I can see you are busy doing stuff involving sharp knives and hot things

[EastWestWhosBest]

and are really busy but I’m going to stand here and witter on about something you really don’t care about and get in your way. Oh look, here is a YouTube video about it.

I have so enjoyed reading this thread ,the wit of the posters has made me laugh .

But niggling at the back of my mind I'm wondering at the resilience of those who put up with such thoughtless behaviour from their partners .
I hope the partners have redeeming qualities .I'm afraid that I would view such mindlessness as just selfish .

Men, this looks romantic in films but it pisses women off no end.

It's also exhausting having to suppress the inner Dexter that rises in response to such stupidity and inappropriate attention.

@EastWestWhosBest

See I assumed everyone would think I was talking about an 11 year old rather than a 47 year old man, but no, you too have been blessed.

‘Oh are you chopping something? I’m going to hug you now.’

Ah, I see you live in my house! Pop the kettle on, there's a good chap.

Look at this trade! Should I accept? SHOUTS FOR TWIN SISTER should I accept? I don't know what to do.....oh they've changed their mind....why why why why why why?????? My life is over....

Ahhhh I see you are brushing your hair, an activity that involves you waving a plastic thing around from front to back. Best I hug you now from behind, let’s hope I don’t get whacked in the head.

I can see you're listening to The Archers. It's a 12 minute programme. So I will wander in 8 times to tell you a) the archers is on 4 days a week b) I'm just passing through don't turn it off c) I'm doing the washing up (dumping stuff in the sink) d) the garden is greening up nicely e) Spurs are playing tomorrow f) hope we can have a bbq soon g) I must phone Dad.

then...

I'll hear you sigh with relief as I say "just going for a poo" then just when you press play I'll pop my head back in the kitchen and in a stage whisper hiss "can you make gravy to go with the roast beef" as I can see you stirring the gravy you're already making.

I can then act affronted as I wasn't trying to disturb your listening.

@BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda

Sorry. Off topic but does anyone else freak out whenever anyone is chopping and chatting/looking up on TV? I always think they'll lose a finger and it makes me feel (not envy)

Yes me. That Behind Her Eyes thing on Netflix - she was chopping away while gazing into space and I was cringing. I’d have chopped my fingers!

@clary

Not had time to read more than the first few posts but can I add:

I will retire to my room when I see you are making dinner and sit there with headphones on. When you shout up the stairs that dinner is ready, I will fail to hear, then when I finally do, I will yell "WHAT" in an outraged voice. How dare you have the temerity to cook and serve me a meal? Especially when I spent the 30 minutes before you started muttering "what's for dinner?"

This is exactly, EXACTLY what happens at my house every day

@peridito

I have so enjoyed reading this thread ,the wit of the posters has made me laugh .

But niggling at the back of my mind I'm wondering at the resilience of those who put up with such thoughtless behaviour from their partners .
I hope the partners have redeeming qualities .I'm afraid that I would view such mindlessness as just selfish .

I'm sure the dh's referred to here do have redeeming features, @peridito - mine definitely does. And I guess the children don't need to have redeeming features (although I am sure they do) because a) we are programmed to love and forgive them and b) putting them in a barrel and nailing it shut is generally frowned upon.

@CandyLeBonBon
Oh hello mum. I see you’re on your bed with a cuppa and a novel, and you’ve got 20 mins before you have to do yet another school run.
This is the perfect time to show you 30 pictures of masks hanging on the washing line that I had to take for my mate for her photography exam because she hasn’t got a washing line.
Which one do you think is the best?
Scroll scroll
Oh have you got to go now? Ok doesn’t matter cos Chloe’s on call to me now.

A daily routine in our house.

Hello! I'm back from work, I'll just leave my work safety boots behind the door, just like you ask me not to do every bloody time, because you won't be able to open the door wide enough to get the pushchair out of the front door tomorrow when you do the nursery run because there's a big pair of safety boots between the door and wall. I do love the sound of you throwing them angrily towards the shoe bench on the other side of the door.

Let me tell you all about my day while you're cooking, so I can stand in front of the fridge, then the tins cupboard, then the pans cupboard. Oh look there's a baby trying to climb your leg while you cook. What's that you say, you're just about to put it on the table? Perfect time for me to go and spend 20 mins in the toilet.

Oh look the baby is shouting to come out of the highchair and needs her face wiped. You want me to take her out while you finish your tea because youve been helping the toddler scoop and encouraging the baby to eat something? Huff huff I'll just have to put my phone down then.

[Son shouting through from 3 rooms away:] Muuuuum... I know you’re juggling a roasting tin of hot fat and a steamer of boiling veg but come in here NOW and look at this HILARIOUS paused still frame of Beast Boy’s face mid-sentence where he looks like he’s sticking his tongue out!

Me: Errrrm NO!

Son: But it’s HILARIOUS! Just come and LOOK!

Me (slamming hot pan down and storming into front room): “HA BLOODY HA! DO NOT CALL MY NAME AGAIN FOR THE NEXT HOUR OR I WILL HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!”

...(5 mins later) Son: “Hey MUM! You’ve just GOT to look at this! Look what I built on Minecraft!”

Me: FOR FUCK’S SAKE! [opens wine box]

@AlCalavicci

Can you open the door for me Just push it No , you need to open it for me Push it Cant Ok there you go the door is open now I dont want to go through it now

Look there is the street bully can I go out and play with him ?
No
Please
No
I will climb out of the window
No you hurt yourself last time you did that
But I want to play out
You are the street bully thats why you can not go out

Look there are BIRDS on the road Look look look BIRDS !

I want food
You have food
I want different food
You have two different foods there plus some treats
I want different food
Tough

I know it is 3 am but i want to play with your hair
Stop it
ok I will play with your toes
(Yelp ) get off !

I will talk to you continuously despite you not understanding a word I say .

Why are you opening that cupboard ?
For a pan
Can I look inside ?
No
let me get in ,
No
To late I am in and wont come out until you go to shut the door and hit me on the nose at which point I will run off screaming like i have had my head smashed in

All thanks to Dcat

😊

Oh, you've just put your key in the lock.

We'll just put our tiny, fragile and very expensive to fix bodies right in front of the door you're trying to open.

We're now going to stand in front of you and shout that The Man has neglected us all day and never, ever feeds us anything, ever.

Oh, you managed to get in. Perhaps you didn't hear us the first 30 times. We're being starved to death. How can you close the front door, hang your keys up and take your facemask off when we're literally dying here? And now you're taking off your shoes and your jacket? How can you be so callous? Perhaps if we shout a little louder and do a little Bozita Dance (like a rain dance, but we don't like rain), you'll understand how critical our situation is right now?

Ah, you made it to the stairs. Quickly, follow us and view the desolation of our malnutrition. Oh, that, that's - that's - that's quite nice, actually. Oh, but you're walking towards the corner where the unopened Bozitas are stacked up. We like those better, so if we box you in and shout a little more, perhaps you'll get the idea that WE HAVEN'T BEEN FED FOOD EVER.

Hang on, just got to come in and use the Little Box of Evil if you're going to be in the bathroom at the same time. That's better. Now, where were we? Ah yes, we're hungry. We'll stand in front of the bathroom door so you can't move further away from the Bozita stash. OK, you can't actually get to the Bozita stash because we're in the way, but that's your fault for not feeding us sooner. Or ever before.

[30 seconds after additional foodstuffs are placed into the bowls and I'm slumped on the sofa]

Nah, not really hungry now. Stop expecting to drink that cup of tea and talk to The Man, we need you to listen to our day whilst we leap all over you and dig our pointy bits right into your thighs.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Not thank his - thank heaven for lockdown.

He doe Kitchen Standing too:

Look how helpful I am being. What do you mean, it’s not helpful to put things you’ve got out because you will need them soon - you aren’t using them now so I will put them away or shove them in the dishwasher.

What do you mean it’s not helpful of me to clean the worktop Right Now, before you’ve finished cooking - and don’t I get bonus points for knocking over the carefully made jug full of sweet and sour sauce (using the last of several vital ingredients, so it cannot be easily remade)?

Shades of my (very dear) autistic friend

Let me stand in your tiny kitchen as I want to watch you make my coffee. I will just stand in fron of the cupboard where the mugs are, then stand in front of the sink whilst you attempt to fill the kettle and now I will lwan against the hit of worktop that is in front of the drawer that has the spoons in. Oh look, a piece of paper with a note you wrote yourself. I will just pick it up and read it and ask you about it and then fiddle with the oven gloves and put them back where you don't put them but it looks nicer there. Whilst I do this I may randomly start cleaning your sink with the cloth that isn't used for cleaning the sink and telling you in great detail about something that happened mid-week that you have no idea about, which involves a lot of jargon that you don't understand.
What makes it even better is if it is a weekday afternoon so that DH then joins us for some more cupboard blocking and general getting in the way before DC drags themselves away from the TV and stands in the doorway to tell us about the day at school which now we are all talking about something else is vitally important and must be conveyed with as much repetition as possible plus a degree of random interpretive dance, jumping up and down and arm flailing as there are hot drinks.

My DH: you appear to be preparing the evening meal for our household of five. Here, let me physically be in front of every single exact fucking drawer, cupboard or worktop that you need to access at any given point. Happy to help.

^^^ I have one of these 😄

"I will say something to you in a quiet mumble, even though there is a lot of background noise that means you will be unable to hear me unless I speak more loudly than usual. You will then ask me to repeat myself as you didn’t hear, so I will then repeat myself in the same quiet mumble.We will repeat this process two or three times more until I lose my temper and shout and enquire if you are deaf.

I will be completely unable to speak to you above a quiet mumble, unless of course you are making a perfectly reasonable request of me, at which point I will shout at you."

I thought that was 11 yo DD for a minute.

I can see you have just come off a lengthy call and seem tired. Your last words to your colleague were something along the lines of "I think we should break for the day as I'm certainly not making much sense any more." Clearly, what you really need is to review my entirely unrelated work in another field and tell me what you think John, who I have mentioned once in passing, is likely to add to the document.

The sooner we're back in our respective offices, the better...

PS can this please go in Classics?

From a far distant bedroom "Muuuumm"
"What"
"Muuuuuuuum"
"What"
"Muuuuuuuuuum"
walk towards the child's room because he obviously can't hear "WHAT!"
"Never mind"

Oh, I see you are waddling awkwardly up the narrow hall towards the cupboard where the bog roll resides, let me get out of your way by walking backwards slowly in front of you whilst stopping every so often to glance at you to see where you are going and coming to a standstill right in front of said cupboard.

When told to fucking shift, claim "how was I supposed to know what you was doing".

50 year old man.

Sorry, missed the part out about my knickers being around my knees and my bare arse sticking out while waddling.

I got up about 45 minutes before you did, but I'll happily wait until you're putting packed lunches together (which it never occurs to me to do) and the kids are having breakfast before deciding to unload the dishwasher.

I can hear that dd is talking about and doing her homework, so I'll talk over her about pensions.

Oh, so you're absolutely knackered from work and can hardly speak, much less assemble coherent thoughts.

Despite having been at home for two days, I'm going to wait until 7pm to sit down in front of you and inform you that I haven't a single idea of what to do for dinner and it is your responsibility to make a decision on what you want us to eat, provide a comprehensive shopping list using your psychic abilities to predict what is in the shop and instruct me how to prepare and present it. And I'm now going to say I'd rather have pizza. Which you don't like. I'm going to sit here in silence, waiting for your instructions because I don't want to get pizza wrong and waste food and I've already forgotten what you said before I brought up the idea of pizza. I've got all night, I'll just sit here until you decide you'll eat the pizza you don't want because you can't be arsed to argue. Now, what sort of pizza would you like? And what do I need to make the sauce because I'm not prepared to accept 'put some tomato puree and sliced tomatoes on top with some mozzarella' as acceptable instructions. How exactly does one tear mozzarella? What size should the torn bits be? What distribution should the mozzrella be? What other ingredients would you like on it? Nothing? Well, that's not enough, would you like ham and salami when I know you hate both ham and salami? How about Cheddar as well as mozzarella? What strength cheddar and should it be sliced or grated? You don't want cheddar, just mozzarella? Are you sure? OK, I'll go to the shop now. Oh, one more thing, how many pizzas do I need to make? Just the one because that'll be more than enough? Are you sure? Are you really sure because you might be hungry if I just do one? Oh, OK.

[comes back from shop] I've got mushrooms, onions, garlic, passata and peppers. How do I add those to a pizza? Oh, just slice them up and put them on top as they are? Just don't put much on it because you don't want a big slab of soggy stuff on top of a pizza? Okay.

[chopping noises ensue]

[frying pan makes loud sizzling sound]

[one slice of pizza arrives]

Can you test this pizza? You need to be careful because it's got about an inch of stuff piled on top of it, including ham, salami, fried mushrooms, fried onion, garlic, passata, cheddar and what looks like an entire packet of mozzarella on it. Here are another five slices. I've done two pizzas, actually, as there wasn't enough with just one. So just let me know if you're still hungry.

Oh, no, I'm not eating any of it. I think it's too soggy. You haven't eaten two pizzas. Tell me what you want me to cook for you.

Why are you refusing to speak to me? It's not my fault you're not communicating with me about how to make a pizza that you like.

My partner likes to call me when he is bored in the van stuck in traffic to talk about pointless crap!

I am not bored and stuck in traffic Pee-off!!!

Oh. You've just worked 36 hours over 3 days and you're really tired and can't string a sentence together? No matter, let me bang on for 20 minutes the second I walk through the door, about my latest openGL coding conundrum whilst I pace the length and breadth of your kitchen, constantly getting in your way, and watching you cook dinner for everyone, even though I can see how exhausted you are, and how little you care about OPEN FUCKING GL.

Good job we don't live together!