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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:

Blondiney · 26/04/2021 10:42

I would've kissed your feet if you'd said that to me!

Regularsizedrudy · 26/04/2021 10:43

No that’s not a compliment, it’s patronising. Why not just ask what she does then she could say “I’m at university” if she was 19 or “I work at xyz” if she was 37.

DIshedUp · 26/04/2021 10:44

I've not cried over it, but its really frustrating to find out you've been having what you thought was an adult to adult conversation, and turns out this person thought you were a teenager the whole time. Its patronising

Its also possible shes well qualified, I've had it where people ask me "when do you qualify' 'what do you study' 'are you a student' etc. When I've been qualified for 5 years, it is annoying. Its not just thinking your young is completely underestimating you.

In her case she might have a PhD or something and you've asked her if she's at university.

Planty13 · 26/04/2021 10:45

Even if she was 19 I don’t think it was the best question as university is out of reach for many. Maybe work on your conversation starters OP

Janaih · 26/04/2021 10:48

My sil is 25 but could probably pass for 13/14. She gets very pissed off if people refer to her baby face. Particularly as she has 2 small kids so many assume she's a young teen mother. She gets a lot of catty comments and stares in supermarkets. I thought she was making it up until I saw it for myself.

Picklypickles · 26/04/2021 10:52

I'm 39, I'm 5ft nothing and have always looked quite a lot younger than I am. It does get annoying, I've been stopped by police demanding to know where my parents were while I was on a work night out after some concerned members of the public reported me as a small child out alone. I've been told by my HV that I NEEDED to attend the teenage mothers group at the Childrens Centre when I was 30 years old! Mostly though I've just been talked down to and treated like a cute, helpless little girl for most of my life and I do get fed up of constantly having to convince people I'm an adult!

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2021 10:53

@Planty13

Even if she was 19 I don’t think it was the best question as university is out of reach for many. Maybe work on your conversation starters OP

Yes that's what I was thinking! Imagine if she tried but couldn't get in or couldn't afford it etc.

"What do you do?" Is a far better way to start a conversation.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/04/2021 10:55

I agree eith pps about the uni question and it was my first thought too.

cushioncovers · 26/04/2021 10:55

I would have just laughed.

But why did you think she was 19?

Pinkelephantintheroom · 26/04/2021 11:01

I still get asked for ID when buying alcohol and twice someone has knocked on my door and asked to speak to my parents - I'm in my 40's!

People say I should find it a compliment but it is embarrassing but I certainly wouldn't get upset about it, unless I forgot my ID and couldn't buy my wine

honeylulu · 26/04/2021 11:09

19? That's very specific. Why 19?

As PPs have said it might happen a lot and she's sick of feeling like no one takes her seriously. My friends daughter is very petite and baby faced. She married in her early 20s and had two children and would hear all sorts of rude comments like "omg that kid is pushing a pushchair and she's pregnant again". She was about 26 or 27 at this point!

She's since separated and started dating but seems to have attracted all artists if weird pervs who are turned on by the idea that she looks like a teenage girl. It must be very wearing ...

Having said that someone described me as "coming up to 40" recently and I was well chuffed. I'm 47!

honeylulu · 26/04/2021 11:10

All sorts of weird pervs that should say!
Apologies to any artists I've offended!

Wabe · 26/04/2021 11:16

@WorraLiberty

Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

It's not about you though is it?

If this woman is 37 then she's probably had a bellyful of questions/comments on her age for years and this might've been the final straw.

Not your fault of course but she obviously doesn't see it in the way you think you would.

Yes, you don't get to decide what someone else finds complimentary.

Some women think being wolfwhistled on the street or having a carload of men shouting 'I'd give you one, love!' is a compliment. They don't get to tell women who find this to be harassment that they 'should' feel complimented.

For all you know she's spent vast amounts of time dealing with people thinking she had a child at 13 because she looks so young. I can easily see how it could be tiresome.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 26/04/2021 11:28

I wouldn't have cried, but I would have thought you were a patronising twat I'm afraid.

Once I was a baby faced manager and at 5'2 was regularly patted on the head. Literally. It was far harder to be taken seriously than my older looking or male colleagues.

Why not just ask people what they do?

SeaTurtles92 · 26/04/2021 11:33

Why would you assume she was at university anyway? I think you were probably being a bit sly and not as innocent as you portray. I met too many of your types.

AmyLou100 · 26/04/2021 11:34

She's probably at the end of it constantly judged on looking younger. I am 38 yet look 25. I am also very petite so that adds to it. Many years ago I went to buy a game for my dh and they refused to sell it to me, it was humiliating. Same story with alcohol.
It's also really shows your thinking that you assume everyone at that age is at University.

CirclesWithinCircles · 26/04/2021 11:41

You do sound quite judgemental about peooles' appearances. Not just your initial comment, when the usual introductory remark is "what do you do?" but the comments about her going bright red and looking as if she was going to cry.

Why not listen to what people have to say instead of fixating on their appearance, and then trying to excuse your faux pas as a fake compliment?

goldielockdown2 · 26/04/2021 11:42

She was clearly embarrassed by what you describe as her reaction. So no, not very complimentary of you.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 11:42

I’m also wondering if the op is as inncocent as she’s making out, I’ve also seen some women who see another woman, generally one they perceive as attractive, and make a comment that’s intended to be a put down and then act all innocent after, like butter wouldn’t melt.

Even if she did think she was 19 , and I suspect it was very clear she wasn’t, you’d still not say are you at uni as your opening gambit, it’s a very odd thing to say. I’m wondering if it was something about her dress or build that drove the op. I’ve seldom met a woman knocking on forty I’d think was a teenager.

k1233 · 26/04/2021 11:45

In my early 30s I had someone ask me what I was planning to do when I finished school. Didn't care if she meant high school or uni, told her she could be my friend forever!

TruelyWonder · 26/04/2021 11:49

No I wouldn't be offended. O would be bloody delighted. However this woman if looks that young probably has to deal with it a lot. You may have caught her on a bad day. Not your fault. Just one of those things.

MrsChicken89 · 26/04/2021 12:05

Im 33 and been told is look 19/early 20s quite a lot. I had my vaccine a few weeks ago and got asked if I was old enough to have it! I know I dont look my age but it does get very annoying, especially when people don't take you seriously enough in certain roles. Get called young lady alot too. So I can understand the woman's frustration, I wouldn't cry about it though I tend to just laugh it off.

I get 'oh you'll be glad when you'll 50 and you only look 30!'
Im guessing those who are saying they would love someone to say they are 20 years younger, are in their 50/60s, because when your in your 30s and trying to establish your career etc, being viewed as a teenager is very annoying.

Original poster

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 12:39

What do you mean a bit more than good genes if I thought she was 19? I did not understand that.
In my defense, she was very slight in the body, sounds extremely young and is shy. All of this made me feel she was very young.
I was trying to make conversation but feel bad that I upset her. I did think she was 19 as she looks like my daughters age.
My friend said she thought the same when she met her, that this woman was a teen/early 20's and that she too was incredibly shocked when she found out she was 37.

OP posts:

CirclesWithinCircles · 26/04/2021 12:52

@TrinidadQueen

What do you mean a bit more than good genes if I thought she was 19? I did not understand that. In my defense, she was very slight in the body, sounds extremely young and is shy. All of this made me feel she was very young. I was trying to make conversation but feel bad that I upset her. I did think she was 19 as she looks like my daughters age. My friend said she thought the same when she met her, that this woman was a teen/early 20's and that she too was incredibly shocked when she found out she was 37.

Do you normally judge women purely on their appearance OP? You have made so many DM judgemental comments about this poor woman, using her appearance as a starting point, you have assumed she is "shy", is "very slight" (whatever that means), "looked as if she was going to burst into tears', and so on. It honestly makes you sound a bit odd, and a little obsessed with her.

Aren't you used to meeting people who look different from you and your friend?

Original poster

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 12:54

I'm trying to describe why I came to the conclusion she was 19. I cannot do that without describing how she looked and her reactions....

OP posts:

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