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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 26/04/2021 10:01

I'd find it a strange reaction but you never know what's going on in someone's life for them to react in certain ways. I wouldn't worry too much about it. What did your friends make of it?

makingababy · 26/04/2021 10:02

It can feel like whoever is speaking to you views you (after some conversation) as a child/immature

What a random question to throw into a conversation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/04/2021 10:02

Why would you genuinely think she was 19?

Not everyone thinks looking like a student is a compliment. I’ve often been mistaken for being much younger and it’s a pain in the arse.

I’m not sure why you had to bring attention to how old you thought she was.

Whatisthisfuckery · 26/04/2021 10:02

I would have just laughed.

I don’t know though, maybe she gets mistaken for being very young all the time and she’s sensetive about it. Either way it was a mistake and I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

DenisetheMenace · 26/04/2021 10:05

I imagine if she does look that young, it could be annoying. Being asked for ID all the time and generally not being taken seriously as an experienced adult.

ImaginaryCat · 26/04/2021 10:09

I used to work with a woman who was a Head of Year at school, amazing at her job, destined to be a Head one day.
But she looked so young. Parents wouldn't take her seriously when they had issues with their kids. Colleagues often spoke to her in an overly friendly manner, not appropriate to their working relationship dynamic. She had to work doubly hard to own the room when managing a situation (which she did, because she was awesome).
She asked the school photographer to retake her head shots several times to get one in which she looked older for the website.
I suspect if someone asked her which uni she was attending she would not be flattered!
Maybe this person has similar issues and you tipped her over.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 10:13

I think if you’ve never experienced something- in your case someone thinking you’re half your age and a teenager not a grown-ass adult - then you might find it surprising that it’s not a compliment ... but it’s not! And whilst it’s easy to brush off one instance and laugh, like getting IDed at a bar, it’s probably extremely frustrating and embarrassing if it happens regularly. So YABU for thinking it “should be a compliment” because it’s not the same as someone telling you they’re 50 and you saying “you don’t look a day over 30”.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 10:17

Also, you might want to rethink your conversation starter, OP. Making an assumption about anyone is tricky territory- why would you assume university? Even if she was 19 she might not welcome that question.

There’s a reason why ‘So, what do you do?’ And other such neutral questions are regularly used when you don’t know someone.

3Britnee · 26/04/2021 10:18

Yanbu, it's a ridiculous thing to cry over.

Aprilx · 26/04/2021 10:21

I am 51, I would be pleased if somebody said I looked about 40. I cannot imagine being told (or it being suggested) that I looked 19 when I was 37 however, there would surely need to be a bit more than good genes for anyone to make that kind of a mistake. So I understand why she wasn’t over the moon, she has possibly struggled to be taken seriously as an adult if she looks so much younger.

Howshouldibehave · 26/04/2021 10:22

I genuinely thought she was 19

Why?! That’s a very specific age! What made you think that?

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2021 10:23

Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

It's not about you though is it?

If this woman is 37 then she's probably had a bellyful of questions/comments on her age for years and this might've been the final straw.

Not your fault of course but she obviously doesn't see it in the way you think you would.

seensome · 26/04/2021 10:24

Yanbu most would find it a compliment but sometimes offending someone happens, you didn't mean to be nasty and she was too sensitive about to cry, perhaps she was having a bad day and the comment just sent her over the edge.
When I told someone at work the other day I was part time and he automatically thought I was at university, I'm 41 and have 3 children so couldn't be more wrong but took it as a compliment.

apooagnuandyou · 26/04/2021 10:25

She might have been refused a job or promotion that day because she looked too young, who knows.

But it's a very big leap between a middle-aged woman and a teen!

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 10:26

That’s a very specific age, and why did you ask if she was at uni? Are you under the impression that’s what all teenagers do?

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2021 10:28

@Bluntness100

That’s a very specific age, and why did you ask if she was at uni? Are you under the impression that’s what all teenagers do?
Yes I thought the uni question was strange too.
LindaEllen · 26/04/2021 10:28

You don't know how looking so much younger has impacted on her life. You know nothing about her.

You cannot choose what people do or don't get offended by - you're not in their head or walking in their shoes.

WhatTheFlap · 26/04/2021 10:28

That would piss me off as I’d assume it meant you thought I was childish.

But then I’ve been told I look young for my age my whole life and it’s caused me issues at work, often not taken seriously or asked if I’m on the grad schemes (when I was in my 30s Hmm)

Of course you didn’t mean any offence, but you just never know how people will take things like that!

romdowa · 26/04/2021 10:33

I was recently asked was I nervous about being a first time mother being so young .... I'm 32 ... I'm aware I look quite young and at times it can be quite wearing . I've even been asked by medical professionals if my year of birth has been recorded wrongly. Friends being told they cant buy alcohol in supermarkets because I'm with them and I had forgotten my id. Imagine this all the time and youd understand the frustration

mangoMelon · 26/04/2021 10:34

We’re you speaking to her (even in a group) for anytime beforehand? She might have taken offence as doesn’t it assume something about her maturity there? I mean surely there is a world of difference talking to a 19 year old and a nearly 40 year old in terms of how they speak what the say etc - didn’t you get any “this is a grown adult woman” vibes Confused rather than this is a large teen vibes. Also agree with PP that is strange to ask uni question to a 19yr old anyway regardless.

CaptainHammer · 26/04/2021 10:35

As someone who looks stupidly young for my age it is annoying. I’ve never cried over it but some people go way over the top like “are you sure you’re 34?! You look so young! So baby faced! Really? You’re actually 34? Wow” (genuine reaction I’ve had!)

I get people think it’s a compliment but when you hear it all the time it gets irritating.

mangoMelon · 26/04/2021 10:36

Late teen not large teen. I so wish we had an edit button

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 10:36

Yes I thought the uni question was strange too

It’s just odd isn’t it. Even when I do meet a late teen my first question isn’t are you at uni.

Which makes me wonder if the op was being a little bit bitchy.

DIshedUp · 26/04/2021 10:38

Well you thought she was nearly half her age. Its one thing to think she was 25 or 30 or something, a whole other thing to think shes a teenager

Its probably the 100th time she's heard something similar this week. It is irritating to be thought of as significantly younger than you are.

DIshedUp · 26/04/2021 10:40

It would also be odd to invite your 19 year old neighbour over really wouldn't it?
What made you think she was 19?

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