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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 26/04/2021 13:51

@NoSquirrels

Also, you might want to rethink your conversation starter, OP. Making an assumption about anyone is tricky territory- why would you assume university? Even if she was 19 she might not welcome that question.

There’s a reason why ‘So, what do you do?’ And other such neutral questions are regularly used when you don’t know someone.

^ This.

FWIW my Brother looked at least a decade younger than he was for several years, used to have to carry his ID with him everywhere, it really got to him and gave him a lot of insecurities so she's probably had this her whole life.

Years ago, people used to come into my place of work that was in financial services and ask for people who could help them with x, y and z and were quite taken aback when I said I could help them with that, a combination of working there since having left school and also looking younger than my years at the time, it gets to a point it becomes frustrating and feels slightly condescending even though it was of course unintended on your part, I daresay she felt this way.

And as other PP has said, please rethink your conversation opener.

cookiecreampie · 26/04/2021 13:51

Yes I think I would be slightly offended. I'm early 30s and people always assume I'm mid 20s which is a compliment to me but I wouldn't want to be mistaken for any younger than that. Almost 20 years younger than you thought is a big mistake to make.

Nightbear · 26/04/2021 13:54

I don’t think someone assuming you’re 19 when you’re 37 is a compliment. Assuming you’re 27 might be a compliment. Assuming you’re a teenager carries along with it the baggage of barely an adult, just out of school etc

lovepickledlimes · 26/04/2021 14:08

@TableFlowerss there is a difference between looking young and youthful for your age and being considered a child

lovepickledlimes · 26/04/2021 14:09

@Nightbear exactly that

HarebrightCedarmoon · 26/04/2021 14:09

I don’t think someone assuming you’re 19 when you’re 37 is a compliment

It might be for some people. I was IDed in Waitrose at that age and was over the moon.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 26/04/2021 14:14

Please rethink your conversation opener

Beyond obviously offensive remarks, life is too short to worry about offending or upsetting other people. Whatever you do or say, however minor or careful you think it is, however kindly you mean something, someone, somewhere will be upset by it one day, or just take against you for no good reason.

This is fine. It's fine for people not to like you. Don't be deliberately unkind or offensive, but don't either go around pussyfooting about people and trying to please them. Just don't.

WeatherwaxOn · 26/04/2021 14:16

If I was making small talk with someone, regardless of their age I would not ask if they were at University. I might ask, " how long have you lived next door to x?" Or if the conversation was about who did what for a living, "What do you do?"

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 14:19

It's fine for people not to like you. Don't be deliberately unkind or offensive, but don't either go around pussyfooting about people and trying to please them. Just don't.

Not making assumptions about people isn’t ‘pussyfooting around’. It’s basic manners. Be open-minded, ask questions & don’t assume.

FlyingBurrito · 26/04/2021 14:19

I'm always surprised at the ability of people to be so decisive about someone's age. How could you possibly pinpoint an age so specifically? What are the pomiters that someone is 19 rather than 18 or 20?

Am I the only one who never gives someone's age a thought unless there is a reason for it to be relevant and could distinguish a 16 year old from a 60 year old but not much more than that.

No idea why you made someone cry though

stayathomer · 26/04/2021 14:24

God theres some strange people on here. The op was next to someone who looked like they were just out of school and was making conversation. People saying she shouldn't have, what do you do when you're standing next to someone? Just never say anything? I would agree though, it was probably something she heard too much

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/04/2021 14:29

People saying she shouldn't have, what do you do when you're standing next to someone? Just never say anything?

If you’ve got a scrap of imagination or social competence it’s not hard to make small talk for a minute or so without sticking your foot in your mouth. You can talk about the weather, ask how long the other person’s lived there, weekend plans, what a nightmare covid has been, say you like their shoes, what they do for work.

stayathomer · 26/04/2021 14:31

But how long was OP talking to the person for? Maybe all of that had been covered and the lady asked OP about her work and then op asked about university?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 26/04/2021 14:45

@NoSquirrels

It's fine for people not to like you. Don't be deliberately unkind or offensive, but don't either go around pussyfooting about people and trying to please them. Just don't.

Not making assumptions about people isn’t ‘pussyfooting around’. It’s basic manners. Be open-minded, ask questions & don’t assume.

It's very hard not to make any assumptions at all about someone.

Someone suggested upthread that "What do you do?" is a better question. It might be a difficult response for someone who is retired, can't work for whatever reason, had just lost their job or who has had to give up work.

BritWifeinUSA · 26/04/2021 14:50

Did you actually say that you thought she was 19 or did you just ask if she was at university? Anyone of any age can be at university so I can’t see how being asked if you are at university would offend someone (unless she feels that mature students are “work dodgers” and is offended that you think she’s “lazy” - some people do assume this of mature students, unfortunately).

If you did say that she looks 19 or that you thought she was 19 I can see that this could be offensive. At 37 it’s a nice compliment to be told you look 27 or 30 but 19? For a 37-year-old a 19-year-old is not much more than a child. If someone said that to me at 37 I’d be a little offended (but not cry!) because I would take it to mean the person thought I behaved or reasoned like a child and had no life experience.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 14:55

It is very annoying looking younger than you are. People don't take you as seriously or assume you are starting out in a career etc. It's definitely best to ask questions that are more open. The university question could also get someone's back up if they didn't choose to go to uni and feel like you are judging them for this.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 14:58

You could have asked how long they had known the host? Something like that. Rather than saying she looks like a teenager.

Bubblebu · 26/04/2021 15:07

I have seen similar reactions in kind of equivalent situations in the past. I remember commenting to a friend about her son and asking when he was starting school (as he was quite tall/quite big for his age) and her response was offended as she told me he was "only 3".

I later found out that others had voiced similar observations in error to her and so it was a slightly sensitive subject for her. i myself learned from that to try not to base any of my conversation from a place of assumptions (to the extent you can) but keep it neutral and hope salient facts just come up in conversation and i can be "internally surprised" when they do...

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2021 15:08

I winced because this used to happen to me. It doesn’t feel like a compliment, it’s a reminder that you’re seen as less mature, capable and accomplished than you are and get treated accordingly - disrespected, talked down to and your authority undermined. Her reaction suggests she gets this a lot.

Bubblebu · 26/04/2021 15:11

the "mistake you for being a teenager" error is only really a compliment if it is a conversation at the supermarket checkout about whether you are old enough to buy booze, or you have been someone on one of those "make me look 10 years younger" tv programmes.....

there is also a subtle difference between actually looking 19 and looking your actual age but having the skin / figure/ style of a 19 year old. The latter being a real compliment as it kind of says you have "looked after" yourself (or you have good genes or both...) I actually find this fact heartening in today's society which is obsessive about youth especially for women.

noblegreenk · 26/04/2021 15:11

Looking young isn't always the compliment you think it is. When we first moved into our current home, I answered the door to a cold caller who asked to speak to my Mum or Dad. I was 33 at the time and it really irked me.

Whanganui · 26/04/2021 15:13

She could’ve been a mature student at uni.

Bellaphant · 26/04/2021 15:21

In the past week I've had someone tell me that they thought my next birthday was to turn 27, and I got ID'ed buying non alcoholic wine. I'm pregnant and 33!

I tend to worry it means I don't look 'put together', that i should be wearing makeup more often, etc. I also got told once it was because I was a little overweight, so my skin looked 'plump', which has also stayed with me!!

bloodyhell19 · 26/04/2021 15:27

You may know your intentions in asking her about uni & assuming she was much younger, but having been on the receiving end of something similar, comments like that are dismissive, patronising & condescending. If she is also a guest of your hosts then just treat her as a fellow peer and not make assumptions about her age or work/education status. Or, as you've learned the hard way, you may make an ass of yourself.

About a year or so after we bought our home, we had a caller who insisted she had spoken to my parents previously & wouldn't accept otherwise. I'm the owner of our home. My parents have never lived here.

It's not cute or a compliment. You don't have to verbalise every assumption about someone you've never met previously.

littlepattilou · 26/04/2021 15:28

@TrinidadQueen YABU. As a few posters have said, you cannot assume everyone goes to university.

Also, you need glasses if you mistook at woman who is nearly 40, for 19! No woman of nearly 40 looks 19. No way. Everyone looks their age within 5-8 years in either direction, when you look properly.

And regarding a few posts here; if someone knocks someone's door, and a woman in her 30s (or older) answers, and they ask where her parents are, they must either be pissed, or they really seriously need a sight test. Again, no woman in her 30s looks like a bloody schoolkid!