let me describe two different people to you, with the same first names and explain why they are both alike because of their names and then get cross with you because you are concentrating on work and not following my inconsequential and convoluted thread about people you do not know and I have not seen for 15 years......

@TheMoth

I will live in a dark cave, laughing at people on the Internet. I will say nothing, nor interact with anyone, until you say goodnight at 9ish. Then, and only then, will I want to talk to you in great detail.

Oh yes, this sounds familiar.

I can see you have several things on the go and the toddler is having a strop/poo/accident, but I want to do this intricate project that will involve time, materials, and a skill you know nothing about. DD10.

@BettysCardigan

Oh and here's a fact about the Belgian goalkeeper from the 1984 World Cup team. And who is better, Messi or Ronaldo? Can you guess how many goals Messi has scored in the Copa America in total? I just opened a FIFA pack that cost 10000 FIFA points and got Fuckbender, a German centre-mid for Bollocks FC who now plays for Shite United since his ankle injury of 2017.

I have a 12yo DS. That was very triggering for me.

I'm so sorry @MsVestibule mine is only 8 so I have many years of suffering to endure.

As I type this he is literally shouting facts through the bathroom door at me. I am in here under the guise of showering.

My DS: oh you're in a MS Teams meeting with your boss, and bosses boss? Perfect time for me to share with you this TikTok video of a cat looking like it's kissing a gerbil then

My DH: you appear to be preparing the evening meal for our household of five. Here, let me physically be in front of every single exact fucking drawer, cupboard or worktop that you need to access at any given point. Happy to help.

I will be completing an unremarkable online task such as choosing lightbulbs or filling in a form about something and require your attention in the other room at the exact moment you know I’m elbow-deep in dirty washing up water or chopping onions or halfway through mopping a floor and not understand why it’s not possible for me to ‘just give you a sec/just check this’ RIGHT BLOODY NOW ARGH.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ the amount of times I say “mommy’s hand are busy”.
DH now answers to “mommy” which is saving my sanity.

I do realise that you've asked me several times today if I would like to do some craft or spend some time together, but I'd like to do that now, five minutes before you cook tea, please. Oh my god, you never want to spend any time with me. You hate me, don't you.