To ask if this would offend you?

[TrinidadQueen]

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

As somebody who is 34 and has actually been sold a child's train ticket only two years ago (i did explain I was no longer a child) it can be a bit frustrating to be assumed younger then you are. I know looking young is great to a degree but it has caused quiet patronizing behaviour towards me. I do think her reaction was a bit extreme so maybe something happened before and that was just the straw that broke the camels back

I’m 40, and people are surprised that I have a 21 year old as I ‘don’t look old enough’ I get everything between 25-35. I take it with a pinch of salt. However I work in a teaching role and do have to convince learners that I do have 20 years experience in the job, that’s the hardest part.

I hate the assumption that younger = better and we should be "over the moon" for being mistaken for teenagers.

This happens to me a lot. I used to take it as a compliment until a very drunken rude person said it was to do with both my appearance and my quavering manner. I have a lot of trouble earning respect and have developed a bit of a complex about it - I don’t think you were rude or unreasonable but I can see that if you caught her at the wrong moment she could feel upset.

My SIL and I have kids the same age. She's now 34 but is still mistaken for 19/20 daily. The fight to get taken seriously about anything to do with her kids is huge for her, to the extent she's taken me along to some medical appointments just to say "she's not imagining it, yes, everything she says is true." It must get horribly wearing.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I hate the assumption that younger = better and we should be "over the moon" for being mistaken for teenagers.

Yes, this. I mean, if you personally are thrilled to be mistaken for a teenager, fine -- knock yourself out. It's the assumption that the culmination of all female aspiration is to be mistaken for someone who's barely old enough to vote that's so tiresome. I've seen grown men's jaws drop when I'm not remotely coy about being 48. Apparently the performance of middle-aged femininity absolutely requires a discreet concealment of your age and a coy giggle about being '21 again'.

@TrinidadQueen

I'm trying to describe why I came to the conclusion she was 19. I cannot do that without describing how she looked and her reactions....

Maybe it's just that you and your friend look unusually old for your age, are very gruffly spoken and and unusually bold? And you are used to that?

I think we all think it must be great to look much younger than our age. However we all know it's hard to be taken seriously as a woman particularly as a young woman. So maybe she has had enough of looking young? And has negative connotations with looking very young so feels upset when it's pointed out?

I used to get told I looked really young for my age and it did really annoy me.
People assumed it was a compliment but the flip side is not being taken seriously, being mistaken for a teenage mum when you’re late twenties.
She’s probably heard it so many times and she’s sick if it.
You wouldn’t presume someone was older and tell them, would you?

No it wouldn't and it doesn't because it happens me all the time. I look about 20odd and I'm 36.

That happened to me at 38, I wore a pleated skirt and people thought I should be In School. I took it as a compliment but it was a pain at work. Someone once said to me you are not the manager, you are a little girl.

Love how this thread has turned into a humble brag of people saying they're mistaken as being 16 when they're really 60 or something

OP don't worry, maybe text her or pop something through the letterbox saying you're sorry you offended her, and just wanted to apologise.

It's insensitive to ask someone if they're at university anyway- if they wanted to go but couldn't for whatever reason it puts them in an awkward position.

Better to ask someone how they spend their days or what they do.

I think YABU because you don't get to decide what other people find offensive.

YABVU. Why would it be a compliment for nobody to take you as a serious grown adult and instead think you’re pretty much a child?

Maybe she was upset because she gets those kind of comments constantly and is just sick of it? Not your fault, you didn’t deliberately upset her. I’d be over the moon if someone said that to me, but it’s never going to happen!

Such a strange question to ask anyone IMO.... I wasn't at University when I was 19. You could also be at University at 37. Her reaction is fairly strange, but you never know what's going on in someone's life. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I would find it a bit patronising personally.

My manager at work who is 30 years older than me used to discuss things in meetings and then ask me (youngest on the team) 'were you even born then'. It's not cute and it's not complimentary at all to be asked things like this.

I certainly would not appreciate someone asking me if I was 19 and at uni when I am fully grown woman. Maybe just don't assume things in future.

Whatever the reason, it's her problem not yours and isn't worth further worry on your part. Perfectly reasonable question if you thought someone was of average student age. Also there are loads of mature students at university.

I would be loving life if l was her. I only stopped getting ID’d for 18 when l was 35 though

@WhatTheFlap funnily enough l used to work with someone was level just below director and one of the ladies in the canteen asked how the placement year of his degree was going. He was super happy about it and was mid 30’s

It does get infuriating basically getting ignored at appointments because people assume I am younger then I am or parents referring to me as the big girl when picking their kids up from rainbows where a I helpout or at nursery if they don't know my name. Usually just try to bite my tongue and remain as friendly as possible

As a person who is often mistake for being younger than I am I can confirm that it is a total PITA at times. I quite like that I haven't aged badly yet but often people think I'm not as experienced as them, that my views aren't as valid etc and it can be really disheartening. When I had DS people thought I was a young mum (I was 32), and it made making friends a bit harder than it should have been.

I’m also wondering if the op is as inncocent as she’s making out, I’ve also seen some women who see another woman, generally one they perceive as attractive, and make a comment that’s intended to be a put down and then act all innocent after, like butter wouldn’t melt.

Very true. Could be to do with her weight maybe. I'm skinny, and it's not uncommon to get backhanded compliments or downright inappropriate comments usually from other women

I think we all think it must be great to look much younger than our age

That's what so tiresome about this. No, we don't. Think about it -- what does it say about internalised sexism about female beauty standards to think that all women would rather look 19 than their actual age?

Would you assume that all 37 year old men would be flattered by being mistaken for a teenager?

I’m sure in 20 years when she’s almost 60, she’ll wish she still looked so youthful!

It's true that you never know what is going on in someone else's life, so there may be perfectly understandable reasons this upset her.

However, it was a genuine mistake on your part and you were just trying to make polite conversation. All you can do in that situation is say, "oh I'm so sorry, my mistake. Don't you look wonderful?!" and move on. It's just one of those unfortunate but fairly unavoidable things where no malice is meant.