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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 27/04/2021 21:21

In my defense, she was very slight in the body, sounds extremely young and is shy. All of this made me feel she was very young.

If that's what you thought of me, I'd have thought you were being patronising, and were perhaps doing it as a deliberate put down. I'm very slight - I'm nearly 50. Some of us manage to stay slim when we're older. She probably just gets heartily fed up of people assuming she's a teenager when she's a mature woman.

pinkmagnolias · 27/04/2021 21:24

Yet responded like she was a12 yo..

Exactly. This is why I’d presume the OP had been chatting to her for awhile and still presumed she was talking to a teenager. Not a compliment but perhaps a valid observation.

ufucoffee · 27/04/2021 21:26

No of course I wouldn't be offended. She's chosen to be offended, her problem, not yours.

tedsletterofthelaw · 27/04/2021 21:29

Local MP came to the door recently and asked if my mum was home. I'm 35. It made my day to be honest, I think she overreacted a bit, I'd have just laughed it off.

Michellelovesizzy · 27/04/2021 21:47

It doesn't seem like a big deal to me.... but maybe she gets it all the time and is a bit sick of it and just took it out on u

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/04/2021 21:55

I’m 38 and look quite young for my age.. I also had my children quite young. I generally do try to take it as a compliment, but when you’re always hearing “you’re so young to have an X year old” and actually you’ve got older dc as well, it can be a little trying. I don’t think I look like a teenager, but in the past 12 months I’ve been mistaken for ds(18)’s girlfriend, as well as asked for ID while sitting next to him in the pub. Luckily he has a sense of humour about it!

scubadive · 27/04/2021 21:57

37 and you asked her if she were at university. Yes insulting.

She probably thought that you were taking the piss.

Cannyapper · 27/04/2021 22:08

Maybe upsetting to assume she goes to University? Maybe she didn't...?!

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/04/2021 22:12

@Cannyapper

Maybe upsetting to assume she goes to University? Maybe she didn't...?!
Yes, if she hates her job on the fish counter at Tesco she'll have assumed you were taking the piss.
Skyblu · 27/04/2021 22:12

Contrary to belief, it’s actually not very nice to be continually mistaken for a child (or young adult) when you are in fact, a fully-fledged adult in your late 30’s.
The novelty and the laughing “gosh I’m so flattered” response quickly gets boring.

Also, when you are naturally of a slender size and people think it’s ok (constantly) to call you a “skinny jim” or whatever....that grates too.

You clearly didn’t mean to upset her or patronise or belittle her, but maybe it happens a lot and she actually finds it hurtful.

TatianaBis · 27/04/2021 22:33

I think it really depends on your confidence. I just found it funny, I didn’t find it hurtful or belittling. But I don’t get offended easily.

stuckinagut · 27/04/2021 22:43

I used to like being taken for about 5 years younger... it doesn't happen anymore Sad

Lovely13 · 27/04/2021 22:52

A chatty cab driver asked my son recently if he was back off to school. He furiously told him he was a graduate and on his way to work.
My eldest, at 30, is still asked for ID when buying alcohol. I tell them both they’ll be glad of those youthful genes in years to come.
And I’m completely rubbish at guessing people's ages. Don’t worry about it,

h1nch · 27/04/2021 23:03

Sounds like she handled it in a very immature way, in fitting with her perceived age!!

StardewMelons · 28/04/2021 01:04

Im 30 now and people will often see me as a lot younger.. Now sometimes its a compliment, but it wears off when you get spoken down to or treated as a "kid". I remember being 27 and turned away from a bar with my DH who is a fair bit older and feeling so embarrassed. When its a regular occurance in your 20s onwards, you dont exactly want to be viewed as looking child like... anyhow I don't blame anyone, we all make judgements unintentionally

StardewMelons · 28/04/2021 01:12

Side note it isnt about been very slim. Ive been a 4 to a 12 over the last 12 years. Makes no odds. I have tattoos and a generous chest. Im sure sometimes the staff at asda resent my prosseco binge WinkGrin

EverythingRuined · 28/04/2021 08:56

I don't think it was rude and I don't think it was a rude question. Her reaction seems a little OTT but as others have mentioned you just can't know what's going on in her life. As long as you apologised wouldn't give it any more thought.

I always used to get thought of as much younger than I was up until I hit my fifties. I think I still have a young look but I now look my age. Like many people my age I have wrinkles around my eyes and my neck looks its age. I don't mind though.

MummyMayo1988 · 28/04/2021 09:39

I'm almost 33 and regularly get asked for ID at the supermarket when doing a full weekly shop. Yes! I'm absolutely 17 years old; trying to disguise this bottle of wine with £100+ of groceries 🙄
I started getting my shopping online a few years ago and one day I answered the door and the delivery driver asked if my mum was at home to take the shopping in as there was wine in it and he couldn't give it to someone underage.
I replied that I was 28.
He didn't believe me.
I gave him ID.
He got angry and said I should always have it to hand bc I look soo young.

Most of the time I find it quite funny. Some of the time it's a pain in the butt 🤷‍♀️

TheCatTiger · 28/04/2021 09:49

I (apparently) look way younger than my age. It's horrible and people's reactions are humiliating.

I don't get taken seriously, I got asked for ID in the supermarket when I was buying groceries including a bottle of wine by a condescending till operator who treated me like a rude teenager (I was 38) and only sold it to me/us because my husband arrived, the optician thought my husband was my dad (!) and worst of all, it has caused me problems at work including one time when I nearly lost my job.It happens all the time. It's so embarrassing and it causes all sorts of problems due to people's expectations.

Currently growing out my grey hair. Maybe that'll help? 🤷

mam0918 · 28/04/2021 10:04

@GreyhoundG1rl

this is another thing theres 4 years between me a DH, and people have made comments about him being a 'pedo' to me because 'why would he be with someone so young' because they assume Im barely legal and he looks his age (mid-30s). Hmm What people?
Loud mouths who make assumtions and run their mouths without facts... the world is full of them.

People who wrongly assume Im a 16 year old and dating a 35 year old often cant hold their tounge with their moral outrage.

MoreMorelos · 28/04/2021 10:06

As someone who is constantly mistaken for being younger I can tell you it's not a compliment! It's constantly having to battle to be taken seriously, to be spoken to like an adult etc. Last year a shop assistant thought I was my 17 year old DSs GF and she asked us ID for buying Monster - I mean come on! I'm in my 40s!! I know masks make things more difficult but no, it's not a compliment it's fucking annoying

mam0918 · 28/04/2021 10:08

@TheCatTiger

I (apparently) look way younger than my age. It's horrible and people's reactions are humiliating.

I don't get taken seriously, I got asked for ID in the supermarket when I was buying groceries including a bottle of wine by a condescending till operator who treated me like a rude teenager (I was 38) and only sold it to me/us because my husband arrived, the optician thought my husband was my dad (!) and worst of all, it has caused me problems at work including one time when I nearly lost my job.It happens all the time. It's so embarrassing and it causes all sorts of problems due to people's expectations.

Currently growing out my grey hair. Maybe that'll help? 🤷

I have found that I get ID less now, I'm not sure if its due to the mask laws (whats the point of photo ID when you cant compare faces so they arent bothering) or if its that they can see the grey in my undyed roots from lockdown but one of them has greatly reduced the issue in the last 8 months or so and my DH thinks its the greying roots lol.
MagpieSong · 28/04/2021 10:11

Tbh, I get ID’d for paracetamol which is a 16 age limit. It’s annoying when you’re 30. Maybe she’s sick of it or just though you were taking the mickey?

LizzyELane · 28/04/2021 10:21

I was a student nurse aged 35/36. The mentor I'd been assigned that was supposed to teach me was really dismissive and often got up and walked off after handover, leaving me with nothing else to do but make beds with the care assistants without learning any of the core processes I was meant to. On my birthday I happened to mention I was 36, she was really shocked that I was a lot older than her and her attitude did change a bit after that. Looking young is great in one respect but like most things has it's drawbacks. Mine was not being respected in the workplace, the OPs friend's neighbour may have been dealing with similar and got to the end of her rag!!

greeneyedlulu · 28/04/2021 10:37

It takes a lot to offend me so this certainly wouldn't but she's probably had 20 years of it and was having an off day, don't worry about it too much.