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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:
miliie55 · 26/04/2021 22:43

No it wouldn't offend I'd find it funny and gd to know I still look young.

I'm used to it, got asked to lower my mask in Aldi. I was like what is she on about then she asked me for id 😆 I'm 35.

A new colleague asked me if it was my first job after uni 😂 everyone in the team thought it was hilarious. I was a bit embarrassed because I didn't want to make it awkward or embarrass him so I just said em...no.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 26/04/2021 23:26

Despite being a carer and literally doing life and death stuff (including placing a DNAR on my grandfather and making sure my mum stays alive every single day) I am still treated as the baby of the family and like my opinion doesn't matter because I am said baby.

I totally get her reaction!

ToastyFingers · 27/04/2021 00:16

I'm 30 but I get ID'd all the time and customers at work call me a 'nice wee girl' even though I'm the manager. It does my head in.

katseyes7 · 27/04/2021 17:27

romdowa My friend's had a similar experience to you. She's 32 and has just made her pregnancy 'known' at work as she's about 14 weeks now.
Someone asked her if she'd 'finished uni yet' and 'if the baby was planned'.
She's been with her partner for years, and they've tried for a baby for quite a while. She's a gentle soul and she was quite upset by it.

Margerine78 · 27/04/2021 17:30

My mum's neighbour thought I was a student returning home from Uni when I visited in my 30's. I bloody loved it! In my mid-40's now...those mistakes/compliments don't happen anymore sadly!

Sounds like your friend's neighbour is one of those annoying hypersensitive people, why bloody cry about it and make you feel awkward? It was harmless at worst, a huge compliment at best!

Imissmoominmama · 27/04/2021 17:32

As a newly qualified hairdresser many years ago, I asked a client if she had the day off school. Turns out she was in her 30s with two children. She got pretty narky and didn’t speak to me again throughout her appointment. I learnt the hard way not to make assumptions.

LilMidge01 · 27/04/2021 17:33

I look young for my age and often people assume I'm younger than I am. I wouldn't get too upset over it but it does piss me off if they guess really low as it assumes I'm childish. It does feel a bit patronising.I'm an adult woman ffs!!
However the thing that bugs me the most is when people insist that they would be "over the moon" if someone thought they were that age. Seriously?!
She has presumably had this alot and this is a more touchy subject for her than it is you.
Also regardless of age, it's a weird convo to ask her if shes at uni if you seemingly know nothing else about her?

LowlandLucky · 27/04/2021 17:42

OP i would love you forever if you thought i was half the age i really am. I think she needs to get a backbone, why the hell would any adult cry about that ? I can think of bigger more important things to cry about.

Kangaroobill · 27/04/2021 17:45

When we had DS (at 28!), a woman had a go at us in the street for being teen parents and spending her taxes on our fancy pram so we could pop our babies and claim benefits. We’d both worked full time since uni.

LilMidge01 · 27/04/2021 17:47

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Please rethink your conversation opener

Beyond obviously offensive remarks, life is too short to worry about offending or upsetting other people. Whatever you do or say, however minor or careful you think it is, however kindly you mean something, someone, somewhere will be upset by it one day, or just take against you for no good reason.

This is fine. It's fine for people not to like you. Don't be deliberately unkind or offensive, but don't either go around pussyfooting about people and trying to please them. Just don't.

Completely disagree. Noone is suggesting OP "pussyfoots" for fear of offending...but it is a weird conversation opener when you know nothing about the person. There are certain things that you dont open with, regardless if your assumption is correct or not. I would say randomly asking a stranger, even if they were a teenager, if they went to uni is weird. We accept that its rude/weird to ask strangers "so when are you going to get married/have kids?" But it is fine to say "do you have kids?" Or in OPs case the better equivalent would be..."so what do you do for a living?" Theres a big difference. OPs question wasnt rude per se, but it was pretty assuming considering she knows nothing else (as if she did she would have na inkling the woman is not 19!!) Its not about pussyfooting, it's about the fact that humans are social animals who have certain ways of interacting with each other and it sounds like OP seriously misread some social cues.
MistyMargaret · 27/04/2021 17:48

It could be deemed offensive if she is a person who just happens to look young, but who values qualities such as gravitas, wisdom and intelligence, rather than the superficial cult of "looking young".

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 27/04/2021 17:52

I don’t know what she’s getting so offended about. I was 37 in Feb and was absolutely over the moon when I got asked for ID for an age restricted item (16!!) last year. I always still hope they ask everytime too. She may feel embarrassed as she’s an adult at university. Some do. Me however, I’d have taken the compliment and you’d have become my new favourite person!

etcher70 · 27/04/2021 17:57

I don't think that's a strange question. You were meaning to be nice. I'd have been flattered.

Ginevere · 27/04/2021 17:57

I had a week once where-

  • my beauty therapist asked if I was sure I was old enough to be getting married and wouldn’t it be better to wait
  • a salesman knocked at the door and asked if my mum or dad was home
  • a woman in a shop asked her manager to double check my ID as she thought it was fake
  • another woman on self checkout said ‘bloody hell, I thought you were a teenager’ when she checked my ID
  • I was asked if an adult was coming to pick me up when I was waiting for my husband outside the gym

I was 30! I was flattered/happy the first few times, but by the time the last comment came, I was so wound up/felt patronised that I snapped ‘I’m not a bloody child’ then had a bit of a tearful moment in the car. Maybe this neighbour had something similar! Whilst it’s nice to be seen as young, being in your thirties as assumed as a teen is not the same thing. Don’t feel bad though OP, it’s an honest mistake.

Weeedonkey · 27/04/2021 17:59

She may feel embarrassed as she’s an adult at university

She’s not at University! 🤣

gothicmummy · 27/04/2021 17:59

OK flip it and think of it like this (I don't know your age so il assume in your thirties/forties) and the neighbour came over and said you looked anywere between 60 and 70 would you take that as a compliment?
Same difference right?

MrsBadcrumble123 · 27/04/2021 18:02

I would have literally hugged you Wink

MrsBadcrumble123 · 27/04/2021 18:03

@gothicmummy no totally different!! Confused

Myfriendsays · 27/04/2021 18:04

My DD is 43 and is always being asked for ID.

Wish someone would take me for 43 instead of 70.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/04/2021 18:04

Just because someone is offended doesn’t mean what you’re said was actually offences.

OneStepOut · 27/04/2021 18:09

I'm a 5ft autistic female with a foreign accent. People talk to me in the same manner as they talk to my 5 year old son. I can't say I appreciate it.

Etherealhedgehog · 27/04/2021 18:12

I've always been mistaken for being much younger until quite recently and certainly from my late 20s on I found it irritating/didn't take it as a compliment. We judge people's age in all kinds of ways, not just based on physical appearance, so it can imply that you think she comes across as young in how she talks/behaves, which no-one wants. Also, not all of us are so hung up on physical appearance that we're thrilled to be mistaken for someone much younger (now that I think about it, I guess the end of occasionally being IDed may have coincided with the emergence of grey hairs, that I cannot be bothered to dye...)

Echobelly · 27/04/2021 18:17

I had people asking if I was at uni into maybe my mid 30s - never minded as I know I look young. My mum went with me to scans when I was pg with DD when I was 30, at the hospital she worked at. Later talking to one of the staff who was there she found they'd been a bit concerned /susprised as they thought I was under 18!

But maybe this woman's had lots of issues with it - not taken seriously at work, having people ask where her parents are or whatever - and she's a bit sensitive about it. But you can't help it if you thought she looked young, and you were trying to be friendly and interested by asking about uni.

So YANBU, and we don't know whether she was BU or not really!

Goodiebagh · 27/04/2021 18:20

Im about to turn 36 and look very young. Im often asked if im a student, got stared at ALL the time when i had my son in his pram, got refused at the bar on my 30th birthday
It can be a bit much but i never cry!

RedToothBrush · 27/04/2021 18:33

Im 5ft 2 and petite. I got this ALL the time. I am 42 and got IDed for alcohol a couple of months ago.

Its a form of casual everyday sexism.

Its easy to challenge a woman who is small. It doesn't happen to large males who look young.

Its often patronising and condesending. And then its dressed up as something you should be grateful for.

My personal feeling about it is I would never have minded it when I was younger if the other people I was with were also IDed. It is humilating if you are IDed at age 30 and you are with a bunch of friends and their mates which include 18 year olds.

If its a constant thing where you are challenged more than others it has an impact on your confidence as you feel like you have a target on your head.

I've lost count of the number of times I'd had it when I've been the oldest one present. Being IDed for a bottle of vodka on my 30th birthday with my husband (who is 4 years younger) and his younger sister was a particular low light.

I must admit that the introduction of photocard driving licenses was a step forward though. Before that I had to pay for ID others didn't need even though they were younger.

So I have complete sympathy for people who have to deal with this on a regular basis. It is not nice and its not a compliment.

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